One-Shot

Down the Toilet

At the Commentator, we hardly ever stop and question our own words and actions. It's a good thing that someone else has.

The Oregon Commentator is that crude uncle who sneaks his nephews beers at the family reunion. It is loud, unshaven and confrontational.

But the truth is, no member of the staff should be held too accountable for his or her actions. The Commentator is a campus publication so immersed in campus politics that it is only natural for its writers to get in your face. It's comparable to war veterans who return with psychological problems.

And this year's war has been a doozy. Coming off a rough year with Bill and Ben in the ASUO executive, students now have an ASUO executive that makes us reflect on their predecessors as if they'd come up with the New Deal or the League of Nations. This year's ASUO has as much common sense as the Insurgent has humor.

Many students wonder if the collective staffs of the Oregon Daily Emerald and the Commentator hate each other. The simple answer is no. After all, it's hard to hate the magazine that managed to corral the funniest quote I have ever seen, Everclear vocalist Art Alexakis' oft-Spewed line. Now doesn't that sum up the year to date?

You see, between coordinating with University President Dave Frohnmayer on what stories to put in our independent newspaper, and deciding which men's sport (no chicks, please) to put on the cover, the Emerald simply doesn't have time to screw around with a rag like the Commentator.

However, the Commentator makes the Emerald better, if indirectly. For example, we will get raked through the coals in this issue, and we know it. It doesn't make the staff feel good, but it reminds us why we need to stay sharp. As an independent newspaper, the Commentator gives us 90 percent of what little feedback we actually get. And sometimes the criticism has been constructive. Other times (for example, any time Farrah Bostic got a pen) it hasn't been.

On a personal level, though, the Commentator staffers are great... and ticklish. Another one of the reasons the Commentator and Emerald get along so well is that we both manage to inflame every single student group in only a few hundred words per year. The difference is that the Commentator does it on purpose, while the Emerald doesn't actually intend any harm. But we've shared that common ground.

As much as they try to hide the fact, Commentator staffers are real journalists. Only journalists would drink beer with every meal. Well, politicians too. But a few years back, the student body told Ed Madrid and his computer that Commentator staffers (and their computers) are not welcome in student government. Perhaps that's for the best, because the art of tearing down political egos is finer than the art of running an entire apathetic student body into the ground.

But the Commentator has an identity problem. While it struggles to establish itself as a hard-hitting in-depth magazine, it also manages to blow that image by running bare-assed pictures of its staffers and monthly jokes about Elaine Green. Between the covers of a single issue, the Commentator can run articles explaining how a staffer was dumb enough to get caught being a bad boy in front of an RA; something crude about bowel movements on campus; why students' best source of campus security, OPS, is a crock; and why every Emerald columnist should be burned at the stake in the EMU Amphitheater. What a show of hot air that would be. According to the Commentator, OPS is probably too inept to break up a good old stake-burning, anyway. The subject matter is too abstract to establish a solid image. Then again, maybe that's what the staff wants.

Since the collective retirement of Mark Hemingway, Andrew Oberriter and Farrah Bostic, the Commentator has softened. Or maybe the Emerald is just perfect, and the Commentator has run out of insults. Finding an Emerald staffer in tears over something in the Commentator is much harder to do these days. But that's what we like... a soft, cute, quaint magazine called the Commentator.

Cute. It's nice to see a magazine that tries so hard but still doesn't understand the basic principles of typography. Maybe it's the beer, maybe it's the huffing, or maybe conservatives just don't believe in apostrophes.

Frankly, no campus publication has a better handle on the inner workings of campus politics than the Commentator. That makes me shudder. It's like dropping the back of an earring into an EMU toilet at night. The Emerald knows how easy that tiny piece is to replace-it takes a picture and moves on. The Commentator takes a different approach, opting to jump into the toilet, middle finger first, to get that damn earring back. Along the way, it will describe all the poop and urine and kidney stones it sees floating past. Once it finds that earring, the Commentator holds up its shit-coated arm in triumph. But most people are so put off and disgusted, they can't bear to look. It's all pretty disgusting.

It would be pointless, however, to merely criticize without offering any suggestions to the Commentator. First, keep harassing the Oregon Voice. That's funny; people will understand. Second, if the Commentator is going to lampoon student government and University administration, stay away from the personal attacks. As Elaine Green (or other such favorite Commentator victims) is, to many students, no more than an abstract person in the University administration, singling her or any other individual out for intense ridicule eventually erodes the credibility of the Commentator. Third, keep a tight grip on the rights to the Oregon Voice's name. That's also funny; and something people will understand. Finally: KEEP SPEW! Spew is the most popular section of the entire magazine, and for a good reason--readers get to laugh at administrators, student politicians, and even the Emerald for things they actually said, not because of an editorial insult. It's tough to collect all the quotes, but very funny when well done. A final word of advice on Spew: stay away from the "When will I be Spewed?" quotes from ASUO student senators. That hasn't been a problem so far; keep it that way. Many of us consider Spew sacred, like a new Grateful Dead bootleg.

Other than working for Flux (a.k.a. selling your soul to get one line on a resume) or the Insurgent (a.k.a. selling your sense of humor for no comprehensible reason) there is only one other major journalistic experience one can have on campus. There's one more hack to attack: The Oregon Voice. (You didn't really think I could come up with 1,200 words on the Commentator, did you?)

Recently, the Voice has been confusing us. Rob Elder, the publisher, Editor-in-Chief, reporter, janitor, paginator, designer, cartoonist and egomaniac for the publication, has departed. This led to a shocking realization: there are actually other people on that staff who can write stories and take pictures. It has taken a little adjustment to handle the stark raving change (Fourth of July-style independence?), but the Voice is still as listless, devoid of real humor and perverted as ever. That's pretty comforting; and what's more, it provides plenty of material for the Commentator to grasp ahold of as it drags the Voice through the mud.

And it's comforting to have something like that to count on--like when that crazy uncle starts handing out the beers again.

Michael Hines has not gotten back to us about our potential column in the Oregon Daily Emerald