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Renascence Editions

Pierce Penilesse, His Supplication to the Divell.

Thomas Nashe


Note: this Renascence Editions text was transcribed by Risa S. Bear, March 2001, from the 1924 Bodley Head reprint of the third 1592 edition. Any errors that have crept into the transcription are the fault of the present publisher. The text is in the public domain. Content unique to this presentation is copyright © 2001 The University of Oregon. For nonprofit and educational uses only. Send comments and corrections to the Publisher.

Pierce Penilesse
HIS SVPPLICATION
to the Diuell.

Barbaria grandis habere nihil.

Written by Tho. Nash, Gent.

[Image]

LONDON.
printed by Abell Iesses, for
I.B. 1592.

A priuate Epistle of the Author to
the Printer.

Wherein his full meaning and purpose (in
publishing this Booke) is set foorth.

F
 
AITH I am verie sorrie (Sir) I am thus vnawares betrayed to infamie. You wrote to me my book is hasting to the second impression: he that hath once broke the Ice of impudence, need not care how deepe he wade in discredit. I confesse it to be a meer toy, not deseruing any iudicial mans view: If it haue found any friends, so it is, you knowe very wel that it was abroad a fortnight ere I knew of it, & vncorrected and vnfinished, it hath offred it selfe to the open scorne of the world. Had you not beene so forward in the republishing of it, you shold haue had certayne Epistles to Orators and Poets, to insert to the later end; As namely, to the Ghost of Macheuill, of Tully, of Ouid, of Roscius, of Pace the Duke of Norfolks Iester; and lastly, the the Ghost of Robert Greene, telling him, what a coyle there is with pamphleting on him after his death. These were prepard for Pierce Penilesse first setting foorth, had not the feare of infection detained mee with my Lord in the Countrey.
    Now this is that I woulde haue you to do in this second edition: First cut off that long-tayld Title, and lett mee not in the forefront of my Booke, make a tedious Mountebanks Oration to the Reader, when in the whole there is nothing praise-worthie.
    I heare say there bee obscure imitators, that goe about to frame a second part to it, and offer it to sell in Paules Churchyard, and elsewhere, as from mee. Let mee request you (as euer you will expect any fauour at my hands) to get some body to write an Epistle before it, ere you set it to sale againe, importing thus much; that if any such lewde deuise intrude it selfe to their hands, it is a coseanage and plane knauery of him that sels it to get mony, and that I haue no manner of interest or acquaintance with it. Indeed if my leysure were, such as I could wish, I might haps (halfe a yeare hence) write the returne of the Knight of the Post from hel, with the Deuils answer to the Supplication: but as for a second part of Pierce Penilesse, it is a most ridiculous rogery.
    Other news I am aduertised of, that a scald triuial lying pamphlet, cald Greens groatsworth of wit is giuen out to be of my doing. God neuer haue care of my soule, but vtterly renou[n]ce me, if the least word or sillable in it proceeded from my pen, or if I were any way priuie to the writing or printing of it. I am growne at length to see into the vanity of the world more than euer I did, and now I condemne my selfe for nothing so much, as playing the dolt in Print. Out vpon it, it is odious, specially, in this moralizing age, wherein euery one seeks to shew himselfe a Politician by mis-interpreting. In one place of my Booke Pierce Penilesse saith, but to the Knight of the Post, I pray how might I call you, & they say, I meant one Howe, a Knaue of that trade, that I neuer heard of before. The Antiquaries are offended without cause, thinking I goe about to detract from that excellent profession, when (God is my witnesse) I reuerence it as much as any of them all, and had no manner of allusion to them that stumble at it. I hope they wil giue me leaue to think there be fooles of that Art as well as of al other; but to say I vtterly condemne it as an vnfruitfull studie, or seeme to despise the excellent qualified partes of it, is a most false and iniurious sumise. There is nothing that if a man list he may not wrest or peruert, I cannot forbid anie to thinke villainously, Sed caueat emptor, Let the interpreter beware: for none euer hard me make Allegories of an idle text. Write who wil against me, but let him look his life be without scandale: for if he touch me neuer so litle, Ile be as good as the Black Booke to him & his kindred. Beggerly lyes no beggerly wit but can inuent: who spurneth not at a dead dogge? but I am of another mettal, they shall know that I liue as their euil Angel, to haunt them world without end, if they disquiet me without cause. Farewell, and let me heare from you as soone as it is come forth. I am the Plagues prisoner in the Country as yet: if the sicknesse cease before the thirde impression, I wil come and alter whatsoeuer may be offensiue to any man, and bring you the latter ende.

Your friend, Tho. Nash.

Pierce Penilesse his Supplication
to the Diuell.

H
 
AUING spent many yeeres in studying how to liue, and liu'de a long time without mony: hauing tired my youth with follie, and surfetted my minde with vanitie, I began at length to looke backe to repentaunce, & addresse my endeuors to prosperitie: But all in vaine, I sate vp late, and
Discite qui sapitis, cum hæc quæ scimus inertes: Sed trepidas acies, & fera bella sequi.


Est aliquid fatale malum, per verba leuare.
rose earely, contented with the colde, and conuersed with scarcitie: for all my labours turned to losse, my vulgar Muse was despised & neglected, my paines not regarded or slightly rewarded, and I my selfe ( in prime of my best wit) laid open to pouertie. Wherevpon (in a malecontent humor) I accused my fortune, raild on my patrones, bit my pen, rent my papers, and ragde in all points like a mad man. In which agony tormenting my selfe a long time, I grew by degrees to a milder discontent, and pausing a while ouer my standish, I resolued in verse to paint forth my passion: which best agreeing with the vaine of my vnrest, I began to complaine in this sort.

    Why ist damnation to dispaire and die,
    When life is my true happinesse disease?
    My soule, my soule, thy safetye makes me flie
    The faultie meanes, that might my paine appease.
        Diuines and dying men may talke of hell,
        But in my heart, her seueral tormentes dwell.
    Ah worthlesse Wit, to traine me to this woe,
    Deceitfull Artes that nourish Discontent:
    Ill thriue the Follie that bewicht me so,
    Vaine thoughts adieu, for now I will repent.
        And yet my wants perswade me to proceede,
        Since none takes pitie of a Scollars neede.
    Forgiue me God, although I curse my birth,
    And ban the aire, wherein I breath a Wretch:
    Since Miserie hath daunted all my mirth,
    And I am quite vndone through promise-breach.
        Oh friends, no friends, that then vngently frowne,
    Pol me occidistis amici.

