Not Worthy

Y2K: The Phone Call

Armed only with a Tripp WireTM phone recorder and the chutzpah born of sleep deprivation, I set out to get some answers about our school's safety from the infamous Millennium Bug and associated disasters. Here are the transcripts.

My quest began at the top: Dave Frohnmayer, our President.

OC: "Hi, is Mr. Frohnmayer in?"
President's Office [sunny but guarded]: "No, he's not. Would you like to make an appointment?"
OC: "No, I just wanted to get a feel for how prepared the University is in the event of computer failures resulting from the Y2K bug..."
P's O: "Well..."
OC: "What's really bothering me is the clock, you know, the big bell. I mean, we all know it's not a real bell--you can hear the tape hiss when you're close to it! So let's say it started going haywire and was going off at 3 AM like it was noon or something. Would students coming back on the 4th of January have to go to class at 3 AM?"
P's O: [laughs] "Sir-"
OC: "And what is being done about that? I mean, that's really the least of our worries, when you consider-"
P's O: [click]

No answers there. I called the Computing Center.

Computing Center: "Computing Center, can I help you?"
OC: "I...uh...no, probably not." [click]

Looking through the UO directory, I came across a number for something called the Center for Electronic Studying. It was a long shot, but what the hell?

OC: "Hi, uh, have you studied the electronic problems of the Y2K thing?"
CES: "I'm not really the one to talk to. We mostly work on developing the use of computers in education."
OC: "Well, how can you use computers in education if the Y2K bug has screwed up all their circuits and stuff?"
CES: "Well, our office...we are fully aware of the-"
OC: "Like, what if it turned all computers into mischievous twerps who made it their purpose to deliberately mislead people? I may not be an Electronic Study expert, but I can't really see the educational value in that!"
CES: "Do you have a serious question?"
OC: "This whole damned issue's serious! Gravely serious! Am I the only one who can see that? If so, I suggest y'all start studying!" [click]

No help there. I decided to just ask a computer directly.

Computer [perky yet firm]: "Welcome to Duck Call! Please enter your nine digit student number."
OC: "Uh, no, I'm not doing any of that today. I just wanted to ask you if you felt you were Y2K compliant."
Computer [polite yet impatient]: "Bu-dung! You have not entered a valid nine digit student number. Please try again."

Shit. Nothing but prevaricating bureaucrats and tight-lipped computers. I decided to find a real person. Where? The only place they can be found on this campus: The Physical Plant.

Physical Plant [gruff]: "Physical Plant, this is [name garbled]."
OC: "Hi, what do you know about Y2K?"
PP: "Oh, that computer thing? Not a whole lot. Why?" OC: "Did you know it could cause jet planes to malfunction, stall, and possibly crash?"
PP: "No, I don't believe I've heard that. Who is this?"
OC: "Oh, it's, uh, quite likely. Listen, do you think the University is prepared to withstand, say, a 747 crash? I'm talking like an 80-degree nosedive straight into the EMU."
PP: [laughs] "That wouldn't happen!"
OC: "Sure it would. Like I said, quite likely. It's that Y2K thing. So, do you think the campus is currently prepared to deal with that?"
PP: [chuckles] "No way!"

I hung up before he could clarify what he meant by "no way." So there you have it: the University is not prepared for the Y2K bug. And that's my report.