Spew

On Conspicuous Consumption

The thing is, I'll buy stuff just knowing I don't have any place to put it.
-EPD Officer Randy Ellis, the guy who patrols 13th avenue near campus, in a KEZI "News at 11" segment about his hobby of collecting worthless crap. Stop in at the EPD station at 13th and Patterson to see some of the worthless crap he has on display.

[Ellis] doesn't know how much he's spent on all that stuff. All he knows is that the stuff makes him happy.
-KEZI news anchor Kelly "Chicken Lady" Metz, closing out the Ellis segment. We don't know how these idiots got on television, we just know that it makes us feel that much better about our own intellect.

On That's Incredible!

What was billed as a rally to support marijuana legislation Saturday turned into a drug festival on Boston Common with 40,000 people, many of them minors illegally smoking marijuana.
-Associated Press, Sept. 17. If this is accurate, that means people who support marijuana legalizaiton *gasp* smoke it themselves? That's positively scandalous. And those underage smokers should know better, and wait until they're 21 when they can smoke legally like the rest of us.

On Macho Men

The Navy says it was trying to crack down on ecstasy dealing. So why did its investigators concentrate their efforts on gay dance clubs?
-Subhead to a July 18 story on Salon.com. Where would have been a better place to start? At a Boy Scout meeting? The operative phrase here is "dance club." Carry on, sailor.

On Tpyosmagrapphical Errors

'Schoolhouse' performance makes fun of learning. -Headline from the Oregon Daily Emerald, Thursday, July 20, on a UO theatrical production of a "Schoolhouse Rock" show. We get the message: TV good, learning bad. But at least with "Schoolhouse Rock," University Theatre continues its generations-long tradition of sharing classic works by master playwrights.

On More Progressive Than Progressive

When are we going to have a policy that taxes the rich people?
-Ralph Nader's running mate Winona LaDuke, on America's current tax code. Wait a minute, aren't the top ten percent of America's wage earners paying the vast majority of income taxes, while the bottom ten don't pay anything? With that kind of logic, we can't believe she wasn't elected to Washington years ago.

On Golden Years

I hurt my back. My son-in-law got me that... you know that booze drink? It's loaded with calcium. I drink it every day, and most days I have to lie down. But now I'm okay.
-Howard, the old guy with the tall hat who rides his bike around on Sundays, collecting empty bottles from houses along Hilyard street. What "booze drinks" have calcium-white Russians? When Bob Dole said milk was dangerous and addictive, he may have been right.

I'll be 85 on Oct 24th. Never thought I'd live this long. But look at me, I ride a bike every day. I tell the girls I was born on two wheels. They like that.
-Howard, revealing himself to be a bona fide dirty old man. Well, at least now we know where he got that Kappa Delta sweatshirt from...

On Apropos

Concorde Bodies Found, Eyes on Black Box
-Headline for a Yahoo! News Reuters story on the crash of the Air France Concorde. Plane crashes may not be getting safer, but they sure are getting a lot more accurate.

On Who's The Nazi?

We're not the Nazis, the homosexuals are OCA legal director Scott Lively argues.
-Eugene Weekly, September 14. If we've said it once, we've said it a million times: learn to share. You can all be Nazis. If only we could set aside our differences and hate everyone equally, what a wonderful world it would be.