Feature

Any Porter in a Storm

The 1999 OC Survival Guide

According to Time Magazine, roughly 84% of incoming freshman will return to the University of Oregon for their sophomore year of college. A mere 35% will actually graduate in four years. Will you be among them? Not unless you memorize every nugget of advice we've got for you.

Every year the Commentator prints a Survival Guide offering freshman advice on how to successfully adjust to college life-you know, how to get your blackhead-encrusted hands on beer without bothering that creepy 27-year old grad student down the hall. Presented here are easy-to-follow instructions on how to excel not only in beer buying, but in each corner of the holy trinity of college survival: alcohol, academic dishonesty and finances. Heed our advice and it'll be smoooooth sailing for the next four years. Within a week you might even be able to grow facial hair.

Trust us.

Part 1: Alky-hol and how to get it

Plan A

STEP 2.
Take cover in the shadows behind the store until a cop cruiser (preferably one with a K9 unit in the backseat) pulls up.

STEP 3.
While the police slowly gather together hordes of stale coffee and Hostess Fruit Pies, split your forces into two groups: Echo Squadron and Yahoo Altavista 1.

STEP 4.
Yahoo Altavista 1: Head to the back and fill the pockets of your $78 Abercrombie & Fitch shorts with 32 ouncers of High Life and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Why steal expensive beer when you can drink the same stuff that bums across the nation swear by? Echo Squadron: Linger in the Frito aisle and wait for the signal

STEP 5.
Yahoo Altavista 1: Bumrush the door and begin shouting "Fuck you, you capitalist swine, this inexpensive beer now belongs to the Che Reich! !Viva la revolucion!" Echo Squadron:: Distract both the police and the clerk behind the counter by dropping your pants and frantically waving your genitals in the air

STEP 6.
Yahoo Altavista 1: Head for the rendezvous point outside Mac Court, making sure to sneakily utilize all available sewers and alleyways while humming the theme song to Hawaii 5-0. Echo Squadron: Flee the store and drop the goldfish on your way out. The police will attempt to pursue, only to slip on the goldfish `ala Police Academy 12: Michael Winslow Impersonates a Lawnmower for Two Hours.

STEP 7.
Regroup both squadrons at the rendezvous point, pop back a cold one and briefly reflect on a job well done.

STEP 8.
Stagger back to the dorms, tunelessly shouting the lyrics to the second act of "Les Miserables." We're not quite sure where the GI Joe walkie-talkies work into all this, but they should come in handy somewhere along the line. Anyway, this plan is 100% guaranteed to work, honest!

Plan B (version 2.015)

STEP 2.
Get a double-barreled shotgun, a pair of smudged Ray-Bans and a long trench coat `ala Columbine.

STEP 3.
Head on over to Circle K.

STEP 4.
Grab a couple sixers of Saxer Bock and lurch on up to the counter

STEP 5.
When the clerk asks for your ID, put on your best Dirty Harry/ Terminator/ Detective John McClaine impersonation and gruffly respond, "You want my ID? well, all right."

STEP 5.2.
Reach into your pocket and throw your fakey at the clerk.

STEP 6.
After the clerk refuses to accept your ID, pull out the shotgun and shove it in their stomach. Begin shouting, "Will this ID do, bitch?" (replace "bitch" with "cocksucker" if the clerk happens to be male)

STEP 7.
Politely request that the clerk to drop to their knees and beg for your mercy.

STEP 1,816.
Toy with the clerk for a while and patiently wait for him/ her to begin sobbing. Kill time by flipping through a copy of Hot Buns. After he/ she begins tugging at the cuff of your pants in sheer terror, toss the shotgun onto the counter and begin chuckling. Dry your tears of laughter and say, "Shit man, I was just fooling around. Don't get so emotional."

STEP 9.
Help the clerk up and give him/ her a big ol' teddy bear hug.

STEP 10.
Make small talk for a few minutes. Possible topics of discussion: baseball, the weather and the stunning lack of quality Arabic porn in the Eugene area. When the conversation hits a lull offer to clean out the Slushy machine.

STEP 67.
Pick up your beer and quietly exit the store, making sure to blow kisses at the security camera on the way out. The odds of this plan going off flawlessly are only 90%. Sorry.

Academic (Piss)Honesty

The Eleven Best Ways to Get on your Professor's "Good Side:"

11. Fellatio!

10. Bring a box of Animal Crackers to lecture. Line up all the animals in neat rows on your desk. As you eat them, pretend that they're pleading for their lives. Laugh maniacally at their pleas. When the professor stops the lecture and asks you to quiet down, scream, "no Moses, I will not let your people go!"

9. In the middle of lecture remove a small bowl from your backpack. Drop your pants and defecate into it. Add some urine for consistency and a little vomit for texture. Begin eating the revolting mess. Offer your professor a bite.

8. Follow your professor home. Set up a tent in their driveway, and spend your days sifting through his/ her trash and performing wheelies on a dirtbike. When they finally ask you to leave, introduce yourself and tell them what class you're in. Then, before breaking camp, saunter over to the gas tank on ;their BMW and fill it full of powdered sugar and broken glass.

