Ballot Box Buggery

The ASUO Executive has called a special election. Now you must ask yourself: Are you sheep? Are you swine? Are you cattle? Are you mewling, simpering cretins? Yes, yes you are.

In a move that has stunned many student government and UniversityAdministration insiders, the ASUO Executive has called a special election for mid-February. The special election will decide several key issues, from funding of student activities to how students will vote in future elections. ASUO Vice-President Morgan Cowling explained the need for the virtually unprecedented special election in her comments following the announcement of the election. "Basically, we ran out of Seroquel, Atavan and Xanax and, understandably, went quite mad, you see," said Cowling, as she desperately tried to control the tell-tale facial tics of a woman only marginally in control of her own mind. "Unfortunately, last year's Executive didn't budget enough money for an entire twelve month supply of anti-psychotics and anxiolitics. We plan to remedy that this year by tripling the line-items for heavy-duty Schedule II drugs."

In her only comments to the press to date, a largely incoherent ASUOPresident Geneva Wortman muttered something about the "voices in [her] head" promising to "end their torment" if she ordered an ill-advised, hastily thrown together and potentially fraudulent election. Wortman then retreated to the far corner of the room where she faced the wall, rocked back and forth and continued to murmur to herself.

Reaction from within the University community has been, in the main,positive regarding Executive's action. University President Dave Frohnmayer shrugged his shoulders, a gesture which experts say is about as supportive of student leaders' actions as it gets. Despite his office's cooperation in revising the Incidental Fee guidelines in the Clark Document, ostensibly a major reason for convening the special election, President Frohnmayer has not apparently changed his long-time stance of quietly suffering through each new ASUO administration with a wan and somewhat tired smile. As one University insider put it, "Don't worry. He's still just humoring those morons." University Vice-President Dan Williams, who is also a former ASUO President, was much more forthcoming with his support for the February election. "These fucking chowderheads have no idea what they're doing. These people were simpering idiots in my day, they are now, and they always will be. That's why the Administration always comes out on top. You don't think we have our own reasons for wanting this election? Ha!" Williams said recently, his derisive tone unmistakable. "Anybody who wants a piece of me knows where to find me," he added.

Revamping the Clark Document's fee-allocation rules is not the only reason for the special election, however. In addition, the student body will be asked to vote on a new web-based method of ballot casting. If approved, the system will be implemented in all future elections. Herbert Chereck, whose Office of the Registrar would coordinate the web voting project, has said he is in full support of the plan. "It's all falling into place," said Chereck, with an evil glint in his eye. "Soon I will be the undisputed master of the globe!" Asked to elaborate on how web voting would benefit students, Chereck laughed maniacally. "You are all my pawns! Mwaa-ha-ha-ha," he said in closing.

Student leaders outside the Executive have been more cautiously optimistic than their Administration counterparts. "Well, what it comes down to is that I really have no concept of what good governance is. I couldn't lead my way out of a wet paper bag, let alone formulate intelligent, equitable policy for this campus. I mean, all these rules! Whew!" said Student Senate President Michael Olsen. The other members of the Senate smiled and nodded in agreement. "Truth be told, we're the last people who should be trying to do this," added Dan Reid, a senior Senator and Chair of the Programs Finance Committee. "We're not terribly bright."

Some outside analysts have been critical of the move to call a specialelection for the proposed measures, however. Bluegrass legend Peter Rowan has been one of the most outspoken opponents. "It's the lonesome sound/ of a train going by/ that makes me/ want to stop and cry," Rowan intoned balefully at a press conference Monday, while fellow music greats David Grisman, Stan Getz, Wayne Shorter, and very special guest Jerry Garcia looked on and accompanied.

The criticism is not isolated to one end of the political spectrum, either. Surprisingly, former President Ronald Reagan has come out against the ASUO Executive's decision to call the special election. Reportedly, upon hearing of the decision to call students to the ballot in February, Reagan briefly ceased drooling in order to complain vociferously that "that flea-bag chimp Bonzo gets better treatment on this movie set than I do," and that he was "damn well walking off this picture" unless the script rewrites he demanded were accepted by the studio. Reagan then shat his pants.

Aides close to the former commander-in-chief are downplaying thesignificance of his statements. According to one high-level staff member, President Reagan's outburst was the result of Alzheimer's-related senile dementia and the fact that his new nurse is not entirely familiar with his daily medication schedule. The aide did, however, confirm that the poop in Reagan's pants was "an impressive load of trouser leavin's."

On the other hand, many veteran politicos are surprised by the silence from one quarter: namely, The Supreme Being, God, whose Holy Unspeakable Name may not be uttered by mortals lest they be consumed by Divine Fire. Yahweh, who recently broke a 2,000-year-old policy banning direct communication with His Creation (see related story, Interview) has as yet refused to make an on-the-record comment about the special election. God has gone so as far as to condemn the immortal souls of several reporters to eternal ruination in the brimstone pits of Hell for questioning His Celestial Will by requesting interviews.

According to Heavenly SpokesAngel Metatron, God's Sacred Plan for theUniverse is "not for humans to know, let alone understand." Perhaps the most telling words on either side of this contentious issue were spoken by astronaut David Bowman, fictional protagonist of Arthur C. Clarke's 2001: A Space Odyssey. "My God, it's full of stars," said Bowman, before being whisked across the cosmos by an unfathomable alien artifact on the far side of Jupiter. Bowman has since remained unreachable, refusing to return repeated phone calls.

Bowman's comment serves to underline the fact that, at this point, the debate about the special election is purely academic. The election will take place in February, and some people might actually vote. The debate now must turn to what the outcome will be and how it will affect students. Even so, most experts agree that there are two good things about the upcoming election and the conduct of this year's ASUO officials in general: nothing and nothing.

"Ambition is the last refuge of the failure."
          --O. Wilde.

"These are the days that will break your spirit and reduce you to an empty husk of humanity..."
          --A. Oberriter