        When changing Fortune casts us headlong downe.
    Without redresse complaines my carelesse verse,
    And     Mydas-eares relent not at my moane:
    In some far Land will I my griefes reherse,
        Mongst them that will be mou'd when I shall groane.
            England (adieu) the Soyle that brought me foorth,
    Adieu vnkinde, where skill is nothing woorth.
    These Rymes thus abruptly set downe, I tost my imagination a thousand waies to see if I could finde any meanes to relieue my estate: But all my thoughts consorted to this conclusion, that the world was vncharitable, & I ordained to be miserable. Thereby I grew to consider how many base men that wanted those parts which I had, enioyed content at will, and had wealth at commaund: I cald to minde a Cobler, that was worth fiue hundred pound, an Hostler that had built a goodly Inne & might dispende fortie pounds yerely by his Land, a Carre-man in a lether pilche, that had whipt out a thousand pound out of his horse taile: and haue I more wit than all these (thought I to my selfe) am I better borne? am I better brought vp? yea and better fauored? and yet am I a beggar? What is the cause? how am I crost? or whence is this curse? Euen from hence, that men that should employ such as I am, are enamoured of their own wits, and thinke what euer they do is excellent, though it be neuer so scuruie: that Learning (of the ignorant) is rated after the value of the inke and paper: & a Scriuener better paid for an obligation, than a Scholler
Scribimus indocti doctique poemata passim.
for the best Poeme he can make; that euery grosse braind Idiot is suffered to come into print, who if he set foorth a Pamphlet of the praise of Pudding-pricks, or write a Treatise of Tom Thumme, or the exployts of Vntrusse; it is bought vp thicke and threefold, when better things lie dead. How then can we chuse but be needy, when ther are so many Droans amongst vs? or euer proue rich that toyle a whole yeare for faire lookes? Gentle Sir Phillip Sidney, thou knewst what belongd to a Scholler, thou knewst what paines, what toyle, what trauel conduct to perfection: wel couldst thou giue euery Vertue his encouragement, euery Art his due, euery writer his desert: cause none more vertuous witty, or learned than thy selfe.
    But thou art dead in thy graue, and hast left too few successors of thy glory, too few to cherish the Sons of the Muses, or water those budding hopes with their plenty, which thy bounty erst planted.
Heu rapiunt mala fata bonos.
    Beleeue me Gentlemen, for some crosse mishapes haue taught me experience, ther is not that strict obseruation of honour, which hath beene heretofore. Men of great calling take it of merite, to haue their names eternizde by Poets, & whatsoeuer pamphlet or dedication encounters them, they put it vp in their sleeues, and scarce giue him thankes that presents it. Much better is it for those golden Pens, to raise such vngratfull Peasants from the Dung-hil of obscuritie, and make them equal in fame to the Worthies of olde, when their doting selfe-loue shall challenge it of dutie, and not onely giue them nothing themselues, but impouerish liberality in others.
    This is the lamentable condition of our Times, that men of Arte must seeke almes of Cormorantes, and those that deseue best, be kept vnder by Dunces, who count it a policie to keepe them bare, because they should follow their bookes the better: thinking belike, that as preferment hath made themselues idle, that were earst painefull in meaner places, so it would likewise slacken the endeauours of those Students that as yet striue to excell, in hope of aduauncement. A good policy to suppresse superfluous liberalitie. But had it beene practised when they were promoted, the Yeomandry of the Realme had beene better to passe than it is, and one Droane should not haue driuen so many Bees from the hony-combes.
    I, I, weele giue loosers leaue to talke, it is no matter what Sic probo and his pennilesse companions prate, whilest we haue the gold in our coffers: this is it that will make a knaue an honest man, and my neighbour Cramptons stripling a better Gentleman than his Grandsier. O it is a trim thing, when Pride the sonne goes before, Shame the father followes after. Such presidents there are in our Common-wealth a great many: not so much of them whome Learning and Industry hath exalted, (whome I preferre before Genus and proauos) as of Carterly vpstarts, that out-face Towne and Country in their Veluets, when Sir Rowland Russet-coat their Dad, goes sagging euery day in his round Gascoynes of whyte cotton, and hath much a doo (poore pennie-father) to keepe his vnthrift elbowes in reparations.
    Marry happy are they (say I) that haue such fathers to worke for them whilest they play, for which other men turne ouer many leaues to get bread and cheese in their old age, and studie twentie yeeres to distill golde out of inke; our young maisters doe nothing but deuise how to spend and aske counsaile of the Wine and Capons, how they may quickliest consume their patrimonies. As for me, I liue secure from all such perturbations: for (thankes be to God) I am vacuus viator, and care not though I meete the Commissioners of Newmarket-heath at high midnight, for any Crosses, Images, or Pictures that I carry about me more than needes.
    Than needes (quoth I) nay I would be ashamde of it, if Opusand Usus were not knocking at my doore twentie times a weeke when I am not within; the more is the pittie, that such a franke Gentleman as I, should want: but since the dice runne so vntowardly on my side, I am partly prouided of a remedie. For whereas those that stand most on their honour, haue shut vp their purses, and shifte vs off with court-holie-bread: and on the other side, a number of hypocriticall hot-spurres, that haue God alwayes in their mouthes, will giue nothing for Gods sake; I haue clapt vp a handsome Supplication to the Diuell, and sent it by a good fellow, that I know will deliuer it.
    And because you may beleeue me the better, I care not if I acquaint you with the circumstance.
    I was informde of late dayes, that a certaine blind Retayler called the Diuell, vsed to lend money vpon pawnes, or any thing, and would lette one for a needle haue a thousand pounds vppon a Statute Merchant of his soule: or if a man plide him thoroughly, would trust him vppon a Bill of his hande without any more circumstance. Besides, he was noted for a priuy Benefactor to Traitors and Parasites, and to aduance fooles and Asses far sooner than any, to be a greedy pursuer of newes, and so famous a Politician in purchasing, that Hel (which at the beginning was but and obscure Village) is now become a huge Cittie, whereunto all Countries are tributary.
    These manifest coniectures of Plentie, assembled in one common-place of abilitie; I determined to clawe Auarice by the elbowe, till his full bellie gaue mee a full hande, and lette him bloud with my penne (if it might be) in the veyne of liberaltie: and so (in short time was this Paper-monster Pierce Penilesse begotten.
    But written and all, here lies the question; where shal I finde this olde Asse, that I may deliuer it? Masse thats true, they say the Lawyers haue the Diuell and all; and it is like enough he is playing Ambodexter amonst them. Fie, fie, the Diuell a driuer in Westminster hall, it can neuer be.
    Now I pray what doe you imagine him to bee? perhaps you thinke it is not possible he should be so graue. Oh then you are in an errour, for hee is as formall as the best Scriuener of them all. marry he doth not vse to weare a night-cap, for his hornes will not let him: and yet I know a hundred as well headed as he, that will make a iolly shift with a Court-cup on their crownes if the weather be colde.
    To proceede with my tale, to Westminster hall I went, and made a search of Enquiry, from the blacke gown to the buckram bagge, if there were any such Sergeant, Bencher, Counsellor, Attorney, or Pettifogger, as Signior Cornuto Diablo, with the good face. But they al (vna voce) affirmed, that he was not there: marry whether he were at the Exchaunge or no, amongst the rich Merchantes, that they could not tell: but it was likelier of the two, that I should meet with him, or heare of him at the least in those quarters. I faith, and say you so quoth I, and Ile bestowe a little labour more, but Ile hunt him out.
    Without more circumstance, thither came I, and thrusting my selfe, as the manner is, amongst the confusion of languages, I asked, (as before) whether he were there extant or no? But from one to another, Non noui Dæmonem was all the answer I could get. At length (as Fortune serued) I lighted vpon an old stradling Vsurer, clad in a damaske cassocke edged with Fox fur, a paire of trunke slops, sagging down like a Shoomakers wallet, and a shorte thrid-bare gown on his backe, fac't with moatheaten budge, vpon his head he wore a filthy course biggen, and next it a garnish of night-caps, which a sage butten-cap, of the forme of a cow-sheard ouer spread very orderly: a fat chuffe it was I remember, with a gray beard cut short to the stumps, as though it were grimde, and a huge woorme-eaten nose, like a cluster of grapes hanging downe-wardes. Of him I demaunded if hee could tell m[e] any tidings of the partie I sought for.
    By my troth quoth he stripling, (and then he cought) I saw him not lately, nor know I certanely where he keepes: but thus much I heard by a Broker a friend of mine, that hath had some dealings with him in his time, that he is at home sicke of the gout and will not bee spoken withal, vnder more than thou art able to giue, some two or three hundred angels at least, if thou hast anie sute to him: & then parhapes hele straine curtesie with his legges in childe-bed, and come forth and talke with thee: but otherwise, Non est domi, hee is busie with Mammon, and the prince of the North, how to build vp his kingdome, or sending his spirites abroad to vndermine the maligners of his gouernment.
    I hearing of this cold comfort, tooke me leaue of him verie faintly, and like a carelesse malecontent that knew not which way to turne, retired me to Paules to seeke my dinner with Duke Humfrey: but when I came there, the olde souldier was not vp: he is long a rising thought I, but thats all one: for he that hath no mony in his purse, must go dine with sir Iohn Best-betrust, at the signe of the chalk and the Post.
    Two hungry turnes had I scarce fetcht in this wast gallery, when I was encountred by a neat pedantical fellow, in forme of a Cittizen: who thrusting himselfe abruptly into my companie like an Intelligencer, began very earnestly to question with me about the cause of my discontent, or what made me so sad, that seemed too yoong to be acquainted with sorrow. I nothing nice to vnfold my estate to any whatsoeuer, discourst to him the whole circumstaunce of my care: and what toyle and paines I had tooke in searching for him that would not be heard of. Why sir (quoth he) had I been priuie to your purpose before, I could haue easd you of this trauell: for if it be the diuell you seeke for, I know I am his man. I pray sir how
Non bene conducti vendunt periuria testes.
might I call you? A knight of the Post quoth he, for so I am tearmed: a fellowe that will sweare you any thing for twelue pence, but indeed I am a spirite in nature and essence, that take vpon me this humaine shape, onely to set men together by the eares, and send soules by millions to hell.
    Now trust me a substantiall trade, but when doe you thinke you could send next to your maister? why euery day: for there is not comorant that dies, or Cut-purse that is hanged, but I dispatch letters by his soule to him, and to all my friends in the low-cuntries: wherefore, if you haue any thing that you would haue transported: giue it me, and I will see it deliuered. Yes marry haue I (quoth I) a certaine Supplication here vnto your Maister, which you may peruse if it please you. With that he opened it, and read as followeth.
To the high and mightie Prince of
Darknesse, Donsell dell Lucifer, King of
Acheron, Stix and Phlegethon, Duke of Tartary,
marquesse of Conytus, and Lord high Regent
of Lymbo: his distressed Orator Pierce
Penilesse, wisheth encrease of damnati-
on, and malediction eternall, Per
Iesum Chri
stum Dominum nostrum.

M
 
OST humbly sueth vnto your sinfulnes, your singlesoald Orator Pierce Penilesse: that whereas your impious excellence, hath had the poore tennement of his purse any time this halfe yeer for your dauncing schoole, and he (notwithstanding) hath receiued no peny nor crosse for
No ile be sworne vppon a book haue I not.
farme, according to the vsuall manner it may please your gracelesse Maiestie to consider of him, and giue order to your seruant Auarice, he may be dispatched, insomuch as no man heere in London can haue a dauncing schoole without rest, and his wit and knauerie cannot be maintained with nothing. Or if this be not so plausible to your honourable infernalship, it might seeme good to your helhood, to make extent vpon the soules of a number of vnccaritable cormorants, who hauing incurd the daunger of a Præmunire, with medling with matters that properly concerne your owne persone, deserue no longer to liue (as men) amongst men, but to bee incorporated in the society of diuels. By which meanes, the mighty controller of fortune, and imperious subuerter of desteny, delicious gold, the poore mans God and Idoll of Princes (that lookes pale and wanne through long imprisonment), might at length be restored to his powrfull Monarchie, and eftsoon bee sette at liberty, to helpe his friends that haue neede of him.
    I knowe a great sort of good fellowes that would venture farre for his freedom, and a number
Id est, for the freedome of gold.
of needy Lawyers, (who now mourne in threed-bare gowns for his thraldome) that would goe neere to poison his keepers with false Latine, if that might procure his enlargement: but inexorable yron detaines him in the dungeon of the night, so that now (pure creature) hee can neither traffique with the Mercers and Tailers as he was wont, nor dominere in Tauernes as he ought.
    Famine, Lent, and dessolation, sit in Onyon skind iackets before the doore of his indurance, as a Chorus in the Tragedy of Hospitality, to tell hunger and pouertie thers no reliefe for them there: and in the inner part of this vgly habitation, stands Greedinesse, prepared to deuoure all that enter, attyred in a Capouch of written parchment, buttond downe before with Labels of wax, and lined with sheepes fels for warmenes: his Cappe furd with cats skins, after the Muscouie fashion, and all to be tasseld with
The description of Greedines.
Angle-hookes in stead of Aglets, ready to catch hold of all those to whom he shewes any humblenes: for his breeches they were made of the lists of broad cloaths, which he had by letters pattents assured him and his heyres, to the vtter ouerthrowe of Bowcases and Cushin makers, and bumbasted they were like Beere-barrels, with statute Marchants and forfeitures. But of al, his shooes were the strangest, which being nothing els but a couple of crab shels, were toothd at the tooes with two sharp sixpennie nailes, that digd vp, euerie dunghil they came by for gould, and snarld at the stones as he went in the street, because they were so common for men, women and chidren, to tread vpon, and he could not deuise how to wrest an odde fine out of any of them.
    Thus walkes hee vp and downe all his life time, with an yron crow in his hand in steed of a staffe, and a Sariants Mace in his mouth (which night and day he still gnawd vpon) & either busies himselfe in setting siluer lime twigs to entangle yoong Gentlemen, and casting foorth silken shapes to catch Woodcocks, or in syuing of Muckhils and shop-dust, whereof he will boult a whole cartload to gaine a bowd Pinne.
    On the other side, Dame Niggardize his wife, in a sedge rug kirtle, that had beene a mat time
The description of dame Nigardize.
out of minde, a course hempen raile about her shoulders, borrowed of the one end of a hop-bag, an apron made of almanackes out of date (such as stand vpon Screens, or on the backside of a dore in a Chandlers shop), and an old wiues pudding pan on her head, thrumd with the parings of her nailes, sate barrelling vp the droppings of hir nose, in steed of oyle to saime wooll withall, and would not aduenture to spit without halfe a dozen porrengers at her elbow.
    The house (or rather the hell) where these two Earthwormes encaptiued this beautifull Substaunce, was vaste, large, strong buildt, and well furnished, all saue the Kitchin: for that was no bigger then the Cookes roome in a ship, with a little court chimney, about the compasse of a Parenthesis in proclamation print: then iudge you what diminutiue dishes came out of this doues-neast. So likewise of the Buttry, for whereas in houses of such stately foundation that are builte to outward shewe so magnificent, euery Office is answerable to the Hall, which is principall, there the Buttry was no more but a blind Cole-house vnder a paire of staires, wherein (vprising and downelying) was but one single single kilderkin of small beere, that would make a man with a carrouse of a spoonfull, runne through an Alphabet of faces. Nor vsd they any glasses or cups (as other men) but onely little farthing ounce boxes, whereof one of them likd vp with froath (in manner and forme of an Ale-house) was a meales allowance for the whole houshold. It were lamentable to tel what misery the Rattes and Mise endured in this hard world, how when all supply of vittualls failed them, they went a Boot-haling one night to Sinior Greedinesse bed-chamber, where finding nothing but emptines and vastitie, they encountred (after long inqusition) with a cod-peece, wel dunged and manured with greace (which my pinch-fart penie-father had retaind from his Bachelorship, vntill the eating of these presents). Vppon that they set, and with a couragious assault rent it cleene away from the breeches, and then carried it in triumph like a coffin on their shoulders betwixt them. The verie spiders and dust-weauers, that wont to set vp their loomes in euery window, decayed and vndone through the extreame dearth of the place, (that afforded them no matter to worke on) were constrained to breake against their wills, and goe dwell in the countrey, out of the reach of the broome and the wing: and generally, not a flea nor a cricket that caried any braue minde, that would stay there after he had once tasted the order of their fare. Onely vnfortunate gold (a predestinat slaue to drudges and fooles) liues in endlesse bondage ther amongst them, and may no way be releast, except you send the rot halfe a yeare amongst his keepers, and so make them away with a murrion one after another.
    O, but a far greater enormity raigneth in the hart of the Court: Pride the peruerter of all
The complaint of pride.


