Editorial
To assess this year's candidates, the Commentator employed a battery of critical analyses and acid tests, not to mention several cases of Hamms. Great pains were taken to ensure total objectivity in putting together our...
2000 ASUO Executive Endorsements
The Players:
% All these people are idiots
% Daniel Atkinson
% Scott Austin
% Jay Breslow / Holly Magner
% Autumn DePoe/Caitlin Upshaw
% C.J. Gabbe / Peter Larson
% Joel Rueber
How we arrived at our conclusions:
I. The Dane Method
First, the Oregon Commentator editorial board took a pack of Great Danes and the Dane Himself, UO Ducks backup (read: only when all other reserves have already fouled out) center Chris Christofferson over to South Eugene High and assigned each a candidate name. The order in which each candidate/beast located the small pyramid of Hamms in the middle of the parking lot was carefully recorded and thoughtfully considered. Scott Austin, a six-year old female, scored quite well, while Joel Rueber, a 7'2" former water polo star, ranked a distant seventh. [Note to SETA: We have signed affidavits from each of the canines stating that they were not harmed or exploited in any way. Mr. Christofferson, however, lost his on the way to class.]II. The Acid Test
Several sheets of blotter acid were distributed free of charge to freshmen in the Bean Complex by a twentysomething Eugene resident with dreadlocks, Birkenstocks, and a suspicious odor. Each square bore the face of an individual Exec ticket (hey, at least the PFC granted us our requested budget increase). That evening, we made a series of calls around the dorms to assess the damage. Gabbe/Larson, perhaps unexpectedly, finished head and shoulders above the rest, causing an unprecedented number of psychotic breakdowns. DePoe/Upshaw, by contrast, could be traced to only a handful of unpleasant side effects, and most ended up staring endlessly at the Knight Law Building until OPS moved them along.III. The Hat Method
Some credence was given to each candidate's background in the ASUO, previous experience, record of conduct, and position on student issues. However, in the interests of meeting the deadline, the best way to adjudicate these factors was to pull the candidates' names out of a hat. Breslow/Manger clearly prevailed, since their ticket was the first to be pulled from the PepsiOne promotional baseball cap. Mr. Atkinson was disqualified on account of the editorial board's neglect to write his name down on a piece of paper and include it in the first place. Mr. Atkinson has no one to blame but himself.IV. THE DECISION
After much deliberation, Scott Austin was the unanimous choice of the
editorial board for the ASUO Executive. While he has his notoriety among
certain circles in the ASUO, there are a couple of solid reasons to vote
for him. For one, it's a safe bet that he would actually dismantle student
government, something that should have been done a long time ago. Second,
as the picture at right demonstrates, despite being a self-proclaimed
born-again Christian and social conservative, Austin clearly has a sense
of humor and is secure in his own sexuality. For these reasons and more,
the Oregon Commentator is confident that Scott Austin has the qualities
and characteristics necessary to deserve your vote for the ASUO Executive.