Nobody Asked Us, But...

OC Elections Endorsements '99

The 1999 elections season has arrived, as it does every year, unfortunately without fail. At this time, an important decision is brought to the students--who will control your fees, and makes decisions for you? While you may shrug and dismiss the whole thing, the ASUO elections are a serious occasion, and should be treated as such. Your decision must be well-considered and reasonably arrived at. Should you vote for the candidate with the most consonants in their name? In a word, yes. Or what about those with the most syllables? Again, the answer is yes. But what to do in case of conflict? Place the ballot on the ground before you, close your eyes, point and spin around. After you've counted to 99, stop. Write in yourself and your friends like you'll do anyway. Failing that, consider the Oregon Commentator's 1999 ASUO Elections Endorsements as a practical guide. We're looking out for you.

ASUO Executive Office: Pioneer Mother (prez) Amphitheater Knob (veep)
She's an veteran on-campus statue of historical interest. It's an inexplicably placed chunk of leftover concrete. Together, they comprise your best bet for a competent executive next year--er, to usher in the Dawn of a New Millennium. On a campus where people come and go, the Pioneer mother remains steadfast, a durable icon that students can turn to for a sense of consistency. The knob, installed only this spring, admits to and remarks on its relative inexperience: "Actually, I think it's one of my strengths. I have a brand new perspective which I hope could bring an exciting change to the position... I think I should be a refreshing alternative to the same-old same-old." And it's just that balance between the old and the new that makes their ticket so promising. The Pioneer Mother has the advantage of being a longstanding and respected campus figure, while the knob has the smart, 90's cutting edge of a new generation. Additionally, both have pledged, if elected, not to mastermind a conspiracy to refund OSPIRG. "It is true,they may indeed be reinstated this elections season," conceded the Pioneer Mother. "Please, children, do not allow this to happen. It would bring a great sadness to my old bronze constitution."

The best of the best (i.e. the only adequate) candidates for a handful of senatorial seats. You can guess on the rest.

The Almighty Lord (Business Seat #17)
Dropped as a running mate by ASUO hopeful BRETT (Bettin) amid allegations of unorthodox campaign contributions from the Catholic church. On his qualifications, the write-in candidate God said: "If I'm fit to judge the immortal soul of of my creations, I'm fit to judge the everyday business of campus politics."

Dwight D. Eisenhower (Social Science Seat #15)
On his posthumous return to the political arena, Eisenhower is quick to outline his platform: "A truce in Korea is imperative. I will not rest until that happens." In the face of concern that he has been deceased for some thirty years, Ike is unapologetic: "It is a non-issue." On his plans for the coming year: "Where's the booze?"

A bottle of Henry's Private Reserve (Undeclared Seat #11)
Being the other inanimate, non-living object on the ballot shouldn't hurt this lager's chances. It has a built-in core constituency on the campus that may prove decisive down the stretch."I may not have the highest of alcohol contents, but I'm not all that expensive, and I taste pretty damn good. If I was good enough for Henry, then I'm good enough for you." The OC agrees.

Rollergirl (A&L Journalism Seat #13)
While she continually refuses to remove her roller skates, the OC is impressed by Rollergirl's opposition to OSPIRG, commitment to ASUO accountability, reasonable student parking, and her dedication to academics. Added Rollergirl, "I'll suck your cock for twenty dollars."

Chris "The Dane" Christoffersen (Undeclared Seat #11)
As a freshman, this towering young baller may seem an unlikely contender, but in reality, he is a political wunderkind. As you may or may not know, the Dane hails from Denmark-which, contrary to popular belief, has an organized government, including taxes, elected representatives, and even a head of state. With a background like this, the Dane is nothing if not a sure thing.