Nobody Asked Us, But...

Cartoon Eyes and Cartoon Suits

Apologies are far and few between up here in Room 205. That is, unless someone knocks over your beer; then, it's just a matter of tact. Nevertheless, we are compelled to straighten out a misunderstanding about our most recent issue.

Throughout July and August, Issue XIII (right) routinely disappeared from distribution boxes around campus, particularly from our box behind PLC, next to the Knight Library.

It wouldn't be the first time, and usually we can chalk it up to the hippies or whatever group has been maligned by the most recent issue. However, following an interesting conversation with one of this campus' unsung icons, it turns out that the real culprit is Hatoon: the talkative "crazy lady" outside the library.

According to Hatoon, "All the children of the world are being born with cartoon eyes," and somehow, the OC is responsible. While the OC categorically denies any and all connections to such a cartoon-eyed newborn syndrome, we regret any actions on our part that may lead one to think otherwise. Neither the management nor the staff of the OC would condone such a thing, and we would like to go on the record as to say so explicitly, so there are no further misunderstandings.

Now please, Hatoon, leave the goddamned issues alone already.

Who the hell are these guys?

We have no problem with the concept of campus authorities; any college needs good security - but it sure as hell doesn't need anymore assholes. One weekend in September, an OC editor and a fellow alcoholic, were "victims" of the assholes we all know so well as the OPS.

The two were peacefully walking through campus - one with an "accidentally" opened twenty-two ouncer - when an overly enthusiastic OPS officer who, more often then not probably tells people he's a real cop, stealthily shadowed them at a distance of about three yards. What a psycho. He stopped them and gave the normal talk, which they had no great quarrel with. Then, however he called the good old EPD who also probably tell people they're real cops. The Eugene officer proceeded to give the aforementioned alcoholic a ticket for his open container. Not all that big of a deal, but it pissed him off.

Why did he have to call the cops? There was no real reason. Seriously though, judging by the the way this guy was tailing them, another one might as well have jumped out of a tree or descend by way of parachute. It seemed at times that he was getting aroused during the incident, while marveling at his carefully planned approach to his subsequent triumph over... who? Two guys walking across a campus that they pay to attend, holding bottled filled with some kind of liquid.

The UO campus is private property, and since he pays through the nose for tuition and fees, it would make sense that he be allowed to do as he likes on his own piece of ground. The officer could have asked him just to pour it out without involving the EPD, and he may well have done it.

Who the hell are these guys? I normally don't mind OPS, although they can be annoying, and they drive around in their stupid marked cars - as if anyone ever paid attention to them - but I do mind when they hire idiots like this guy.

Correction

In "At Year's End," from the June 21 edition, the Commentator erroneously reported the name of the individual to file the first grievance against the Gabbe/Larson campaign during this year's elections. The actual grievant was student senator Jennifer Greenough. We regret that historical revisionism is not our forte.

Things to do

- Listen to KWVA from 6:30-7:00pm on Tuesday nights, and get on the air by calling 346-0645. Reader listening is encouraged.
Listener participation is required.

- Whatever you do, do not accept a "Lemon Leprechaun" - from anyone, for any purpose, at any bar. We're looking out for you.

Broken MoJo

Feigning surprise, the Eugene community discovered in early September that the University of Oregon had been chosen by Mother Jones, in their September/October edition as the most politically active campus in the contiguous forty-eight. Mother Jones is a periodical which categorizes itself as "progressive," thereby increasing the likelihood that their reporting will not focus on issues that will lead to anything resembling "progress."

Before you get all excited and start making signs for the next rally, you champion protesters, don't forget that you owe it all to Phil Knight. As the article "Real Reformers, Real Results" mentions, the signing of the WRC "provoked the ire of Phil Knight, Oregon alum and CEO of Nike, which is a founding member of the FLA. He withdrew a $30-million pledge to the school's athletic program and vowed he'd never give again."

Funny that, since the Willamette Week reported this summer that Knight has already donated money to the business school since his ugly break up with President Frohnmayer.

So what is Mother Jones trying to say? Well, they dub Eugene the "anarchist capital of America." However: a) They're not the first to notice that, and b) Is that something to be proud of?

In fact, this is the second time since 1996 that the UO has topped the list. So put the balloons away - the party was over years ago.

Viva la Agua!

Okay, nobody asked me, but why does there seem to be an annual liquid revolution on this campus? One year coffee is all the rage, everyone walks to class with their java jugs displayed for all the world to see, and then they have to talk about it, for gosh sakes. "Oh shoot, I'm out of Coffee." "Thank goodness for Coffee! I was up so late last night!" As if coffee is the savior of all that is good in the world.

But wait, the Liquid Revolution strikes! The coffee drinkers become water drinkers, and suddenly it's au natural to carry around plastic bottles of plain water as if this juice came directly from the fountain of youth. What's worse is that everyone carries around the worst excuses for water jugs; you've seen them „ the screw on caps hanging from hippie packs with the compulsory duct tape attached. Apparently duct tape is the secret ingredient for this tap water, even if these "revolutionaries" just fill their bottles of ambrosia straight from the tap.

What makes this all worse is that this water craze isn't limited to single groups. On the high end, you can find Evian in sizes from the personal hand-held bottle, up to the two liter varieties.

What will this year hold for our campus? This writer is going to push for mugs of PBR. Since I'm generous, I'll even allow duct tape and a fancy slogan if that's what floats your boat.