LETTERS

Looking Out For Number One

Dear OV,
Regarding your guide to internet movie sites ("The Internet's Edge on Movies," Issue 3, Volume 9, Feb 1998), I've got a very serious problem at work. A trusted friend on the night janitorial staff tells me that a co-worker regularly urinates in my desk on his way out in the evening. My friend expects me to confront him on it, but I have come to enjoy the smell. My friend says he is going to stop him soon if I don't. So I am torn.

          --Ralph Grier

Maybe I'm Not Such A Bad Guy

Dear OV,
I'm not such a bad guy, when you get to know me.

          --Whiskey Jim

Wrong Turn At Albuquerque

Dear OV,
Aargh. Here it is. Another month has crept up and I need to come up with a letter. Why can't I write a good letter? Aargh. Where the hell is the computer?

          --Michael Fujita Wight

Cupids and Colons

Dear OV,
Regarding your 1998 Valentine's Day Issue (Issue 3, Volume 9), I think that someone is coming into my room at night and cleaning out my colon while I sleep. Please make a note of this.

          --Rick

Dear OV,
I've been going into this guy's room every night and cleaning out his colon. Act accordingly.

          --Frank

Clapping To Black Flag

Dear OV,
Thank you very much for your poignant interview with Henry Rollins (Issue 1, Volume 10). I found your questions direct without being offensive, and his answers revealing without being artificial. On a different note, I am worried that the piece may have given me the clap. Please stop binding your magazines with staples.

          --M.P. Johnson

_ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _

Dear OV,
_ _ . . _ . _ . . _ . . _ _ . _ . . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ _ . . _ . . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ _ _ . . _ . _ . . _ . . _ _ . _ . . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ _ . . _ . . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ . _ _ . _ . . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ . _ . _ _ . . _ . . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ _ . _ . _ _ _ . . _ . _ . . _ . . _ _ . _

          --Captain Frederick Jeffers

Spooky Colon

Dear OV,
Regarding your seminal issue on Halloween (Issue 1, Volume 8), I can see the guy who cleanses my colon peeping through my bedroom window right now. File this letter.

< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >--Rick

Dear OV,
I think he is looking at me right now! What do I do? Do I introduce myself...yeah, like that will really work: "Hi, my name is Frank, and I cleanse your colon while you sleep."

          --Frank

Womyn of the World Unite!

Dear OV,
You've got a lot of growing up to do. I'm tired of your incessant complaining about the ASUO Executive, OSPIRG, and the Golden State Warriors. You petty, lowlife, degenerate thugs are the reason womyn like us can't land a solid shooting guard.

          --Kathlyn Karlyn

Coming to Terms, With the Riots

Dear OV,
Remember when you so viciously attacked the alleged 1997 Christmas Riots (Issue 2, Volume 9)? Well, Frank is cleaning my colon right now, and I love it! Keep up the good work.

          --Rick

Dear OV,
You're not going to believe what I'm doing right now. That's right, I'm cleansing Rick's colon--it turns out he likes the freshness after I finish. Keep this in mind.

          --Frank

STOP DOUCHEBAG STOP

ATTN: PETTY OFFICER ROB ELDER SR

PENTAGON DECLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS ON BIKINI ATOLL BOMB TESTS STOP RECORDS SHOW YOU AMONG SEAMEN ON BOARD LAUNCH SHIP STOP RADIOACTIVE FALLOUT LINKED TO TESTICULAR CANCER AND GENETIC MUTATION STOP YOUR SEMEN CAUSTIC SEAMAN STOP DO NOT REPRODUCE STOP IF YOU ARE TRYING TO REPRODUCE YOU MUST STOP STOP ARMY NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BIRTH DEFECTS

          END

Lil' Mookie Looking For Love

Dear OV,
I will buy you a Forty, girlie. I will get piss ass drunk and stumble around the bedroom, I will fumble around with your buttons and bra, but you will have to take them off because I will be too drunk. I will slur obscenities at the television while digitally manipulating your love patch. I will mumble such niceties as: "you are the finest baby I ever met at Circle K at 2:30 in the morning" or "baby you looked good before my third Forty, but you lookin' real good now" and "if you don't give it to me pretty soon I will be passed out face down on the couch". I will love you all night. Shit, who am I kidding? I will pass out and you will have to go and satisfy yourself in the shower. In the morning I will sneak out, leaving you with the bill for the hotel room, but baby, I won't steel your wallet, cuz you know: LIL' MOOKIE ALWAYS TREATS THE WOMENS RIGHT!

          Much love,
          Lil' Mookie