The nature of an vpstart.
Vertue, sitteth appareled in the Marchants spoiles, and ruine of yoong Citizens: and scorneth learning, that gaue their vpstart Fathers, titles of gentry.
    All malcontent sits the greasie son of a Cloathier, & complaines (like a decaied Earle) of the ruine of ancient houses; whereas the Weauers loomes first framed the web of his honor, & the lockes of wool that bushs and brambles haue tooke for toule of insolent sheep, that would needs striue for the wall of a fir bush, haue made him of the tenths of their tar, a Squier of low degree: and of the collectio[n]s of their scatterings, a iustice Tam Marti quam Mercurio, of Peace & of Coram. Hee will be humorous forsooth, and haue a broode of fashions by himselfe. Sometimes (because Loue commonly weares the liuerey of Wit) hee will be an Inamorato Poeta, & sonnet a whole quire of paper in praise of Lady Swin-snout, his yeolow-fac'd Mistres, & weare a feather of her rainbeaten fan for a fauor, like a fore-horse. Al Italionato is his talke, & his spade peake is as sharpe as if he had been a Pioner before the walls of Roan. Hee will despise the barbarisme of his own Cou[n]trey, & tel a whole Legend of lyes of his trauailes vnto Constantinople. If he be challenged to fight, for his delatorye excuse hee objects, that it is not the custome of the Spaniard or the Germaine to looke back to euery dog that barks. You shall see a dapper Iacke, that hath been but ouer at Deepe, wring his face round about, as a man would stir vp a mustard pot, & talke English through ye teeth like Iaques Scabd-hams, or Monsieur Mingo de Moustrap: when (poore slaue) he hath but dipt his bread in wilde Boares greace, and come home againe: or been bitten by the shins by a wolfe: and saith, he hath aduentured vpon the Barricadoes of Gurney or Guingan, and fought with the yong Guise hand to hand.
    Some thinke to be counted rare Politicians and Statesmen, by being solitary: as who would say, I am a wise man, a braue man, Secreta mea mihi: Frustra sapit, qui sibi non sapit: and there no
The counterfeit polititian.
man worthy of my companie or friendship: when, although he goes vngartred like a malecontent Cutpursse, & weares his hat ouer his eies like one of the cursed crue, yet ca[n]not his stabing dagger, or his nittie loue lock keep him out of the legend of fantasticall cockscombs. I pray ye good Mou[n]sier diuel take some order, yt the streetes be not pestered with them so as they are. Is it not a pitiful thing that a fellow that eates not a good meales meat in a weeke, but beggereth his belly quite and cleane, to make his backe a certaine kind of brokerly Gentlenam: and nowe and then (once or twice in a Tearme) comes to the eighteene pence Ordenary, because hee would bee seen amongst Caualiers and braue courtiers, liuing otherwise all the yeere long with salt Butter and Holland cheese in his chamber, should take vppe a scornfull melancholy in his gate and countenance, and talke as though our common welth were but a mockery of gouernment, and our Maiestrates fooles, who wronged him in not looking into his deserts, not imploying him in State matters, and that if more regard were not had of him very shortly, the whole Realme should haue a misse of him, & he would go (I mary would he) where he should be more accounted of?
    Is it not wondefull ill prouided, I say, that this disdainfull companion is not made one of the fraternity of Fooles, to talke before great States, with some olde moth eaten Polititian, of mending high waies, and leading Armies into Fraunce?
    A yoong Heyre or Cockney, that is his Mothers Darling, if hee haue playde the waste-good at
The prodigall yoong Master.
the Innes of the Court or about London, and that neither his Students pension, nor his vnthrifts credite will serue to maintaine his Collidge of whores any longer, falles in a quarrelling humor with his fortune, because she made him not King of the Indies, and sweares and stares sfter ten in the hundreth, that nere a such Pesant as his Father or brother shall keepe him vnder, hee will to the sea and teare the gold out of the Spaniards throats but he will haue it, byrlady when he comes there, poore soule hee lyes in brine in Balist, and is lamentable sick of the scuruies, his dainty fare is turned to a hungry feast of Dogs& Cats, or Haberdine and poore Iohn at the most, and which is lamentablest of all, that without Mustard.
    As a mad Ruffion on a time, being in daunger of shipwrack by a tempest, and seeing all other at their vowes and praiers, that it would please God of his infinite goodnesse, to delyuer them out of that imminent daunger, one woulde abiure this sinne wher vnto he was addicted: an other, make satisfaction for that vyolence he had committed: he in a desperate iest, began thus to reconcile his soule to heauen.
    O lord, if it may seeme good to thee to deliuer me from this feare of vntimely death, I vow before thy Throne and all thy starry Host, neuer to eate Haberdine more whilest I liue. Well, so it fell out that the Sky cleared, and the tempest ceased, and this carelesse wretch that made such a mockery of praier, readie to set foote a Land, cryed out: not without Mustard good Lord, not without Mustard: as though it had been the greatest torment in the world, to haue eaten Haberdine without Mustard. But this by the way, what pennance can be greater for Pride, than to let it swinge in his owne halter? Dulce bellum in expertis, theres no man loues the smooke of his owne Countrey, that hath not beene syngde in the flame of an other soyle. It is a pleasante thing ouer a full pot, to read the fable of thirsty Tantalus: but a harder matter to digest salt meates at Sea, with stinking water.
    An other misery of Pride it is, when men that haue good parts, and beare the name of
The pride of the learned.
deepe scholers: cannot be content to participate one faith with all Christendome, but because they will get a name to their vaineglory, they will set their self-loue to studie to inuent new sects of singularitie, thinking to liue when they are dead, by hauing sects called after their names, as Donatists of Donatus Arrians of Arrius: and a number more new faith-founders that haue made England the exchange of Innouations, and almost asmuch confusion of Religion in euery Quarter, as there was of tongues at the building of the Tower of Babell. Whence, a number that fetch the Articles of their Beleefe out of Aristotle, and thinke of heauen and hell as the Heathen Philosophers, take occasion to deride our Ecclesiasticall State, and all Ceremonies of Deuine worship, as bug-beares scar-crowes, because (like Herodes souldiers) we diuide Christs garment amongst vs in so many peeces, and of the vesture of saluation make some of vs Babies and apes coates, others straight trusses and Diuells breeches: some gally-gascoignes or a shipmans hose like the Anabaptists and adulterous Familists, others with the Martinist a hood with two faces to hide their hypocrisie: & to conclude some like the Barrowists and Greenwodians, a garment full of the plague, which is not to be worne before it be new washt.
    Hence Atheists triumph and reioyce, and talke as prophanely of the Bible, as of Beuis of Hampton. I heare say there be Mathematitions abroad, that will prooue men before Adam, and they are harboured in high places, who will maintaine it to the death, that there are no diuels.
The diuell hath children (as other men) but fewe of them know their owne father.



The pride of Artificers.



The pride of Marchants wiues.

    It is a shame (senior Belzibub) that you should suffer your selfe thus to be tearmed a bastard, or not approue to your predestinate children, not only that they haue a father, but that you are he that must owne them. These are but the suburbes of the sinne we haue in hand: I must describe to you a large cittie, wholy inhabited with this damnable enormitie.
    In one place let me shew you a base Artificer, that hath no reuenues to boast on, but a Needle in his bosome; as braue as any Pensioner or Noble man.
    In an other corner, Mistris Minx a Marchants wife, that will eate no Cherries forsooth, but when they are at twenty shillings a pound, that lookes as simperingly as if she were besmeard, and iets it as gingerly as if she were dancing the Canaries: she is so finicall in her speach, as though she spake nothing but what shee had first sewd ouer before in her Samplers, and the puling accent of her voyce is like a fained treble, or ones voyce that interprets to the puppets. What should I tel how sqeamish she is in her dyet, what toyle she puts her poore seruaunts vnto, to make her looking glasses in the pauement? how she will not go into the field to cowre on the green grasse, but she must haue a Coatch for her conuoy: and spends halfe a day in pranking her selfe if she be inuited to any strange place? Is not this the excesse of pride signior Sathan? Goe too, you are vnwise, if you make her not a chiefe Saint in your Calender.
    The next object that encounters my eyes, is some such obscure vpstart gallants, as
The pride of pesants sprung vp of nothing.
without desert of seruice are raised from the plough, to be checkmate with Princes: and these I can no better compare than to creatures that are bred Sine coitu, as crickets in chimnies, to which I resemble poore Scullians, that from turning spit in the chimney corner, are on the sodaine hoised vp from the Kitchin into the waiting chamber, or made Barons of the bieues, and Marquesses of the Marybones: some by corrupt water, as gnats, to which we may liken Brewers, that by retayling filthy Thames water, come in few yeares to bee worth fortie or fiftie thousand pound: others by dead wine, as little flying wormes, and so the Vintners in like case: others by slime as frogs, which may be alluded to Mother Bunches slimie ale, that hath made her, and some other of her fil-pot facultie so wealthie: others by dirt, as wormes, and so I know many gold-finers and hostlers come vp: some by hearbes, as cankers, and after the same sort our Apothecaries: others by ashes as Scarabes: and how else get our Colliers the pence? Others from the putrified flesh of dead beasts, as Bees of Buls, and Butchers by fli-blown beefe, waspes of horsses, and Hackney-men by selling their lame iades to hunts-men for carrion.
    Yet I am not against it, that these men by their mechanicall trades should come to be
Sparagus a flowre that neuer groweth but throgh a mans dong.
Sparage Gentlemen, and chuff-headed Burghomasters: but that better places should bee possessed by coystrels, and the Coblers crowe for crying but Aue Cæsar, bee more esteemed than rarer birds that haue warbled sweeter notes vnrewarded. But it is no meruaile: For as Hemlock fatteth Quailes, and Henbane Swine, which to all other is poyson: so some mens vices haue power to aduaunce them which would subuert any else that should seeke to climb by them: and it is inough in them that they can pare their nailes well to get them a liuing, when as the seauen liberall Sciences and a good leg, will scarse get a scholler a paire of shoos, and a Canuas-dublet.
    These whelpes of the first Litter of Gentilitie, these Exhalations, drawne vp to the heauen of honor, from the dunghill of abiect fortune, haue long been on horseback to come riding to your Diuelship: butI knowe not howe like Saint George they are alwaies mounted, but neuer moue. Here they outface Towne and countrey, and doo nothing but bandie factions with their betters. Theyr big limbes yeelde the Common-wealth no other seruice but idle sweate, and theyr heads like rough hewen Gloabes, are fit for nothing but to be the blockhouses of sleepe. Raynold the Fox may well beare vp his taile in the Lions denne, but when he comes abroad, hee is afraid of euerie dogge that barkes. What Cur wil not bawle, and be ready to flie in a mans face, when he is set on by his maister, who if hee bee not by, to encourage him, he casts his taile betwixt his legs, & steales away like a sheepbyter. Vlisses was a tall man vnder Aiax shield: but by himselfe hee would neuer aduenture but in the night. Pride is neuer built but vpon some pillers: and let his supporters faile him neuer so little, you shall finde him very humble in the dust. Wit oftentimes stands in stead of a chiefe arche to vnderproppe it, in souldiers strength, in women beautie.
    Drudges, that haue no extraordinarie gifts of body, nor of minde, filche themselues into
The base insinuating of drudges and their practise to aspyre.
some Noble mans seruice, either by bribes or by flattery, and when they are there, they so labour it with cap and knee, and plie it with priuie whisperings, that they wring themselues into his good opinion ere he be aware. Then do they vaunt themselues ouer the common multitude, and are readie to out-braue any man that stands by himselfe. Their Lords authoritie is as a rebater to beare vp the Peacocks taile of theyr boasting, and any thing that is said or doone to the vnhandsoming of their ambition, is straight wrested to the name of treson. Thus do weedes grow vp whiles no man regards them, and the Ship of Fooles is arriued in the Hauen of Felicitie, whilst the scoutes of Enuie contemne the attempts of any such small Barkes.
    But beware you that be great mens Fauorites: let not a seruile insinuating slaue creepe betwixt your legs into credit with your Lords: for pesants that come out of the colde of pouertie, once cherisht in the bosome of prosperitie, will straight forget that euer there was a winter of want, or who gaue them roome to warme them. The sonne of a churle cannot chuse but prooue ingratefull like his Father. Trust not a villaine that hath beene miserable, and is sodainly growne happie. Vertue ascendeth by degrees of desert vnto dignitie: golde and lust may lead a man a nearer way to promotion: but he that hath neither comlinesse nor coine to commend him, vndoubtedly strides ouer time by stratagems,
As by carrying tales or playing the doutie Pandor.



