Spew
On Case in Point
There are a lot of professors who would rather not have to deal with their students personally, and they use their GTF's as filters.--Professor Carl Woideck, speaking to his History of Jazz students.
If you have any questions about your grade, please talk to your GTF before talking to me, because he's the one who actually graded your paper.
--Woideck again, several weeks later. No comment, Carl.
On Helter Skelter
If I was a racist, would I want a black guy living in my house and would I invite him to come to my house? I did that three times over.--Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker, defending his recent tirade against the citizens of New York City on 20/20. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times...
On Terms We Can Relate To
Augustine was quite the horndog. His lust was like, um, an addiction to crack, and by doing all this crack, by removing this veil from the world, he was brought closer to God.--Prof. Freinkel, in ENG 431.
Crack, sex, chocolate, friendship, love, nobility: everything we think of as good.
--Freinkel, again. Replace the chocolate, friendship, love and nobility with booze, guns, cigarettes and booze, and she's right on the money.
On Real Problems
But what happens if the real Messiah puts in an appearance? It would be highly likely He would be deemed insane. For the authorities this is a pressing dilemma.--From a pre-millennial BBC News report from Jerusalem. David Koresh. You missed Him. For the authorities, it was pretty cut and dried.
On Better Luck Next Time
After a great deal of consideration, we've decided on another candidtate [sic] for the position of Executive Editor... I appreciate some of your suggestions and hope you find a forum that better suits your talents.--Oregon Voice Publisher Niki Stojnic in a rejection letter to OC Associate Editor Brandon Hartley, onetime hopeful OV Chief. Mr. Hartley's application included such suggestions as "More poop jokes." Their loss.
On A Step in the Right Direction
Henceforth, it shall be the policy of the state to prevent the procreation of idiots, imbeciles, feeble-minded or insane persons, when public welfare can be improved by voluntary sterilization.Vermont Law No. 174, 1931.
The arena of politics is not my forte.
--From Scott Shoji's resignation letter to the Student Senate. Okay, so we're not all the way there. One admission, seventeen left to go.
On Penguins
Oil Slick Ravishes Small Penguins-Associated Press. Insert pedobestial lubricant joke here.
On Lying to Yourself
But of all places to be on this historic and ultimately incredible occasion, sitting in front of the TV sounded about the lamest. It turned out to be one of the best.From the Jan. 5 Emerald Perspectives, justifying the author's New Year's Eve plans. Uh, no...that's still pretty lame.