Not Worthy

Those Kooky Vegans

I always wanted to ask a kooky leftist vegan about vegan ideas on pets-good, bad, or exploitative? What about the bums who fuck their dogs? And what if those dogs are vegans who only eat leftover pasta from garbage cans? What's more unethical, the bestiality or the meat eating? Oh, and how is it ethical to feed a carnivorous animal herbivorous food? Too many unanswered questions, too little time...

In case you haven't been attending the politically correct university long enough to know what a vegan is, vegans are vegetarians who don't eat any products of, or use any product derived from, the animal kingdom. I don't think they like to be associated with vegetarians; after all, vegetarians oppress the bees by exploiting them for their honey. Associating vegans with vegetarians is like associating an orthodox Jew with Jerry Seinfeld. Vegans tend to choose their lifestyle because of personal ethics, as opposed to simple dietary concerns. Oh, and there's also the fact that they don't have taste buds. In addition, a percentage of feminists firmly believe that eating meat goes hand in hand with the oppression of womyn. (One of the reasons womyn's studies programs came into being is that English Ph.D's ran out of kooky things to write about.)

If you didn't know, a hierarchy exists when it comes to how people choose their diets. We all tacitly agree to it. Some of us are more cognizant of it than others. The list of food staples, and their position in the hierarchy, goes like so, from least to completely "enlightened":

• Mongolian meat-eater: Meat, blood sausage, blood-milk pudding. Notice, no veggies.
• My friend BRETT: Steak (whenever possible), over-easy eggs, pork sausage, banana pudding. An occasional boycotted Gardenburger with the vegan roommates every now and then.
• Me: Steak (about once a month, more out of poverty than ethics), scrambled (cooked) eggs, cheese, the occasional triple cheeseburger, pickled eggs, fig newtons and broccoli.
• Fish-eating vegetarian: Granola with milk, sushi, cheese omelette, fish-head soup. Okra and lots of iceberg lettuce with non-fat dressing.
• Pure vegetarian: Granola with raw milk, cucumber sushi, cucumber sushi, pickled eggs & tofu. A strong taste for mangos.
• Purist Vegan: Rolled organic oats cooked in soy milk, wheat germ with apple cider, homemade tofu, hummus and soy sauce for flavor on everything.

(Oh, and the Jews who suffer from lack of a Kosher butcher are somewhat more enlightened than I, but the nature of their religion-which at one time worshipped a golden calf instead of veal or a live calf-makes them less enlightened than their vegan counterparts. And we tend not to judge the Mongolians. They come from a pristine, non-Western culture and have a different set of values.)

But really interesting is the vegan theory of the pet. I had a good conversation with the folks down at SETA (Students for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) the other day. I wanted to know, first, if vegans had pets, and if so, what they fed them. I wasn't sure if pet-owning was exploitative in nature. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So you're a vegan, right?
Him: Absolutely.
Me: Do either of you have pets? (Both nod.) Do you feed them vegan pet food?
Her: I have rabbits, who are vegan anyway.
Him: I have cats, and yes, they're vegan.
Me: Vegan cats, eh? Is there some vegan Meow Mix that I don't know about.
Him: I detest those pet food manufacturers. I buy VeggiecatTM for my cat. (Nice corporate plug. At this point another guy stepped in.)
Guy 2: One time, we made a veggie mash for our cats. It was made out of lentils, tofu, and soy sauce. The cats went crazy for it.
Me: Lentils, huh? So what if your cat catches a mouse? Do you take it away and try to nurse it back to health?
Him: No way. We try not to mess with the natural order of things.
Me: Oh. So does that mean vegan women breast feed?
Her: I would.

That last one surprised me, too. I didn't realize that vegans would breast feed. So baby vegans aren't neglected from suckling of the teat. There's still some mercy in the world. They might have a chance at being normal, despite their kooky parents.

Do Nothing

Journalism students are being screwed in a whole new way, thanks to an unholy marriage between the School of Journalism and Communication and the EMU Food Court.

As an alternative to the final exam, students in Professor Denise Matthews' Visual Communication class may create a multimedia advertising program for the EMU food stand coalition. To get students pumped up for the task at hand, a representative of the EMU told students that if their posters, brochures, TV spots, etc., are effective and of high creative merit, the EMU will actually use them in an upcoming advertising campaign. Responding to questions about the financial reimbursement for toiling over the time-consuming task of creating a full-scale ad blitz, EMU Food Service Director Theresa Coleman-Kaiser answered, condescendingly, "No, but if you come to my office and talk to me, maybe I can get you a free cup of coffee at The Buzz.

In other words, VisComm students are to slave away on an ad project that will ultimately make money for the EMU, and they are expected to do it for free because the thrill of seeing their work in print is payment enough and will encourage them to wildly creative TV ads and vibrant posters. Sure, knowing I'll get my ideas stolen right out of my hands, without getting paid or having any legal recourse of any sort, always gets my creative juices flowing.

This isn't like landing a short story in a small press or other such unpaid opportunities for young writers--that kind of thing isn't really for profit. If the point of the writing is to make money, however, is it not grossly unfair if the writer sees none of that money?

Thus, the EMU Food Court would much rather exploit overachieving Journalism pre-majors than have to shell out money for a real advertising agency. Why the EMU Food Court needs to advertise in the first place is puzzling. Seeing as how every remotely commercial entity on campus is located there, the restaurants have no competition in the food service area, aside from the Burger King on Franklin. Meanwhile, if anyone living on campus gets hungry, they'll go to Carson Hall or Grab-N-Go and use the meal plan they've already paid for.

Of course, if the School of Journalism is preparing students for a future in either advertising or feature journalism, this is an invaluable lesson. Getting your work stolen is an integral part of writing for a living. Even the Commentator knows what it's like. The Oregon Voice even ripped off the OC comic strip "Random Stick Thoughts." It just goes to show you, hard work ultimately screws you over. The message is clear, and to quote modern sophist Homer Simpson, "Don't ever try."