Commentary

Block the Vote

Whatever you do, do not vote in the ASUO Elections. We're not kidding around here.

"I don't vote. There are people out there that'll tell you that if you don't vote then you have no reason to complain. If YOU vote then YOU have no reason to complain. You're the one who elected these morons into office, you're the one who helped screw everything up so you have no reason to complain. You made this mess, not me."

-George Carlin

So are you all geared up for the upcoming ASUO Elections? Are you giddy with a sense of eagerness that in a few short days you'll be able to rush to the polls and "exercise your voice in campus politics?" Or are you instead like 96 percent of your peers, too busy sucking on the smoky end of a murky Rainbow Brite bong to concern yourself with anything "political," let alone more pressing matters like laundry and defecation?

Figures. You can stop reading this now. But if you think there's any chance that you might actually lower yourself to democratic participation, keep reading.

Currently there is a link in ASUO's online voter's guide titled "What Elections?" Doesn't that just about say it all?

There are only four people on this campus that have any reason to care about the upcoming Executive primaries; their names are C.J., Peter, Jay and Holly. And do you really think they're kept awake at night by such issues as diversity or lighting on campus or whatever else they've printed on the little neon flyers their Greek minions have wallpapered the campus with?

Sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but they all have their eyes on that nifty $400 per month stipend, and are only interested in what this all might look like on a future resume. Just like all the big boys and girls out in there in real politics, they couldn't care less about you or your concerns. Once elected, the only thing they'll focus on is avoiding anything that might cause them to lose this future reference. Buzzwords like "diversity," and "tuition-freeze" will flee from their swelling heads faster than Andy Dick from a car accident.

Don't believe it? Besides occasionally getting their names mentioned in Emerald articles titled "ASUO Exec. Praises Campus Blood Drive," can you think of any presidential administration in the last couple of years that has contributed anything to this campus besides insipid headlines and costly amphitheaters? Can you conjure anything Wylie and Mitra have actually accomplished this year besides getting their pictures taken with Johnny Kitzhaber? Didn't think so.

When people who actually care about a campus issue are elected to the executive office, their efforts are quickly reduced to a Scott Austin wet dream. Take last year's epic Wortman/Cowling/OSPIRG debacle. For those of you just joining us, the last year's Executive made headlines with their disreputable and unconstitutional special election, engineered solely for the purpose of OSPIRG's refunding.

Perhaps it is for the best the ASUO now tends to concern itself with figuring out the hidden words in Jumble than things like "relevant issues," "student empowerment," or "making any discernable effort to earn their salaries."

This year's execs and those after them have learned and will learn respectively from the mistakes of Geneva and Morgan. It's best to lay low during your presidential stint and avoid interacting with your constituency at all costs. The new mantra of the ASUO Kremlin is: If you want to keep getting that stipend, you've got to hide in Suite Four like a groundhog, only popping your head out once a term for more Doritos. And if anyone asks your opinion on any relevant issue, run away real fast.

Will the 2000-01 administration be any different? Will Jay, if elected, magically "improve diversity on campus" or "build school spirit by finally convincing Dave Matthews Band to play a show in the amphitheater"? Will C.J., after entering office keep giving you free coffee and donuts? Of course not. Anyone capable of coughing up positive change on this campus knows better than to involve themselves with something as tumultuous, tedious and soul crushing as campus politics. They are well aware of the lethargy and laziness that hangs over every single desk in Suite Four like a transparent fog.

Nothing you, the potential voter, can do will change the inevitability of yet another lackluster administration, nor derail the fact the Exec will blow $222,197 in incidental fees to accomplish little more than absolutely nothing.

Just like last year and all the years and decades before, the candidate(s) with the most 11 x 17 posters and super-cute Greeks petitioning passersby on the street will win this thing. Just like last year, campaign grievances will stack up and quickly be forgotten. Just like last year, the elections will be over before they've even begun.

Your concerns, your "voice" and your vote don't matter, especially when every serious candidate in the running is only interested in padding a future resume. Why bother filling out a ballot if there's no one on it worth voting for? Why waste your time? Why not instead hijack a private jet, head on over to the Luxor in Vegas, order a whole bunch of hot-wings, stiff the bastards on the bill, fly back to Eugene and crash the damned thing into the EMU, spilling flaming shrapnel, your detached limbs and super spicy hot-wings all over the Fishbowl? Now doesn't that sound like more fun than voting in some silly election?

So if you're considering voting this year, don't. If you really want to express your "voice in campus politics," keep your mouth shut. On election day as you walk down 13th street and find yourself accosted by a thousand smiling faces bearing flyers and several dozen Greeks clad in chimp costumes, quicken your pace and carefully shield your indifference behind a fierce scowl. Practice the scowl in the mirror before heading outside. You'll want it just right. Pure, jaded apathy won't break your heart like voting in this year's ASUO Elections, and it'll respect you the morning after.

Brandon Hartley, a junior majoring in English, is an Associate Editor for the Oregon Commentator