A Deity in Full

THE OREGON VOICE'S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH GOD.

With an explosion of thunder he was before me. Not the intimidating presence I'd read of in the Old Testament, nor the forgiving entity of love I learned about in sunday school, but a belligerent old loon who'd take Black Sabbath and cheap wine over Jars of Clay and communion grape juice. Ladies and gentlemen, an interview with god.

Allah. Yahweh. Jehovah. The Original Dude With the Stuff. God. Love Him or hate Him, you can't well escape Him these days. With such past successes as the Torah, Bible, and not least the Universe, God has made a name for himself on the deity scene, quickly establishing himself as a major deity and banishing such previously favored gods as Zeus, Quetzalcoatl, and Odininto relative obsolescence.

While not without His failures (dinosaurs, nonlinear algebra, Bill Maher stand-up routines), God once again appears to be on a roll, if not artistically, then at least commercially. With such current hits as Touched by an Angel, and the recent glut of angel-related merchandise in stores across the nation, it seems like God is everywhere these days.

Taking His newfound popularity as a conversational launching pad, I sat down with God on a sunny Wednesday afternoon. Sipping drinks on the terrace of His quaint hillside bungalow, we talked about faith, charity, and MTV.

OREGON VOICE: Our Heavenly Father, it's great to be sitting down with You at last. I know You're not given to granting interviews, so I'm first compelled to thank You for agreeing to meet with me.

GOD: Well, thanks. It's sort of fun, every once in awhile. Not that I plan on making a hobby out of this. But I do get a chance to reach my fans outside of prayer, which I suppose can be rewarding to the masses, but doesn't allow Me a lot of room to speak My own mind. Usually, people are too busy asking Me to kill people they hate or pleading with Me to save their children or something. It's not too often someone wants to hear My side of things. So I think that's why I'm doing this.

OV: Great, then we're happy to offer You the forum. I'll start off by asking You about the surge in attention that religion has garnered from Hollywood in the last couple of years. What's Your take on it?

GOD: Well, you'll remember from reading your Bible...

OV: Actually, I must admit I haven't read much since Sunday School class.

GOD: ...Nevertheless, you'll remember that I am a jealous God.

OV: Of course.

GOD: So when people started to drift away, you can bet your ass I wasn't very happy about it. In the eighties, money took my place for a lot of people. What's that all about? Will money buy you salvation? I don't remember writing that down in the Good Book.

OV: But what do You say to those of Your followers who are upset with Your recent surge in the polls? Is it true what they say-has God sold out?

GOD: You mean like 7th Heaven, Touched by an Angel, things along those lines?

OV: Precisely.

GOD: You have to look at it from my standpoint. If I can bring in just one conversion by the kind of programs you speak of, then it's worth it. Even if the acting is flat and the writing lacks creativity, it's all about making the sale. Ah, metaphorically speaking, of course.

OV: Of course. It's worth it, then, even if that's one person saved and ten who turn away from You?

GOD: Free will is still free will. They'll do as they please, but here's the main thing. Some of the hardcore fans might be won over by hymns and choir music and Bible passages, but I'm not gonna reel in Joe Agnostic with those kinds of tactics. The hard sell isn't gonna do it. You gotta appeal to people on their level. You ever read What They Don't Teach You at Harvard Business School, the Mark McCormack book?

OV: Mmmm. Can't say that I have.

GOD: [It] really opened my eyes. Before that, I was losing the hip set to atheism and illicit drug use. They're still reading existential philosophy and shooting up, but in fewer numbers. I'm still in the lead.

OV: What about Christian rock?

GOD: I had nothing to do with that. I'm sorry. I suppose you could say they mean well, but they're really more a liability than an asset. I don't know what else to say. Michael W. Smith is not making it past Pete and stepping through those pearly gates if I have anything to say about it.

OV: What about good old-fashioned rock and roll?

GOD: That's a different story altogether. I'm way into classic rock and heavy metal. Rock may be ailing at the moment, but I'll come up with something. Don't worry about it.

OV: What about death metal, and that sort of thing? Sepultura is better than Jars of Clay?

GOD: Please tell Me that's a statement and not a question.

OV: [Pause.] Alright. Along the same lines, then, what do You have to say in response to the allegations of the Church of Satan, in particular the late Satanic Bible author and church founder Anton LaVey and currently popular Priest Brian (Marilyn Manson) Warner, that You do not exist, but instead that oneself is the highest authority that man answers to?

GOD: Anton. Ha, what a card. He doesn't do much alleging anymore. Too busy reaching for grapes, if you catch my drift, eh? Whereas Manson I respect as a businessman. He's read McCormack too--I'd put good money on that. I respect him the same way I respect Sean (Puff Daddy) Combs and Percy (Master P) Miller. They know how to connive the kids out of their hard-earned disposable income and make them ask for seconds better than I do. Which is why I've got special pits in the Underworld waiting specially for them. No one gets to be better than God. So, do I exist? I do, they're jealous, and I think my works are enough to justify my existence across the land.