7. Wait outside your lecture hall and wait for your professor to show up for class. Stop them and begin asking them incredibly obvious questions about the syllabus, such as "what's a syllabus?" and "do we actually have to read the required reading?" (There's a student in ENG. 315 that swears by this method)

6 Attend office hours. Remove a portable stereo and a copy of GWAR's "Phallus in Wonderland." Put the volume on max. As other students wander in, demand that they pledge their allegiance to GWAR's intergalactic empire. If they refuse, remind them that GWAR's legion of space pirates will eat their entrails when they finally decide to put down their instruments and get serious about their plans for world domination.

5. Fellatio!

4. In the middle of a random lecture, pull a syringe and a small baggy of uncut heroin out of your backpack. Shoot up and begin moaning in ecstasy. Offer your professor some.

3. In the middle of a random lecture, remove a small baggy filled with horse tranquilizers from your backpack. Pop a couple and back clutching your chest. After the intense heart palpitations subside, offer your professor some.

2. Get pregnant. Even if you're a guy, get pregnant. Wait until the third trimester and walk into your lecture both late and stark raving nude. Begin speaking in tongues and waving your arms in the air. Chase your professor around the hallway while screaming like a rabid penguin. (see for the Oprah Winfrey's film version of Beloved for further pointers)

1. Fellatio!

D's Earn Degrees (unless you're an English major)

So cheat, already. What? You want some advice on how to go about it? What do we look like, the masters in the art of scholastic deception? We don't owe you anything, mister. Learn how to cheat your way through college on your own. What, do you think this is an advice column or something? Oh yeah. Never mind. Let's move on.

Money

What to Do When You Suddenly Come to the Abrupt Realization that You've Spent all of Yours on Pot and Those Trendy Cotton Tapestries That Some Hippie Guy's Always Selling on the Lawn Outside the Collier House. Hmmm, this Subhead is Awfully Long. Maybe I Should Stop Typing. Yeah, That's Probably a Good Idea.

oSell blood, and lots of it.

oStart up your own illegal baby-trading ring.

oInvest the rest of your savings in Video Poker and scratch-off tickets.

oParticipate in the Walk for Breast Cancer and keep all your pledges.

oSteal stoplights and sell them for scrap iron.

oSell sperm.

oGet a degrading job in the Carson cafeteria where you'll spend five hours a day getting laughed at by all your fellow dormrats.

oStand on a street corner next to a portable radio while holding a sign that sez, "I'm playing the radio, now gimme some money."

oRoot through campus trash containers in search of all those pop cans that lazy students just throw away, only to quickly realize every single homeless person in the city has already taken them all.

oMake tiny sculptures out of your boogers and try to sell them at the Street Fair.

oSell off all your internal organs (who needs a pancreas, anyway?).

oBeg your 15 year old brother for money since he's pulling in a grand a week selling 'shrooms to fifth graders and has nothing better to do with his disposable income than to blow it all on Pokemon cards.

oFill up empty bottles of Henry's with your own urine and sell them to unsuspecting kids over in the Bean complex.

oBuild a robot and program it to go rob banks for you.

oSteal a handful of Frog's lame-ass joke books and sell them at reduced price.

oBecome an accountant for a jet-set millionaire, wait until the right moment, then kill him and take over his identity.

oGather together a bunch of highly-trained German terrorists, one of whom just so happens to a be a popular ballet dancer that will later die of AIDS, take over the fictional Nagasaki Towers in LA and make off with $60 million in stock only to be finally to be later foiled by a tough-as-nails cop from New York.

oGather together a bunch of highly-trained Russian terrorists, hijack the Dulles International Airport in Washington DC and demand both a fat ransom and the release of a drug baron being extradited to America for trial only to be later foiled by the same tough-as-nails cop from New York .

oGather together a DIFFERENT group of highly-trained German terrorists, terrorize New York City with a collection of carefully placed bombs in order to distract NYPD from your real plan to steal $2 billion in gold from an underground safe beneath Wall Street only to be later foiled by the exact same tough-as-nails cop from New York AND Samuel L. Jackson.

oYou could always get off your lazy ass and get a part-time job you lazy prick!

Oh, and remember when all else fails, tying your penis between your legs in order to fool other men into actually paying to have sex with you is always a viable option.

In All Seriousness... F'real 'doe, f'real...

Fake ID's (don't trust 'em)

Hartley's Law of Misrepresentation of Age

1. You can use a fake ID once and you will get beer.
2. You can use a fake ID a second time, you will get beer and maybe even some booze.
3. You can use a fake ID a third time and have your ID confiscated by some uptight waitress only to be later hunted down like a muskrat by OLCC goons and slapped with approx. $500 in fines.