The pride of the Spaniard.
if of a mole-hil hee growes to a mountaine in a moment. This is that which I vrge, there is no friendship to be had with him, that is resolute to doe or suffer anything, rather than to endure the destinie whereto he was borne: for he will not spare his owne Father or Brother, to make himselfe a Gentleman.
    Fraunce, Italy, and Spaine, are all full of those false hearted Machiuillions: but properly Pride is the disease of the Spaniard, who is borne a Bragart in his mothers wombe: for if he be but 17 yeeres old and hath come to the place where a Field was fought (though halfe a yeare before) he then talks like one of the Giants that made warre vppon his honour as much, as if hee were one of Augustus Souldiers, of whom he first instituted the order of Heralds: and let a man sooth him in his vaine of kilcow vanitie, you may commaund his heart out of his belly to make you a rasher on the coales, if you will next your heart.
    The Italian is a more cunning proud fellowe, that hides his humour far cleanlier, and
The pride of the Italian.
indeed seemes to take a pride in humilitie, and will profer a straunger more curtesie than hee meanes to performe. Hee hateth him deadly that takes him at his word: as for example, if vpon occasion of meeting, he request you to dinner or supper at his house, and that at the first or second intreatie you promise to bee his guest, he will be the mortalst enemie you haue: but if you deny him, he will thinke you haue manners and good bringing vp, and will loue you as his brother: marry at the third or fourth time you must not refuse him. Of all things he counteth it a mighty disgrace to haue a man pass iustling by him in hast on a narrowe causey, and aske him no leaue, which he neuer reuengeth with lesse then a stab.
    The Frenchman (not altered from his owne nature) is wholly compact of deciuable Courtship, and for the most part, loues none but himselfe and his pleasure: yet though he be the most
The pride of the French man.
Grand Signeur of them all, he will say, A vostre seruice & commandemente Mounseur, to the meanest vassaile he meets. Hee thinkes he doth a great fauour to that gentleman or follower of his, to whom he talks sitting on his close stoole: and with that fauour (I haue heard) the queene mother wonted to grace the Noble men of France: and a great man of their Nation comming in time past ouer into England, and beeing heere very honourably receiued, he in requital of his admirable entertainment, on an eueining going to the priuie (as it were to honour extraordinaryly our english Lords, appointed to attend him) gaue one the candle, another his girdle, & another the paper: but they (not acquainted with this newe kinde of gracing) accompanying him to the priuy dore, set down the trash, & so left him: which he (considering what kindnes he extended to the[m] therin more than vsual) took hainously.
    The most grosse and sencelesse proud dolts (in a different kind from all these) are the
The pride of the dane.



If you know him not by any of these marks look on his fingers, & you shall be sure to find half a dozen siluer rings worth thre pence a peece.
Danes: who stand so much vpon their vnweldy burliboand souldiery, that they account of no man that hath not a battle Axe at his girdle to hough dogs with, or weares not a cockes feather in a red thrumd hat like a caualier: briefly, he is the best foole bragart vnder heauen. For besides, nature hath left him a flaberkin face, like one of the foure winds, and cheekes that sag like a womans dugs ouer his chin-bone, his apparel is so puft vp with bladders of Taffetie, and his back like biefe stuft with Parsley, so drawne out with Ribands and deuises, and blisterd with light sarcenet bastings, that you would thinke him nothing but a swarme of Butterflies, if you saw him a farre off. Thus walkes he vp and downe in his Maiestie, taking a yard of ground at euery step, and stamps on the earth so terrible as if he ment to knocke vppe a spirite, when (foule drunken bezzle) if an Englishman set his little finger to him, he falles like a hogs-trough that is set on one end. Therfore I am the more vehement against them, because they are an arrogant Asse-headed people, that naturally hate learning, and all them that loue it: yea, and for they would vtterly roote it out from among them, they haue withdrawen al rewards from the Professors therof. Not Barbary it selfe is halfe so barbarous as they are. First, whereas the hope of honour maketh a Souldior in England: Byshopricks, Deanries, Prebendaries, and other priuate dignities, animate our Diuines to such excellence. The ciuil Lawyers haue their degrees & consistories of honour by themselues, equal in place with Knights and Esquiers: the common Lawyers, (suppose in the beginning they are but husband-mens sone) come in time to be chiefe Fathers of the land, and manie of them not the meanest of the Priuie Counsell.
    There the souldiour may fight himselfe out of his skinne, and do more exploites than
No rewards amongst them for desert.
he hath doytes in his purse, before from a common mercenary, he come to be Corporal of the mouldcheese: or the Lieutenant get a Captainship. None but the son of a Corporall must be a Corporall, nor any be Captaine, but the lawfull begotten of a Captaines body, Bishprickes, Deanries, Prebenaries, why they know no such functions: a sort of ragged Ministers they haue, of whom they count as basely, as water-bearers. If any of their Noblemen refraine three howers in his life time from drinking, to study the Lawes, hee may perhaps haue a little more gouernment put into his hands than another: but otherwise, Burgomasters and Gentlemen beare all the swaye of both swords, spirituall and temporall. It is death there for anie but a husbandman to marry a hubandmans daughter, or a Gentlemans childe to ioyne with any but the sonne of a Gentleman, marry this the King may well banish, but hee cannot put a Gentleman vnto death in any cause whateuer, which makes them stand vppon it so proudly as they doe. For fashion sake some will put their children to schoole, but they set them not to it till they are foureteene yeere olde: so that you shall see a great boy with a beard learne his A B C. and sit weeping vnder the rod, when he is thirtie yeeres old.
    I will not stand to inferre, what a preiudice it is to the thrift of a florishing State, to
What it is to make men labor without hope.
poyson the growth of glory, by giuing it nought but the puddle water of penury to drinke: to clippe the winges of a high towring Faulcon, who, wheras she wont in her feathered youthfulnesse, to looke with an amiable eye vppon her gray breast, and her speckled side sayles, all sinnowed with siluer quilles, and to dryue whole armies of fearefull fowle before her to her maisters Table: now she sits sadly on the ground, picking of wormes, mourning the crueltie of those vngentleman-like idle hands, that dismembred the beauty of her trayne.
    You all knowe, that man (insomuch as hee is the Image of God) delighteth in honour and worship, and all holy Writ warrantes that delight, so it bee not derogatory to any part of Gods owne worship: now take away that delight, a discontented idlenesse ouertakes him. For his hire, any handicraft man, be he Carpenter, Ioyner, or Painter, wil ploddingly do his day labor: but to add credit and fame to his workmanship, or to win a maistery to himself aboue all other, hee will make a further assay in his trade, than euer hitherto he did, hee will haue a thousand florishes which before he neuer thought vpon, and in one day ridde more out of hand, than earst hee did in ten: So in Armes, So in Artes, if titles of fame and glory be proposed to forward minds, or that soueraignetie (whose sweetnes they haue not yet felt) be set in likely view for them to sore too, they will make a ladder of cord of the links of their braines, but they will fasten their handes as well as their eies, on the imaginatiue blisse, which they already enioy by admiration. Experience reproues me for a foole, for dilating on so manifest a case.
    The Danes are bursten-bellied sots, that are to bee confuted with nothing but Tankards or quart pots, and Ouid might as well haue read his verses to the Getes that vnderstood him not, as a man talk reason to them that haue no eares but their mouths nor sense but of that which they swallowe downe their throates. God so loue me, as I loue the quicke-witted Italians, and therefore loue them the more, because they detest this surley swinish Generation.
    I need not fetch colours from other countries to paint the vglie visage of Pride, since her picture is set forth in so many painted faces here at home. What drugs, what sorceries, what oiles, what oyntments, doe our curuious Dames vse to inlarge their withered beauties? Their lips are as lauishly red, as if they vsed to kisse an okerman euery morning, and their cheeks suger-candied and cherry blusht so sweetly, after the colour of a newe lord Mayors postes, as if the pageant of their wedlocke hiliday were harde at the doore; so that if a Painter were to drawe any of their Counterfets on Table, he needs no more but wet his pencill, and dab it on their cheekes, and he shall haue vermillion and white enough to furnish out his worke, though he leaue his tar-boxe at home behind him. Wise was that sin-washing Poet that made the Ballet of Blue starch and poaking stickes, for indeed the lawne of licentiousnesse hath consumed all the wheat of hospitalitie. It is said Laurence Lucifer, that you went vp and downe London crying then like a lanterne & candle man. I meruaile no Laundresse would giue you the washing and starching of your face for your labour, for God knowes it is as black as the blacke Prince.
    It is suspected you haue beene a great Tobacco taker in your youth, which causeth it to come so to passe: but Dame Nature your nurse was partly in fault, else she might haue remedied it. She should haue noynted your face ouernight with Lac virginis, which baking vpon it in bed till the morning, she might haue pild off the scale like the skin of a custard, and making a posset of vergis mixt with the oyle of Tartary and Camphire, bathde it in a quarter of an houre, and you had been as faire as the floure of the frying pan. I warrant we haue old hucksters in this great Gandmother of Corporations, Madame Troynouant, that haue not backbited any of their neighbours with the tooth of enuy this twentie yeare, in the wrinckles of whose face, ye may hide false dice, and play at cherry-pit in the dint of their cheekes, yet these aged mothers of iniquitie will haue their deformities newe plaistred ouer, and weare nosegayes of yeolow haire on their furies foreheads, when age hath written Hoe God be here, on their bald burnt parchment pates. Pish, pish, what talke you of old age or balde pates? men and women that haue gone vnder the South pole, must lay off their furde night-caps in spight of their teeth, and become yeomen of the Vinegar bottle: a close periwig hides all the sinnes of an olde whore-master, but Cucullus non facit Monachum: tis not their newe bonnets will keepe them from the old boanach. Ware when a mans sins are written on his ey-browes, and that there is not a haire bredth betwixt them and the falling of sicknes. The times are dangerous: and this is an yron age, or rather no yron age, for swordes and bucklers goe to pawne a pace in Long-Lane: but a tinne age, for tinne and pewter are more esteemed than Latine. You that bee wise despise it, abhorre it, neglect it; for what shoulde a man care for gold that cannot get it.
    An Antiquarie is an honest man, for hee had rather scrape a peece of copper out of the
The commendation of Antiquaries. Laudamus veteres, sed nos tris vtimur annis.
durt, than a crowne out of Ploydens standish. I know many wise Gentlemen of this mustie vocation, who out of loue with the times wherein they liue, fall a retayling of Alexanders stirrops, because (in veritie) there is not suche a strong peece of stretching leather made now adayes, nor yron so well tempred for any money. They will blow their nose in a boxe, & say it is the spettle that Diogenes spet in ones face: who being inuited to dinner to his house, that was neat and braue in all points as might be deuised; and the grunting Dogge somewhat troubled with the rheume (by meanes of his long fasting and staying for dinner more than wont) spet full in his Hostesse face: and beeing askt the reason of it, said; it was the foulest place he could spie out in all his house. Let their Mistresse (or some other woman) giue them a feather of her fanne for her fauour, and if one aske them what it is? they make answer, a plume of the Phenix, wherof there is but one in all the whole world. A thousand guegawes and toyes haue they in their chambers, which they heape vp together with infinite expence, and are made beleeue of them that sell them, that they are rare and pretious thinges, when they haue gathered them vpon some dunghill, or rakte them out of the kennell by chance. I know one sold an old rope with foure knots on it for foure pound, in that he gaue it out, it was the length and breadth of Christs tombe. Let a Tinker take a peece of brasse worth a halfe penie, and set strange stamps on it, and I warrant he may make it more worth to him of some fantasticall foole, than all the kettels that euer he mended in his life. This is the disease of our newfangled humorists, that know not what to doe with their welth. It argueth a very rusty witte, so to doate on worme-eaten Elde.