OV: Also, I'm talking to You now.

GOD: Yeah, that too.

OV: Now, let me switch gears to some areas of interest we haven't hit upon yet. What about the supposed Bible codes that made headlines a year or two back, which supposedly predicted the rise of Hitler and the assassination of Jack Kennedy? Any truth to that?

GOD: Well, sort of. Kind of an inside joke. I had too much time on my hands, really, and just started sticking things in there. I tired of it pretty quickly, but if you take every 666th letter of the New Testament, it spells out the lyrics to Material Girl. Again, I just had to kill some time before giving St. John 500 mg of magic mushrooms and sending him out into the desert to write Revelations for Me. I thought it was funny, but he couldn't sleep for a year.

OV: What about the Dead Sea Scrolls, if You remember that far back. The real deal, or are we barking up the wrong tree?

GOD: Foolish mortals... [trails off, muttering to self]

OV: I don't understand. Is there something to it?

GOD: The John Lennon boxed set just came out, right? And I'm a fan of the Beatles, right? Hell, I even bought Ringo's Time Takes Time album, right? I may as well have burned the money with a Bic lighter and saved My ears the trouble, but I'm a collector, right? So the Lennon collection comes out. What is it? Snippets and early recordings, and things like that, and I have to wonder: would John've allowed that? An artist of his privacy and perfectionism? I don't think so.

OV: I think I see what You mean. The Dead Sea Scrolls are akin to Lennon's early demos and clipped b-sides. Perhaps an interesting insight into the mind of the artist at work, but not necessarily a good listen at best, and an invasion of an artist's space at worst. The Dead Sea Scrolls You took out for a reason, so they deserve to remain on the cutting room floor, and the enthusiasm of the die-hard fans can ruin a good thing by pulling it apart too much. Am I right?

GOD: What are you talking about? You're not comparing the Dead Sea Scrolls to Lennon's studio outtakes, are you?

OV: Isn't that what You were doing?

GOD: Not at all. But if you get enough wine in Me, I'll talk Beatles until you're blue in the face.

OV: Wine?

GOD: Oh, well, the pitcher on the table's just water. I know I should cut back, but after I pour it, hell, I just can't resist. But then again, I'm God, so I can do whatever I want.

OV: Right, right. But I want to talk about the Dead Sea Scrolls.

GOD: Those things? Hell, I let the Holy Spirit take a crack at the New Testament with those, and let Me tell you this: He's all talk and no action. I mean, what gives? He sure was enthusiastic about it at first, but when comes down to the deadline, is He ready to go? Nope, He wants a 1000-year extension. And then another extension. You assign the guy a project, and the first thing He does is buy a bunch of expensive supplies, and the next thing He does is put it all off to play video games. I'm telling you, that really gets to Me. I really wanted to sit out the New Testament, let someone else have a turn, but I had to go ahead and do it anyway.

OV: What about Jesus? I'm sure He would have done a fantastic job.

GOD: Yeah, well, He might've, but He was too busy posing for velvetpaintings and crucifix sculptures. That gets to Me, too. I may have created the whole damned universe, but He gets all the publicity. He gets movie deals and book deals and things like that. Of course, it finally came back to bite Him in the ass with The Last Temptation of Christ. He signed on with Marty Scorsese after He saw Raging Bull, but didn't really read the script. Serves Him right, the little ingrate. Thinks I forsook Him? Hell, I'll show Him what forsaking's all about.

OV: Don't You think You're being a bit unfair?

GOD: Ah, I suppose I could be. I get worked up like that. I haven't popped a Valium yet today, that probably has something to do with it.

OV: Then if You don't mind, I want to get into another subject.

GOD: Yeah, whatever. I'll say anything at this point. It doesn't really matter, I can always rewind time or erase your head or something, right? I am the Lord your God, for Pete's sake.

OV: True. Now let's talk about something a bit more personal. I'm speaking of course, about the Great Flood. I know that was hard on You.

GOD: What, killing unicorns? Those things were a bad idea in the first place.

OV: That isn't quite what I'm getting at. It was a difficult decision, I imagine, and You even told Noah, and here I quote Genesis 8:21, "I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake...neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done."

GOD: Yeah, so what?

OV: Now, unless my chronology is incorrect, the book of Exodus follows Genesis, and You clearly threw plagues down upon the people of Egypt.

GOD: What do you want from Me? They wouldn't let Moses' people go. I was trying to cut the guy a break. You read a lot?

OV: Yeah, I guess. Mostly magazines, though.