I have been to the other side; I have spent time with those who sell beer for a living. I have seen their ways, studied their habits and have even held conversations about the Blazers with them. I have sold beer to minors myself, and I have had my car keyed after not selling beer to minors. Yes, I reluctantly admit that I spent last summer working as a clerk in a convenience store. I've even been into the heart of darkness, the very epicenter of that which makes the drinking for underage citizens a tremendous hassle. Last June I spent 45 minutes in a meeting room within the depths of (*gasp!*) the Oregon Liquor Control Commission (OLCC) headquarters. I have mingled with their minions and I have gazed at the leather chairs upon which these tyrants rest their buttocks. And I'm willing to share all I've learned. Pay attention and save yourself a couple hundred bucks.

Most fake ID's are incredibly easy to spot. Break out your wallet and see how many of the following errors your own fakey contains:

1. Most fakes have incredibly poor lamination. The edges are usually rough and shredded because counterfeiters aren't willing to invest several hundred dollars on a high-quality lamination machine.
2. The surface of a real ID is smooth. The surface on your average fake ID has a bumpy surface, especially around the picture.
3. Both the picture and the masthead (the part at the top where the name of the state is placed) are often blurry and dark. On a real ID, these features are bright, sharp and easy to read.
4. Most counterfeiters aren't willing to put any time and effort on the backside of the fake. A friend of mine wasted $50 on a Texas ID which didn't even have anything written on the back. The backside of your average real ID usually contains either a signature or a lengthy amount of information on donor status, et cetera.
5. ID's in most states have the driver's birthdate written in red ink. The color red is the most difficult for counterfeiters to get right, which is why it's becoming increasingly utilized by DMV's across the country. The red ink used by counterfeiters is usually way, way too bright.

If you still insist on getting a fake, Do not let the counterfeiter put your real name on it. Sure, this seems pretty obvious but he or she might try to convince you that this is a good idea. The counterfeiter may claim that with your real name on the ID, you can always back up your fake with say, a school ID or a library card. Trust me though, no self-respecting purveyor of beer will ever ask for a second piece of identification. Stick with "John Doe" or "Susie Homemaker."

No matter how good they are and no matter how authentic that cheesy hologram looks, your fake ID will get confiscated. Most waitresses and courtesy-clerks in this city have been bribed by their employers to confiscate fake ID's and turn them to the OLCC. This policy allows taverns and convenience stores to get on good terms with the organization, especially if they themselves have been caught by undercover sting operations.

Before you make the decision, ask yourself, "Is a drink worth $500 and an enormous amount of legal hassles?" If your answer is no, get a 21 year-old to buy for you or try your luck at local bars without an ID. If this doesn't work, all it will cost is a brief moment of embarrassment after you've been politely asked to leave the premises.

Milwaukee's Best Ice (Note: There's a reason why it's so cheap.)

This brand of beer may seem appealing because of its inexpensive price and the fact that it contains twice as much alcohol than your average beer, but be warned: "The Beast" turns common men into belligerent, pig-like mutants. With a couple cans of Beast flopping around in his/ her gullet, there's no telling what sort of depraved behavior your average beer swiller will engage in. The nation's top scientists still have yet to determine what causes this bizarre metamorphosis. After consuming a six pack of this brand, the drinker begins changing as The Beast begins to take over his senses. The volume of his (or her, but really what self-respecting female would ever stoop to drink this crap?) voice increases triple-fold. He becomes confrontational, impatient and begins sweating profusely. Loud utterances such as "fuck those fucking communists fucking fuckheads, " or "You can't kill rock'n'roll!" or "skateboarders; why doesn't somebody slaughter these arrogant cocksuckers?" are not uncommon. The drinker eventually loses his ability to engage in rational discourse and instead begins a lengthy search for small appliances to repeatedly stomp on. After a senseless rampage lasting up to, but not exceeding, 2 hours, the drinker finally gives into the overwhelming power of The Beast and begins looking for a nice place to curl up into a fetal position and pass out.

It is at this time that The Beast begins to have its way with the drinker's digestive system. Once unconscious, the drinker's sphincter begins releasing a tremendous amount of flatulence. The scent of these farts is so terrible that others are often forced to flee the room and sometimes the county. When the drinker finally awakens, The Beast makes him pay horribly for the pain and suffering he has caused others. The drinker must immediately seek a nearby bathroom where he will likely spend the rest of his day excreting an endless amount of loose stools from his buttocks when he's not vomiting his brains out.

Beware The Beast. Do not give into the temptation of The Beast. The Beast is all powerful and all knowing. It can and will destroy you.

Mo' Essays, Mo' Problems

If You Gank My Sunshine (it's the "I'm Too Sexy" for the late 90s. Oh, never mind.)

Obscene Bonus Tidbit

Whatever you do, don't kill yourself. College is just four twisted years that will likely leave you impoverished, soulless and no more educated that when you first entered. But if you really want to do yourself in, try to make suicide a part of your post-graduate plans. In the real world, it'll be easy to find a decent reason to kill yourself...especially if you've just wasted $50,000 on a degree in Folklore.

Brandon Hartley, a junior majoring in Munging, is Graphics Editor for the Oregon Commentator