The complaint of Enuie.
O
 
VT vpon it, how long is Pride a dressing her selfe? Enuie awake for thou must appear before Nicalao Maleuolo great Muster maister of hell. Marke you this slie mate, how smoothly hee lookes? The Poets were ill aduised, that fained him to be a leane gag toothed Beldam with hollow eyes, pale cheeks, and snakie heire: for he is not onely a man, but a iolly lusty Gentleman, that will winke, and laugh, and ieast drily, as if he were the honestest of a thousand: and I warrant you shall not heare a foule word come from him in a yeare. I wil not contradict it, but the Dog may worry a sheepe in the dark, & thrust his necke into the collar of clemency & pity when he hath don: as who shold say, God forgiue him, hee was a sleepe in the shambles, when the innocent was done to death. But openly, Enuie sets a ciuil fatherly countenance vpon it, & hath not so much as a drop of bloud in his face to attaint him of murther. I thought it expedient in this my Supplication, to place it next to Pride: for it is his adopted sonne. And hence comes it, that proud men repine at others prosperitie, and greeue that any should be great but themselues. Mens cuiusque, is est quisque: it is a Prouerbe that is as hoary as Dutch-butter. If a man will go to the diuell, he may go to the diuell: there are a thousand iugling tricks to be vsed at hey passe come aloft: & the world hath cords enough to trus vp a calf that stands in ons way. Enuie is a Crocodile that weepes when he kils, and fights with none but he feedes on. This is the nature of this quick-sighted monster, he will endure any paynes to endamage another, waste his body with vnder-taking exploytes that would require tenne mens strengths, rather than any should get a penny but himselfe, bleare his eyes to stand in his neighbours light; and to conclude, like Atlas vnder-proppe heauen alone, rather than any should be in heauen that hee likte not of, or come vnto heauen by any other meanes but by him.
    You goodman wandrer about the world, how doe yee spende your time, that you do not rid
Philip of Spaine, as great an enemy to mankind as the diuell.
vs of these pestilent members? you are vnworthy to haue an office if you can execute it no better. Behold another enemy of mankinde besides thy selfe exalted in the South, Philip of Spaine, who not content to bee the God of gold, and chiefest commaunder of content that Europe affoords, but now he doth nothing but thirst after humane bloud, when his foot is on the thresholde of the graue: and as a Wolfe beeing about to deuoure a horse, dost balaist his belly with earth, that hee may hang the heauier vppon him, and then forcibly flyes in his face, neuer leauing his hold till he hath eaten him vp, so this woluish vnnaturall vsurper, being about to deoure all Christendom by inuasion, doth cram his treasures with Indian earth, to make his malice more forcible, and then flyes in the bosome of Fraunce and Belgia, neuer withdrawing his forces (as the Wolfe his fastning) till he hath deuoured their welfare, & made the war-wasted carcases of both kingdomes a pray for his tyranny. Onely poore England giues him bread for his cake, and holdes him out at armes end. His Armadoes (Yt like a high wood ouer-shadowed the shrubs of our low ships) fled from the breath of our Cannons, as vapors before the Sun, or as the Elephant flies from the Ram, or the Sea Whale from the noyse of parched bones. The winds enuying that the aire should be dimmed with such a Chaos of wodden clouds, raised vp high bulwarks of bellowing waues, whence Death shot at their disordred Nauy: and the Rockes with their ouer-hanging iawes, eate vp all the fragments of oake that they left. So perisht our foes, so the Heauens did fight for vs. Præ Hippomenes, resonant spectacula plausu.
    I do not doubt (Doctor Diuell) but you were present in this action or passion rather, and helpt to bore holes in ships, to make them sinke faster; and rence out Galley-foistes with salt water, that stunk like fustie barrels with their Maisters feare. It will be a good while ere you doe as much for the King, as you did for his subiects. I would haue ye persuade an Armie of goutie Vsurers to go to Sea vppon a boon voyage: trie if you can tempt Enuy to embarke himself in the mal'aduenture, and leaue troubling the streame, that Poets and good fellowes may drinke, and Souldiers may sing Placebo, that haue murmured so long at the waters of strife.
    But thay wil neuer be: for so long as Pride, Riot, and whoredome are the companions of yoong Courtiers, they wil alwayes bee hungry, and ready to bite at euery Dog that hath a boane giuen him besides themselues. Iesu, what a secret grudge and rancor raignes amongst them, one being ready to dispaire of himself, if he see the Prince but giue his fellow a faire looke: or to die for griefe if he be put down in brauery neuer so little. Yet this custome haue our false hearts fetcht from other countries, that they will sweare and protest loue, where they hate deadly, and smile on him most kindly, whose subuersion in soule they haue vowed. Fraus sublimi regnat in aula. Tis rare to find a true friend in Kings Pallaces; Either thou must be so miserable, that thou fall into the hands of scornful pitie, or thou canst not escape the sting of enuy. In one thought assemble the famous men of all ages, and tel me which of them all sate in the sun-shine of his soueraignes grace, or wext great of low beginnings, but he was spite-blasted, heaued at, & ill spoken of: and that of those that bare them most countenaunce. But were enuy nought but wordes, it might seeme to bee onely womens sinne: but it hath a lewde mate hanging on his sleeue, called Murther, a sterne fellowe, that (like a Spanyard in fight) aymeth all at the heart: hee hath more shapes than
Murder, the companion of Enuie.



Italie, the storehouse of all murderous inuentions.
Proteus, and will shifte himselfe vppon any occasion of reuengement, into a mans dish, his drinke, his apparell, his ringes, his stirrops, his nosegay.
    O Italy, the Academie of man-slaughter, the sporting place of murther, the Apothecary shop of poyson for all Nations: how many kind of weapons hast thou inuented for malice? Suppose I loue a mans wife whose husband yet liues and cannot enioy her for his iealous ouer-looking: Physicke, or rather the art of murther (as it may be vsed) will lend one a Medicine which shall make him away, in the nature of that disease he is most subiect to, whether in the space of a yeare, a moneth, halfe a yeare, or what tract of time you will, more or lesse.
    In Rome the Papal Chayre is washt euery fiue yeares at the furthest with this oyle of Aconitum. I pray God the King of Spayne feasted not our holy father Sextus, that was last, with such conserue of Henbane, for it was credibly reported hee loued him not, & this that is now, is a God made with his owne hands as it may appeare by the Pasquil that was set vp of him, in manner of a note, presently after his election. Sol, Re, Me, Fa. that is to say: Solus Rex me facit; onely the K. of
The pasquil that was made vpon this last Pope.



As Cardinal Wholsey for example.
Spaine made me Pope. I am no Chronicler from our owne Countrey, but if probable suspition might bee heard vppon his oath, I thinke some mens soules would not need bee canonized for Martyrs, that on the earth did sway it as Monarches.
    Is it your will and pleasure (noble Lantsgraue of Lymbo) to let vs haue lesse carousing to your health in poison, fewer vnder hand conspirings, or open quarrels, executed onely in wordes, as they are in the world now a dayes: & if men wil needes carouse, conspire, and quarrell, they may make Ruffians hall of Hell: and there, bandy balles of Brimstone at one anothers head, and not trouble our peaceable Paradise with their priuate hurliburlies about strumpets, where no weapon (as in Adams Paradise) should bee named: but onely the Angell of prouidence stand with a fiery sword at the gate, to keep out our enemies.


The complaint of Wrath, a branch of Enuie.
A
 
Perturbation of mind (like vnto Enuy) is Wrath, which looketh farre lower than the former: For whereas Enuie cannot be saide to bee, but in respect of our Superiours, Wrath respecteth no degrees nor persons, but is equally armed agaynst all that offende him. A hare-braind little Dwarfe it is, with a swarth visage, that hath his hart at his tongues end, if he be contraride, and will be sure to do no right nor take no wrong. If hee bee a Iudge or a Iustice, (as some-times the Lyon comes to giue sentence against the Lamb) then he sweares by nothing but by Saint Tyborne, & makes a Newgate a Nowne Substantiue, whereto all his other words are but Adiectiues. Lightly hee is an olde man: (for those
Little men for the most part are most angry.


New gate, a common name for all prisons, as Homo is a common name for a man or a woman.
yeares are most wayward and teatish) yet be he neuer so old or so froward, since Auarice like-wise is a fellow vice of those fraile yeares, wee must set one extreame to striue with another, and alay the anger of oppression, by the sweet incense of a newe purse of angels: or the doting Planet may haue such predominance in these wicked Elders of Israel, that if you send your wife or some other female to plead for you, since shee may get your pardon vpon promise of better acquaintance. But whist, these are the workes of darknesse and may not be talkt of in the day time: Fury is a heate or fire, & must bee quencht with maides water.
    Amongst other cholericke wise Iustices, he was one, that hauing a play presented before
A tale of a wise Iustice.
him and and his Towne-ship, by Tarlton and the rest of his fellowes her Maiesties servants, and they were now entring into their first merriment (as they call it) the people began exceedingly to laugh, when Tarlton first peept out his head. Whereat the iustice not a little moued, and seeing with his beckes and nods hee could not make them cease, he went with his staffe, and beat them round about vnmercifully on the bare pates, in that they being but Farmers & poore countrey Hyndes would presume to laugh at the Queenes men, and make no more account of her cloath in his presence.
    The causes conducting vnto wrath are as divers, as the actions of a mans life. Some will take on like a mad man, if they see a pigge come to the table. Sotericus the Surgeon was cholericke at
The nature of the Irish man.
the sight of Sturgeon. The Irishman will drawe his dagger, and bee ready to kill and slay, if one breake winde in his company: and so some of our English men that are Souldiers, if one giue them the lye: but these are light matters, whereof Pierce complaineth not.
    Be aduertised Master Os fœtidum, Bedle of the Blackesmithes, that Lawyers cannot deuise which way in the world to begge, they are so troubled with brabblements and sutes euery Tearme, of Yeomen and Gentlemen that fall out for nothing.
    If Iohn a Nokes his henne doo but leap into Elizabeth de Gappes close, shee will neuer leaue to haunt her husband, till he bring it to a Nisi priuis. One while, the Parson sueth the parishioner for bringing home his tythes: another while, the Parishioner sueth the Parson for not takinge away his Tythes in time.
A merry tale of a Butcher & his Calues.

