The Conspiracy Unfolds

A series of troubling events raise questions about a clandestine operation to silence the only bi-weekly publication on campus. Who could be responsible?

11:00 AM, Monday January 3rd Newspaper boxes belonging to the Commentator are discovered missing by OC Editor-in-Chief William Beutler. Lying in their places next to the kiosk and across from the Bookstore are patches of dried, crusty rust. The boxes are later discovered deep within the bowels of a warehouse near the Mill Race. Still recovering from this traumatic incident, the boxes have yet to return to their respective posts along 13th Avenue.

10 AM, Thursday January 27th
Beutler is shocked to discover a mysterious plot to hack into ASUO President Wylie Chen's email account. The individual(s) involved intended to send a prank email from "Chen" to the Commentator regarding a suspension of the magazine's budget. Emerald reporters (three dispatched, by the bloody end of it) arrive on the scene hours later, only to decide that the story is far too insipid to grace the pages of their illustrious publication. The next day an advertisement for "Cynthia's Sex Emporium" is printed in its place.

1 PM, Friday January 28th
OC Publisher Andy Combs discovers a bike lock attached to the door of a Commentator distribution box located in the EMU breezeway. Investigating further he realizes the lock is merely hung over the handle of the door and tosses it at a small child in the EMU Day Care Center. Emerald reporters arrive on the scene hours later, only to decide that the story is far too insipid to grace the pages of their spellbinding publication. The following Monday an advertisement for "Exclusively Adult" is printed in its place.

9 PM, Friday January 28th
Sleeping fitfully on the Commentator's beloved couch, former OC Managing Editor Daniel Atkinson is suddenly awakened by the shouting of two suspicious individuals outside.

"Where's the hell's the bathroom?" one hollers. "Screw it, I'm pissin' right here," the second announces. Assuming that these two voices are merely the delayed mental byproducts of a two-week bender, Atkinson returns to sleep, unaware that someone is indeed urinating practically on top of him. Hours later he would awake to find a puddle of urine all over the Commentator's door. It would take him only minutes to realize that the fumes of this puddle were capable of inducing an effect similar to that of Ecstasy.

Are these four incidents a mere coincidence, a simple twist of fate? Or are they a part of something larger and much more dastardly? Could they be apart of a vast conspiracy to bring this "conservative journal of opinion" to its knees? Urine, bike locks, missing newspaper boxes and prank emails-what sort of diabolical mind could be behind all of this? What shameless minion that stands for all that is evil, and cruel and unjust in this world can be held accountable for these tragedies of late?

Available evidence indicates that Steven Sawada, Oregon Voice Associate Editor and KWVA Promotions Director, may be involved. Consider the evidence:

1. For years the Oregon Voice and the Commentator have been entangled in a bitter Cold War. In the 1999 "Hack Attack" issue of the Commentator, one article lambasted Sawada for his OV article "Round Table of Love."
2. Being a student on campus, Sawada has access to the Computing Center where he could have easily hacked into poor Wylie's email account.
3. Steven Sawada likely owns a bicycle, and therefore, probably a bike lock.
4. The mysterious individuals overheard outside the Commentator door on the night of January 28th had clearly come from a rave in EMU ballroom upstairs - a rave organized single-handedly by Sawada himself! 5. Some guy is responsible for the puddle of urine. Steven Sawada is some guy.

Even if we are wrong and the William's Bakery Company really is behind all this, we're big enough to bury the hatchet. Are you? Addendum: A drug-free rave? Surely you jest. Even if it was wink-wink, "drug-free," the idea still sucks. What's the matter with you?

Brandon Hartley, a junior majoring in English, is a frequent guest on Art Bell Coast to Coast