GOD: Well, I read a little book called The Prince. By a little nobody named Machiavelli, maybe you've heard of him. Maybe you've heard a littlesomething about 'the ends justifying the means.' I don't want to sound too condescending, but you forget that I'm the Supreme Being of the Universe. I can change the rules if I feel like it.

OV: Sure, You're God. You can do what You want.

GOD: Exactly.

OV: Alright, I didn't want to get too heavily into that, because what I'm really driving at is this: in the past year it's been said by a lot of people that the extreme weather changes we're experiencing-

GOD: You're gonna blame that on Me?

OV: Slow down there, I didn't get a chance to finish.

GOD: You're accusing Me of reneging on my promise?

OV: It's a question I'm asking, but an accusation? No. I'm just-

GOD: Are you calling God a liar?

OV: No way, just listen-

GOD: You're calling God a liar.

OV: I think You're jumping to conclusions here.

GOD: You mortals are all so paranoid. Especially you media types. You're all hooked on the X-Files is what you are. What, no one's asked Me to be involved? I'm not spooky enough? No one works in mysterious ways the same way I do.

OV: So You deny any involvement in global warming, El Niņo/La Niņa, the hurricanes?

GOD: Has anyone been saying that? Who's been saying that?!

OV: No one, look-

GOD: No, you look. I'm the Alpha and the Omega, you got that? I've got an image to uphold. Someone's been talking trash about Me, is that it? Has the Holy Ghost been shooting His mouth off again? You know He told this one rabbi in Duluth that He thought up the idea of separating the light from the dark? What kind of balls does it take to make that kind of claim?

OV: Look, do You want to take a moment to calm down, and then start over, or-

GOD: Are you kidding Me? This interview is over. You blew it, pal. You're lucky I'm not striking you down right now, smartass.

With that, God stormed off and I was left there with a half-filled glass of ice water and an incomplete story. Later that afternoon I got in touch with God's press agent, and after a couple of days of coaxing, Our Father Who Art in Heaven agreed to sit down and continue where we left off.

OV: So we're back with You again, God. I'm grateful for Your change ofheart, and for Your decision to meet with me again.

GOD: Well, I should really apologize. I was a bit sloshed, and that morning I'd found out that the film City of Angels, which I really liked, was based on a much better one, called Wings of Desire, so that kind of had Me on edge. And then... ah, it's not important. I took it out on you and that was the wrong place and time for it.

OV: Apology accepted. Let's talk about the millennium. Is that going to be the end of the world, are You at liberty to say?

GOD: Ha! No, no. The year 2000 has nothing to do with the end times. I'm working at my own pace, and Armageddon is on the schedule, but I'm not going to get around to it for a while.

OV: So where are You going to be on the big night?

GOD: Did I hear someone say that Pink Floyd was going to give a freeconcert for the world at the pyramids in Egypt on December 31st of 1999?And, Roger was going to join them?

OV: Right. I think that's been pretty well established as a rumor.

GOD: Really? What about the Rolling Stones at Madison Square Gardens? That still happening?

OV: I hadn't heard. I guess.

GOD: Well, that's where I'll be, in any case.

OV: A serious question now, and I don't expect You to answer, but I'll ask it anyway: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, whichever title you prefer to use... When's He coming back anyway?

GOD: What, Jesus? Oh, He came and went.

OV: What? We missed Him?

GOD: If you want to call it that.

OV: So we're past the Second Coming??

GOD: You heard Me the first time.

OV: You're pulling my chain, right?

GOD: No way. I'm God. God doesn't kid around.

OV: When did this happen?

GOD: Couple years ago.

OV: For the love of You, who?

GOD: He wanted to come back as some half-assed rock musician named Vernon Howell.

OV: Who?

GOD: Remember David Koresh? The whole BATF/FBI Waco debacle?

OV: You're telling me that David Koresh really was Jesus? I don't believe You.

GOD: Alright, don't. You could've asked Him yourself if the governmenthadn't set the place on fire and knocked it down with a couple of Bradleytanks.

OV: So we missed it?

GOD: Well, a couple people were saved, but yeah, you missed your chance. Sorry. You can't blame Me for not recognizing it. Now you're doomed to live in a post-apocalyptic nightmare.

OV: Well, I'd never have guessed.

GOD: I work in mysterious ways, remember.

OV: Interesting. So after the millennium, then. What's next for God?

GOD: Well, a little of this, a little of that. After I'm done sorting out all the doomsday cult suicides and wackos trying to bring about the end of the world, I'll need a bit of a vacation. Maybe somewhere near the EQ Pegasi system, maybe somewhere else. Probably shouldn't say, don't want the paparazzi chasing Me around. But after that, who knows? The future's wide open. Hell, only the Devil can say what I'll do next.

William Beutler, an undeclared sophmore, is Associate Editor for the OregonCommentator Publishing Co.