    I heard a tale of a Butcher, who driuing two Calues ouer a Common, that were coupled together by the neckes with an Oken With, in the way wher they shold passe, there lay a poore leane Mare with a galde backe, to whome they cumming (as chance fell out) one of one side, and the other of the other, smelling on her (as their manner is ) the midst of the With that was betwixt their necks, rubd her and grated on the sore backe, that shee started and rose vp, and hung them both on her backe as a beame, which being but a rough plaister to her raw vlcer, shee ran away with them (as she were frantick) into the Fens, where the Butcher could not follow them, and drownde both her selfe and them in a Quagmyre. Now the owner of the Mare is in lawe with the Butcher for the losse of his Mare, and the Butcher enterchangeably endites him for his Calues. I pray ye Timothy Tempter, bee an Arbitrator bee twixt them, and couple them both by the neckes (as the Calues were) and carry them to Hel on your backe, and then I hope they wyll be quiet.
    The chiefe spur vnto wrath is Drunkennes, which as the touch of an Ashenbough, causeth a gidinesse in the Vipers head, and the Batte lightly strooke with the leaf of a Tree, loseth his remembrance: so they being but lightly sprinckled with the iuyce of the Hop, become sencelesse, and haue their reason strooken blind, as soone as euer the Cup scaleth fortress of their Nose. Then run their words at random like a dog that hath lost his master, and are vppe with this man and that man, and generally inuay against al men: but those that keepe a wet corner for a friend, and will not thinke scorne to drinke with a good fellowe and a Souldiour: and so long do they practise this vaine on their Ale-bench, that when they are sober they cannot leaue it. There be those that get their liuing al the yeere long, by nothing but rayling.
    Not farre from Chester, I knew an odde foule mouthde knaue, called
A tale of one Fryar Charles, a foule mouthde knaue.
Charles the Fryar, that had a face so parboyled with mens spitting on it, and a backe so often knighted in Bridewell, that it was impossible for any shame or punishment, to terrifie him from ill-speaking, Noblemen he would liken to more vgly things than himself: some to After my hartie commendations, with a dash ouer the head: others, to guilded chines of beefe, or a shoomaker sweating, when he puls on a shoo: another to an old verse in Cato, Ad consilium ne accesseris antequam voceris: another to a Spanish Codpisse: another, that his face was not yet finisht, with such like innumerable absurd illusions: yea, what was he in the Court, but he had a comparison in stead of a Capcase to put him in. Vpon a time being chalenged at his owne weapon in a priuate Chamber, by a great personage, (rayling I meane) he so far outstript him in vilanious words, and ouerbandied him in bitter tearmes, that the name of sport could not perswade him patience, nor containe his furie in any degrees of ieast, but needs hee must wreake himselfe vppon him: neither would a common reuenge suffice him, his displeasure was so infinite (and it may be common reuenges he tooke before, as far as the whipcord would stretch vpon like prouokements) wherefore he caused his men to take him, and brickt him vp in a narrow chimney, that was Neque maior neque corpore locato, where he fed him for fifteene dayes with bread and water through a hole, letting him sleep standing if he would, for lye or sit he could not, and then he let him out to see if he could learne to rule his tongue any better.
    It is a disparagement to those that haue any true sparke of Gentilitie, to be noted of the whole world so to delight in detracting, that they should keepe a venemous toothd Cur, and feed him with the crums that fall from their table, to do nothing but bite euery one by the shins that passe by. If they will needes be merry, let them haue a foole and not a knaue to disport them, and seeke some other to bestow their almes on, than such an impudent begger.
    As there be those that rayle at all men, so there be those that raile at all Arts, as Cornelius Agrippa De vanitate scientiarum, and a Treatise that I haue seene in dispraise of learning, where he saith, it is the corrupter of the simple, the schoolemaister of sin, the storehouse of treacherie, the reuiuer of vices, and mother of cowardize, alledging many examples, how there was neuer man egregiously euill, but he was a Scholler: that when the vse of letters was first inuented, the Golden World ceased, Facinusque inuasit mortales: how studie dooth effeminate a man, dim his sight, weaken his brain, and ingender a thousand diseases. Small learning would serue to confute so manifest a scandale, and I imagine all men like my selfe so vnmoueablie resolued of the excellencie thereof, that I will not by the
An inuectiue against enemies of Poetrie.


Absit arrogantia, that this speeche shold concerne all diuines, but such dunces as abridge men of their lawfull liberty and care not howe vnprepared they speake to their Auditorie.


Such Sermons I meane as our sectuaries preach in ditches and other Conuenticles when they leape from the Coblers stal to their pulpits.

vnderpropping of confutation seeme to giue the idle witted aduersarye so much encouragement, as hee should surmize his superficiall arguments had shaken the foundation of it: against which hee could neuer haue lifted his penne, if her selfe had not helpt him to hurte her selfe.
    With the enemies of Poetrie, I care not if I haue a bout, and those are they that tearme our best Writers but babling Ballat-makers, holding them fantasticall fooles, that haue wit, but cannot tell how to vse it, my selfe haue beene so censured among some dul-headed Diuines: who deeme it no more cunning to wryte an exquisite Poem, than to preach pure Caluin, or distill the iustice of a Commentary in a quarter Sermon. Prooue it when you will, you slowe spirited Saturnists, that haue nothing but the pilfries of your penne, to pollish an exhortation withall: no eloquence but Tautologies, to tie the eares of your Auditorye vnto you: no inuention but heere is to bee noted, I stoale this note out of Beza or Marlorat: no wit to mooue, no passion to vrge, but onely an ordinarie forme of preaching, blowne vp by vse of often hearing and speaking: and you shall finde there goes more exquisite paines and puritie of witte, to the writing of one such rare Poem as Rosamond, than to a hundred of your dunsticall Sermons.
    Should we (as you) borrowe all out of others, and gather nothing of our selues, our names should bee baffuld on euerie Bookesellers Stall, and not a Chandlers Mustard-pot but would wipe his mouthe with our wast paper. Newe Herrings, new, wee must crye, euery time wee make our selues publique, or else we shall bee christened with a hundred new tytles of Idiotisme. Nor is Poetrie an Arte, whereof there is no Vse in a mans whole lyfe, but to describe discontented thoughts and youthfull desires: for there is no studie, but it dooth illustrate and beautifie. How admirablie shine these Diuines aboue the common mediocritie, that haue tasted the sweete springs of Pernassus?
    Siluer tongu'd Smith whose well tun'd stile hath made thy death the generall teares of
Encomium H. Smithi.
the Muses, queintlie couldst thou deuise heauenly Ditties to Apolloes Lute, and teach stately verse to trip it as smoothly, as if Ouid and thou had but one soule. Hence alone did it proceed, that thou wert such a plausible pulpit man that before thou entredst into the rough waies of Theologie, thou refinedst, preparedst, and purifiedst thy minde with sweete Poetrie. If a simple mans censure may be admitted to speake in such an open Theater of opinions, I neuer saw aboundant reading better mixt with delight, or sentences which no man can challenge of prophane affectation, sounding more melodious to the eare or piercing more deepe to the heart.
    To them that demaund what fruites the Poets of our time bring forth, or wherein they
The fruits of Poetry.
are able to proue themselues necessary to the state. Thus I answere. First and for most, they haue cleansed our language from barbarisme and made the vulgar sort here in London (which is the fountaine whose riuers flowe round about England) to aspire to a richer puritie of speach, than is communicated with the Comminaltie of any Nation vnder heauen. The vertuous by their praises they encourage to be more vertuous, to vicious men they are as infernall hags to haunt their ghosts with eternall infamie after death. The Souldier in hope to haue his high deeds celebrated by their pens, despiseth a whole Armie of perills, and acteth wonders exceeding all humane coniecture. Those that care neither for God nor the diuell, by their quills are keept in awe. Multi famam (saith one) pauci conscientiam verentur.
    Let God see what he will, they would be loath to haue the shame of the world. What age
Plin lib. 3.
will not praise immortal Sir Phillip Sidney, whom noble Salustius (that thrice singuler french Poet) hath famoused: together with Sir Nicholas Bacon Lord keeper, &am; merry sir Thomas Moore, for the chiefe pillers of our english speech. Not so much but Chaucers host, Baly in Southworke, & his wife of Bath he keepes such a stirre with, in his Canterbury tales, shalbe talkt of whilst the Bath is vsde, or there be euer a bad house in Southwork. Gentles, it is not your lay Chronigraphers, that write of nothing but Mayors and Sheriefs and the deare yeere, and the great
The dispraise of lay chronigraphers.
Frost, that can endowe your names with neuer dated glory: for they want the wings of choise words to fly to heauen, which we haue: they cannot sweeten a discourse, or wrest admiration from men reading, as we can: reporting the meanest accident. Poetry is the hunny of all flowers, the quintessence of all Sciences, the Marrowe of Witte, and the very Phrase of Angels: how much better is it then to haue an eligant Lawier to plead ones cause, than a strutting Townsman that loseth himselfe in his tale, and doth nothing but make legs: so much it is better for a Nobleman or Gentleman, to haue his honours story related, and his deedes emblazoned by a Poet, than a Citizen.
    Alas poore latinlesse Authors, they are so simple they know not what they doe; They no sooner spy a new Ballad, and his name to it that compiled it: but they put him in for one of the learned men of our time, I maruell how the Masterlesse men, that set vp their bills in Paules for seruices, & such as paste vp their papers on euery post, for Arithmetique and writing Schooles, scape eternity amongst them; I beleeue, both they and the Knight Marshals men, that naile vp Mandates at the Court gat, for annoying the pallace with filth or making water, if they set their names to the writing, will shortly make vp the number of the learned men of our time, and be as famous as the rest. For my part I do challenge no praise of learning to my selfe, yet haue I worne a gowne in the Vniuersitie, and so hath caret tempus non habet moribus: but this I dare presume that if any Mecænas binde me to him by his bounty or extend some sound liberalitie to mee worth the speaking of, I will doo him as much honour as any Poet of my beardlesse yeeres shall in England. Not that I am so confident what I can doe, but that I attribute so much to my thankfull minde aboue others, which I am perswaded would enable me to worke myracles.
    On the contrary side, if I bee euill intreated, or sent away with a Flea in mine eare, let him looke that I will raile on him soundly: not for an houre a day, whiles the iniury is fresh in my memory: but in some elaborate pollished Poem, which I will leaue to the world when I am dead, to be a liuing Image to all ages, of his beggerly parsimony and ignoble illiberalitie; and let him not (whatsoeuer he be) measure the weight of my words by this booke, where I write Quic quid in buccam venerit, as fast as my hand can trot: but I haue tearmes (if I be vext) laid in sleepe in Aquafortis, & Gunpowder, that shall rattle through the Skyes and make an Earthquake in a Pesants eares. Put case (since I am not yet out of the
I wold tell you in what book it is, but I am afraid it would make his booke sell in his later daies, which hetherto hath lien dead and beene a great losse to the Printer.
Theame of Wrath) that some tired Iade belonging to the Presse, whom I neuer wronged in my life; hath named me expressly in Print (as I will not do him) and accuse me of want of learning, vpbraiding me for reuiuing in an epistle of mine the reuerent memory of Sir Thomas Moore, Sir Iohn Cheeke, Doctor Watson, Doctor Haddon, Doctor Carre, Maister Ascham, as if they were no meate but for his Maisterships mouth, or none but some such as the son of a ropemaker were worthy to mention them. To shewe how I can raile, thus would I begin to raile on him. Thou that hadst thy hood turnd ouer thy eares when thou wert a Batchelor, for abusing of Aristotle, & setting him vpon the Schoole gates painted with Asses eares on his head: is it any discredit for me, thou great babound, thou Pigmie Braggart, thou Pamphleter of nothing but Peants, to bee censured by thee, that hast scorned the Prince of Philosophers; thou that in thy Dialogues soldst Huny for a halpeny, and the choycest Writers exant for cues a peece, that camest to the Logicke Schooles when thou
Looke at the Chandlers shop, or at the Flax-wiues stall, if you see no tow nor Sope wrapt vp in the title page of such a Pamphlet, as Incerti Authoris Io Pæn.
wert a Fresh-man, and writst phrases, off with thy gowne and vntrusse, for I meane to lash thee mightily. Thou has a Brother hast thou not, student in Almanackes, go too, Ile stand to it, fatherd one of thy bastards ( a booke I meane) which being one of thy begetting was set forth vnder his name.
    Gentlemen, I am sure you haue hearde of a ridiculous Asse that many yeares since sold lyes by the great, and wrote an absurd Astrologicall Discourse of the terrible Coniunction of Saturne and Iupiter, wherein (as if hee had lately cast the Heauens water, or beene at the anatomizing of the Skies intrailes in Surgeons hall) hee prophecieth of such strange wonders to ensue from stars destemperature, and the vnusuall adultrie of planets, as none but he that is Bawd to those celestiall bodies, could euer discry. What expectation there was of it both in towne and country, the amazement of those times may testifie: and the rather because he pawned his credit vpon it, in these expresse tearmes; If these things fall not out in euery point as I haue wrote, let me for euer heareafter loose the credit of my Astronimie. Well so it happened, that he happened not to be a man of his word; his Astronimie broke his day with his creditors and Saturne and Iupiter prou'd honester men then all the World
Which at home I wis, was worth a dozen of halters at least, for if I be not deceiued, his father was a Rope-maker.
tooke them for: whereupon, the poore Prognosticator was ready to runne himselfe through with his Iacobs Staffe, and cast himselfe headlong from the top of a Globe (as a mountaine) and breake his necke. The whole Vniuersitie hyst at him, Tarlton at the Theator made iests of him, and Elderton consumd his ale-crummed nose to nothing, in bearbayting him with whole bundles of ballets. Would you in likely reason gesse it were possible for any shame-swolne toad to haue the spet-proofe face to out liue this disgrace? It is deare breathren, Viuit imo viuit, and which is more, he is a Vicar.
    poore Salue, I pitie thee that thou hadst no more grace but to come in my way. Why, could not you haue sate quiet at home, and write Catechismes, but you must be comparing me to Martin? and exclayme against me for reckoning vp the high Schollers of worthy memory? Iupier ingeniis prabat sua numina vatum, saith Ouid: Seque celebrari quolibet ore sinit. Which if it be so, I hope I am Aliquis, and those me quos honoris causa nominaui, are not greater than gods. Me thinks I see thee stand quiuering and quaking, and euen now lift vp thy hands to heauen, as thanking God my choler is somewhat asswag'd: but thou art deceiued, for how euer I let fall my style a little to talke in reason with thee that hast none, I do not meane to let thee scape so.
    Thou hast wronged one for my sake (whom for the name I must loue) T.N. the maister butler of Pembrooke Hall, a farre better Scholler than thy selfe (in my iudgement) and one that sheweth more discretion and gouernment, in setting vp a sise of Bread, than thou in all thy whole book. Why man, thinke no scorne of him for he hath held thee vp a hundred times, whiles the Deane hath giuen thee correction, and thou hast capt and kneed him (when thou wert hungrie) for a chipping. But thats nothing, for hadst thou neuer beene beholding to him, nor holden vp by him, he hath a Beard that is a better Gentleman than all thy whole body, and a graue countenance like Cato, able to make thee run out of thy wits for feare, if he looke sternly vpon thee. I haue reade ouer thy Sheepish discourse of the Lambe of GOD and his enemies, and entreated my patience to be good to thee whilst I reade: but for all that I could doe with my selfe, (as I am sure I may doe as much as another man) I could not refraine, but bequeath it to the Priuie, leafe by leafe as I read it, it was so vgly, dorbellicall and lumpish. Monstrous, monstrous, and palpable, not to bee spoken of in a Christian Congregation: thou hast skumd ouer the Schoolemen, and of the froth of theyr folly, made a dish of diuinitie Brewesse, which the dogges will not eate. If the Printer haue any great dealings with thee, hee were best to get a priuiledge betimes, Ad imprimenaum solum,
His owne words.
forbidding all other to sell waste paper but himselfe, or else he will bee in a wofull taking. The Lambe of God make thee a wiser Bellweather then thou art, for else I doubt thou wilt be driuen to leaue all and fall to thy fathers occupation, which is, to goe and make a rope to hang thy selfe. Neque enim Lex æquior vlla est, quam necis artifices arte perire sua: and so I leaue thee till a better opportunity, to bee tomented world without end, of our Poets and Writers about London, whome thou hast called piperlye Make-playes and make-bates: not doubting but hee also whom thou tearmest the vaine Paphatchet, will haue a flurt at thee one day all ioyntly driuing thee to this issue, that thou shalt bee constrained to go to the chiefe Beame of thy Benefice, and there beginning a lamentable speech with cur scripsi, cur perii, end with parauum praua decent, iuuat inconcessa voluptas, and so with a trice, trusse vp thy life in the string of thy Sausebell. So be it, pray Pen, Incke and paper on their knees, that they may not bee troubled with thee any more.
    Redeo ad vos mei Auditores, haue I not a indifferent prittye vayne in Spurgalling an Asse? if you knew how extemporall it were at this instant, and with what hast it is writ you would say so. But I would not haue you thinke that all this that is set downe heere, is in good earnest, for then you goe by S. Gyles, the wrong way to Westminster: but onely to shewe howe for a neede I could rayle, if I were throughly fyred. So ho, Honiger Hammon, where are you all this while, I cannot be acquainted with you? Tell me what doe you thinke of the case, am I subiect to the sinne of Wrath I write against or no, in whetting my penne on this blocke. I know you would faine haue it so, but it shall not choose but be otherwise for this once. Come on let vs turne ouer a new leafe, and heare what Gluttonie can say for her selfe, for Wrath hath spet his poyson, and full platters doe well after extreame purging.

