Nobody Asked Us...

Here Comes the Healing

On the evening Friday November 12th, two intrepid OC editors inadvertently stumbled across the true face of terror whilst returning from a nearby Fred Meyer. After successfully acquiring limes, furnace liners and asthma medication, the two passed by a sign outside the Lighthouse Temple in East Eugene proclaiming that MC Hammer himself would be preaching that same evening at 7:30 PM.

With nary a moment lost, these two wandered in and immediately found themselves overwhelmed by the impassioned fury of 1,000+ rabid Christians eagerly anticipating the arrival of "The Hammer." Neither can fully recall the horrors which would occur during the course of that "faithful" evening, but one would later claim that his cohort, after being forced to endure several hours of televangical money-grubbing and mind-numbing sing-along,s voluntarily approached the altar and was personally converted to Christianity by Mr. Hammer himself.

Since accepting the Lord Jesus Christ into his heart, this poor soul, once 1/16 Jewish, has never been the same. Donations of "Big Buns" subscriptions and tickets to Black Sabbath's upcoming New Years melee may be donated to the Save the OC Fund (just slip Tem under the Commentator door, por favor). Let this be a lesson to you all. Christianity is nothing to screw around with.

Farewell, Sweet Princess

The OC staff is taking the resignation of University of Oregon volleyball coach Cathy Nelson very hard. Her impressive numbers over her last five seasons with the Ducks are surely going to be missed. Her tenacity and winning spirit led the Ducks volleyball team to a jaw-dropping 43-105 record. FYI: By "miss" we mean miss making fun of and by "impressive numbers" we mean impressive that she was not fired years ago.

Being 1-17 in the Pac-10 is no mean feat, but with a team going on nine seasons without finishing above .500, sheUs had practice. At least the University Administration is consistent with hiring bad coaches as well as bad professors.

Viva La Capitalism?

As you read this, 100,000 protesters are clogging the streets of downtown Seattle, irritating pedestrians and foreign dignitaries alike. Or maybe they aren't. What if, as we speak, they've wandered away from the police barricades outside the WTO Conference? What if they've abandoned their idealistic opinions on world trade and have decided that their time is better spent at Old Navy? What if they've decided to down a bottle of horse tranquilizers and catch a screening of "End of Days" down at Paul Allen's newly remodeled Cinerama? What if they've lost the gravel in their guts and spit in their eyes? What if they've thrown themselves into Puget Sound in order to silence the furious hell screams of their nagging morals? What if? What if?

Well, then capitalism has won the day. Hooray for capitalism!