The complaint of Gluttonie.
T
 
HE Romaine Emperours that succeeded Augustus, were exceedingly giuen to this horrible vice, whereof some of them would feed on nothing but the tongues of Phesants and Nightingales: other, would spend as much at one banquet, as a kings reuenues came to in a yeare, whose excesse I would decypher at large, but that a new Laureat hath sau'd me the labor: who for a man that stands vpon paines and not wit, hath performd as much as any Storie dressed may doo, that sets a new English nap on an old latine Apothegs. It is enough for me to like dishes heere at home, though I feed not mine eyes at any of the Romane feasts. Much good doe it you Maister Diues heere in London: for you are he my pen meanes to dine withall. Miserere mei, what a fat churle it is? Why, he hath a belly as big as the round Church in Cambridge, a face as huge as the whole bodie of a base viall, and legs that if they were hollow, a man might keepe a mill in eyther of them. Experto credo Roberto, there is no mast like a Marchants table. Bona fide, it is a great misture, that we haue not men swine as well as beasts, for then we should haue porke that hath no more bones than a pudding, and a side of bacon that you might lay vnder your head in stead of a bolster.
    It is not for nothing, that other Countries whom we vpbraide with Drunkennesse, call
Nature, in England is but plaine Dame, but in Spaine and Italy (because they haue more vse of her than we) she is dubbed a Ladie.
vs bursten-bellied Gluttons: for wee make our greedie paunches powdring tubs of beefe, and eat more meate at one meale, than the Spaniard or Italian in a moneth. Good thrifty me[n], they draw out a dinner with sallets, like a Swart-rutters sute, and make Madona Nature their best Caterer. We must haue our Tables furnisht like Poulters stalls, or as though we were to victual Noahs Arke again (wherin there was al sorts of liuing creatures that euer were) or els the good-wife will not open her mouth to bid one welcome. A stranger that should come to one of our Magnificoes houses, when dinner were set on the boord, and he not yet set, would thinke the goodman of the house were a Haberdasher of Wildefowle, or a Merchant venturer of daintie meate, that sels commodities of good cheere by the great, and hath Factors in Arabia, Turkey, Egipt,and Barbarie, to prouide him of straunge Birdes, China Mustard, and odde patterns to make Custards by.
    Lord, what a coyle haue we with this Course and that course, remoouing this dish higher, setting another lower, and taking awaye the third. A Generall might in lesse space remooue his campe, than they stand disposing of their gluttonie. And whereto tends all this gurmandise, but to giue sleepe grosse humors to feede on, to corrupt the braine, and make it vnapt and vnweldie for any thing.
    The Romane Censors, if they lighted vpon a fat corpulent man, they straight tooke away his horsse, and constrained him to goe a foote: positiuely concluding, his carcasse was so puft vp with gluttonie or idlenesse. If we had such horse-takers amongst vs, and that surfit-swolne Churles, who now ride on their foot-cloathes, might be constrained to carrie their flesh budgets from place to place on foote, the price of veluet and cloath would fall with their belies, and the gentle craft (alias the red herrings kinsmen) get more and drinke lesse. Plenus venter nil agit libeter, & plures gula occidit quam gladius. It is as desperate a peece of seruice, to sleepe vpon a full stomacke, as it is to serue in face of the bullet: a man is but his breath, and that may as well be stopt by putting too much in his mouth at once, as running on the mouth of the cannon. That is verefied of vs, which Horace writes of an outragious eater in his time, Quicquid quæsierat ventri donabat auaro, Whatsoeuer he could rap or rend, he confiscated to his couetous gut. Nay, we are such flesh-eating Saracens, that chast fish may not content vs, but we delight in the murder of innocent mutton, in the vnpluming of pullerie, and quartering of Calues and Oxen. It is horrible and detestable, no godly Fishmonger that can digest it. Report (which our moderners clippe flundring Fame) puts me in memorie of a notable iest I heard long a goe of Doctor Watson, verye conducible to the reproofe of these fleshly minded Belials. He beeing
A rare wittie iest of Doctor Watson.


Or rather Belly-als, because all their minde is on their belly.
at supper on a fasting or fish night at least, with a great number of his friends and acquaintance, there chanced to be in the company an outlandish Doctor, who when all other fell to such victualls, (agreeing to the time) as were before them, he out stript them, and there being one ioynt of flesh on the table for such as had weake stomackes, fell freshly to it. After that hunger (halfe conquered) had restored him to the vse of his speach, for his excuse he said to his friend that brought him thither, Profecto Domine, ego sum malissimus piscator, meaning by piscator, a Fishman: (which is a liberty, as also malissimus, that outlandish men in theyr familiar talke do challenge, at least vse aboue vs,) At tu es bonissimus carnifex, quoth Doctor Watson, retorting very merily his owne licentious figures vpon him. So of vs it may be said we are Malissimi piscatores, but bonissimi carnifices. I would English the iest for the edification of the temporalite, but that it is not so good in English as in Latine: and though it were as good, it would not conuert clubs and clowted shoone from the flesh pots of Egipt, to the Prouant of the Lowe-countries, for they had rather (with the Seruingman) put vp a Supplication to the Parliament house, that they might haue a yard of pudding for a penie, than desire (with the Baker) there might bee three ounces of bread sold for a halfe penie.
    Alphonsus King Phillips Confessor, that came ouer with him to
The moderation of Fryar Alphonso, K. Philips Confessor.
England, was such a moderate man in his dyet, that hee would feed but once a day, and at that time he would feed so slenderly and sparingly, as scarce serued to keepe life and soule toghether, one night importunately inuited to a solemne banquet, for fashion sake, he sate downe among the rest, but by no entreatie could be drawne to eate any thing: at length fruite being set on the boord, he reacht an apple out of the dish, and put it in his pocket, which one marking, that sat right ouer against him, askt him, Domine cur es solicitus in crastinum? Sir, why are you carefull for the morrowe? Whereto he answered most soberly, Imo hoc facio mi amice, vt ne sim solicitus in crastinum: no, I doo it my friend, that I may not be carefull for the morrow: as though his appetite were a whole day contented with so little as an apple, and that it were enough to paye the morrowes tribute to Nature.
    Rare and worthy to be registred to all posterities, is the Countie Molines
The strange alteration of the Countie Molines, the Prince of Parmas Companion.
(sometime the Prince of Parmaes Companion) altred course of life, who being a man that liued in as great pompe and delicacie, as was possible for a man to doo, and one that wanted nothing but a kingdome that his heart could desire.Vpon a day entring into a deepe melancholy by himselfe, hee fell into a discoursiue consideration, what this worlde was, how vaine and transitory the pleasures thereof, and how manie times he had offended God by surfetting, gluttony, drunkennes, pride, whoredome and such like, and how hard it was for him that liu'd in that prosperitie that he did, not to bee entangled with those pleasures: whereupon he presently resolu'd twixt God and his owne conscience, to forsake it and al his allurements, and betake him to the seuerest forme of life vsed in their state. And with that cald all his Souldiers and acquaintance together, and making knowen his intent vnto them, he distributed his liuing and possessions (which were infinite) amongst the poorest of them: and hauing not left himselfe the worth of one farthing vnder heauen, betooke him to the most beggerly new erected order of the Fryer Capuchines. Their Institution is, that they shall possesse nothing whatsoeuer of their owne, more than the cloathes on their backes, continually go bare foote, weare haire shirts, and lie vpon the hard bords winter and summer time, they must haue no meate, nor aske any but what is giuen them voluntarily, nor must they lay vp from any meale but giue it to the poore, or els it is a great penaltie. In this seuere humilitie liues this deuout Countie, and hath done this tweluemonth submitting himselfe to all the base drudgery of the house, as fetching water, making cleane the rest of their chambers, as he is the Iunior of the order. O what a notable rebuke were his honourable Lowlines to succeeding pride, if this prostrate spirit of his were not the servaunt of Superstition: or hee mispent not his good workes on a wrong Faith.
    Let but our English belly-gods punish their pursie bodies with this strict penaunce, and professe Capuchinisme but one month, and Ile be their pledge they shall not grow so like dry-fats as they doo. O it will make them iolly long winded to trot vp and downe the Dorter staires, and the water-tankard wil keepe vnder the insurrection of their shoulders, the haire shirt will chase whordome out of their boanes, and the hard lodging on the boards take their flesh downe a button hole lower.
    But if they might be induced to distribute all their goods amongst the poore, it were to be hoped Saint Peter would let them dwell in the suburbes of heauen, whereas other wise they must keepe aloofe at Pancredge, and not come near the liberties by fiue leagues and aboue. It is your dooing (Diotrephes Diuell) that these stal-fed cormorants to damnation, must bung vp all the welth of the Land in their snaphaunce bags, and poore Scholers and Souldiers wander in backe lanes, and the out-shiftes of the Citie, with neuer a rag to their backes, but our trust is, that by some intemperance or other, you will turne vp their heeles one of these yeares together, and prouide them of such vnthrifts to their
The complaint of drunkennes.

Drinking super nagulum, a deuise of drinking new come out of Fraunce; which is, after a man hath turnd vp the bottom of the cup, to drop it on his naile & make a pearle with that is left, which, if it shed & he cannot make stand on, by reason thers too much, he must drinke againe for his pennance.
heires, as shall spend in one week amongst good fellowes, what they got by extortion and oppression from Gentlemen all their life time.

F
 
ROM Gluttony in meates, let me discend to superfluitie in drinke: a sinne, that euer since we haue mixt our selues with the Low-countries, is counted honourable: but before we knew their lingring warres, was held in that highest degree of hatred that might be. Then if we had seene a man goe wallowing in the streetes, or line sleeping vnder the boord, we would haue spet at him as a toade, and cald him foule drunken swine, and warnd al our friends out of his company: now he is no body that cannot drinke super nagulum, carouse the Hunters hoop, quaffe vpsey freze crosse, with healthes, gloues, mumpes, frolickes, and a thousand such dominiering inuentions. He is reputed a pesaunt and a boore that wil not take his licour profoundly. And you shall heare a Caualier of the first feather, a princockes that was but a Page the other day in the Court, and now is all to be frenchified in his Souldiers sute, stand vppon termes with Gods wounds you dishonour me sir, you do me the disgrace if you do not pledge me as much as I drunke to you: and in the midst of his cups stand vaunting his manhood: beginning euerie sentence, with when I first bore Armes, when he neuer bare any thing but his Lords rapier after him in his life. I haue beene ouer and visited a towne of Garrison as a trauailer or passenger, he hath as great experience as the greatest Commander and chiefe Leader in England. A mightie deformer of mens manners and features, is this vnnecessary vice of all other. Let him bee indued with neuer so many vertues, and haue as much goodly proportion and fauour as nature can bestow vppon a man: yet if hee be thirstie after his owne destruction, and hath no ioy nor comfort, but when he is drowning his soule in a gallon pot, that one beastly imperfection, will vtterlie obscure all that is commendable in him: and all his good qualities sinke like lead down to the bottome of his carrowsing cups, where they will lie like lees and dregges, dead and vnregarded of any man.
    Clim of the clough, thou that vsest to drinke nothing but scalding lead and sulpher in hell, thou art not so greedie of thy night gaere. O, but thou hast a foule swallow, if it come once to carousing of humane bloud, but thats but seldome once in a seauen yeare, when theres a great execution, otherwise thou art tide at rack and manger, and drinkest nothing but the Aqua vitæ of vengeance all thy life time. The Prouerbe giues it forth, thou art a knaue, and therefore I haue more hope thou art some manner of good fellowe: let mee intreate thee (since thou hast other iniquities inough to circumuent vs
King Edgars ordinance against drinking.
withall) to wipe this sin out of the catalogue of thy subtilties; helpe to blast the Vines that they may beare no more grapes, and sowre the wines in the cellars of Marchants storehouses, that our Countrey-men may not pisse out all their witte and thrift against the walles. King Edgar, because his subiects should not offend in swilling and bibbing, as they did, caused certaine yron-cups to be chained to euery fountaine and wells side, and at euery Vintners doore, with yron pinnes in them, to stinte euery man how much he should drinke: and he that went beyond one of those pinnes forfeited a penny for euery draught. And if Stories were well searcht, I beleeue hoopes in quart pots were inuented to that ende, that euery man should take his hoope, and no more. I haue heard it iustified for a trueth by great Personages, that the olde Marquesse of Pisana (who yet Liues) drinkes not once in seauen yeare: and I haue read of one Andron of
The woderful abstinence of the Marques of Pisana, yet liuing.
Argos, that was so seldome thirstie, that he trauailed ouer the hote burning sands of Lybia, and neuer dranke. Then why should our colde Clime bring foorth such fierie throates. Are we more thirstie than Spaine and Italy where the Sunnes force is doubled? The Germaines and lowe Dutch, me thinkes should bee continually kept moyst with the foggie aire and stinking mistes that arise out of their fennie soyle: but as their Countrey is ouer-flowen with water, so are their heads alwaies ouer-flowen with wine, and in their bellies they haue standing quag-mires and bogs of English beere.
    One of their breede it was that writ the Booke De Arte bibendi: a worshipfull
The priuat lawes amongst drunkards.
treatise, fitte for none but Silenus and his Asse to set forth: besides that volume, we haue generall rules and iniunctions, as good as printed precepts, or Statutes set downe by Acte of Parliament that goe from drunkard to drunkard: as still to keepe your first man, not to leaue any flockes in the bottome of the cup, to knock the glasse on your thumbe when you haue done, to haue some shooing horne to pul on your wine, as a rasher of the coles, or a redde herring, to stirre it about with a candles ende to make it taste better, and not to holde your peace while the pot is stirring.
    Nor haue we one or two kinde of drunkards onely, but eight kindes. The first is Ape
The eight kinds of drunkennesse.
drunke, and he leapes, and sings, and hollowes, and daunceth for the heauens: the second is Lion drunke, and he flings the pots about the house, calls his Hostesse whore, breakes the glasse windowes with his dagger, and is apt to quarrel with any man that speaks to him: the third is Swine drunke, heauy, lumpish, and sleepie, and cries for a little more drinke, and a fewe more cloathes: the fourth is Sheepe drunke, wise in his owne conceipt, when he cannot bring foorth a right word, the fifth is Mawdlen drunke, when a fellowe will weepe for kindnes in the midst of his Ale, and kisse you, saying; by God Captaine I loue thee, goe thy waies thou dost not thinke so often of me as I do of thee, I would (if it pleased GOD) I could not loue thee so well as I doo, and then he puts his finger in his eie, and cries: the sixt is Martin drunke, when a man is drunke and drinkes himselfe sober ere he stirre: the seauenth is Goate drunke, when in his drunkennes he hath no minde but on Lechery: the eighth is Foxe drunke, when he is craftie drunke, as many of the Dutch men bee, will neuer bargaine but when they are drunke. All these Species and more I haue seene practised in one Company at one sitting, when I haue beene permitted to remaine sober amongst them, onely to note their seuerall humors. Hee that plies any one of them harde, it will make him to write admirable verses, to haue a deepe casting head, though hee were neuer so verie a Dunce before.
    Gentlemen, all you that will not haue your braines twise sodden, your flesh rotten with
The discommodities of drunkennesse.
the Dropsie, that loue not to goe in greasie dublets, stockings out at the heeles, and weare alehouse daggers at your backes, forsweare this slauering brauery, that will make you haue stinking breathes, and your bodies smell like Brewers aprons: rather keepe a snuffe in the bottome of the glasse to light you to bed withall, than leaue neuer an eye in your head to lead you ouer the threshould. It will bring you in your olde age to be companions with none but Porters and Car-men, to talke out of a Cage, railing as drunken men are wont, a hundred bodies wondering about them; and to die sodainly as Ful Long the Fencer did, drinking Aqua vitæ. From which (as all the rest) good Lord deliuer Pierce Penilesse.

T
 
HE nurse of this
The complaint of Sloth.
emormitie (as of all euills) is Idleness or sloth, which hauing no painfull Prouince to set himselfe a worke, runnes headlong with the raines in his owne hand into all lasciuiousnesse and sensualitie that may be. Men when they are idle, and know not what to do, saith one let vs goe to the Stilliard and drinke Rhenish wine. Nay, if a man knew where a good whorhouse were saith another, it were something like. Nay saith the third, let vs goe to a dicing-house or a bowling alley, and there we shall haue some sport for our money. To one of these three, (at hand quoth pick-purse) your euill Angel-ship maister mani-headed beast conducts them, Vbi quid agitur betwixt you and their soules be it, for I am no Drawer, Box-keeper, or Pander, to be priuie to their sports. If I were to paint Sloth, (as I am not seene in the sweetening) by Saint Iohn the Euangelist I sweare, I would draw it like a Stationer that I knowe, with his thumb vnder his girdle, who if a man come to his stall and aske him for a booke, neuer stirs his head, or looks upon him, but stands stone still, and speakes not a word: onely with his little finger points backwards to his boy, who must be his interpreter, and so all the day gaping like a dumbe image he sits without motion, except at such times as he goes to dinner or supper: for then he is as quicke as other three, eating sixe times euery day. If I would
Vidilicet, before, he come out of his bed, then a set breakfast, then dinner, then afternoons nunchings, a supper and a rere-supper.



Which is better of the idle glutton, or vagrant vnthrift.
raunge abroad, and looke in at sluggards key holes, I should finde a number lying a bed to saue charges of ordinaries, in winter when they want firing, losing halfe a weeks Commons together, to keepe them warme in the linnen. And hold you content, this Summer an vnder-meale of an afternoone long doth not amisse to exercise the eies withall. Fat men and Farmers sonnes that sweate much with eating harde cheese and drinking olde wine, must haue some more ease than yoong boyes that take their pleasure all day running vp and downe.
    Setting iesting a side, I hold it a great disputable question which is a more euill man, of him that is an idle glutton at home, or a retchlesse vnthrift abroad? The glutton at home doth nothing but engender diseases, pamper his flesh vnto lust, and is good for none but his owne gut: the vnthrift abroad exerciseth his bodie at dauncing schoole, fence schoole, tennis, and all such recreations: the vintners, the victuallers, the dicing houses, and who not, get by him. Suppose he lose a little now and then at play, it teacheth him wit: and how should a man know to eschew vices, if his own experience did not acquaint him with their inconueniences? Omne ignotum pro magnifico est: that villany we haue made no assaies in, we admire. Besides, my vagrant Reueller haunts Plaies, & sharpens his wits with frequenting the company of Poets; he emboldens his blushing face by courting faire women on the sodaine, and looke into all Estates, by conuersing w