Coming Attractions!
THE COMMENTATOR RETURNS JANUARY 28th

SPECIAL ELECTIONS
What's so special about them? Do we need them? What are elections? And will finally they convince your roommate to do their laundry? The answers are currently being tabulated by two dozen Swiss migrant workers employing only an abacus, a corkscrew, and a single walkie-talkie. The answers are forthcoming, and you could very well miss both the tantalizing results and the elections themselves. Unless you read the Commentator.

Y2K
The global economic market will collapse. Gun-toting, mind-controlled armies of area war lords will steal your food and set fire to your home. The Crimson Jihad will make good on its promise to park a VW in front of the White House with a nuclear bomb in the trunk. Why? If I were a betting man, I'd put my chips on the impending Y2K crisis. And the dealer's hand is looking just a little bit sweeter than yours. Unless you read the Commentator.

OPS
You've seen the vans, the flashlights, and the gawky grad students repeatedly checking doors that are probably still locked the third time around. Who are these fearless crusaders for the current campus police state in the name of security that you've come to accept as a given? Give up? Let's just say there's a wealth of vastly under-utilized derogatory terms for these work-study rent-a-cops and their wannabe-cop superiors--and you'll be missing out. Unless you read the Commentator.

CRYSTAL METH
amphetamines. Energetic. Cost-effective. A breath of sweet, sweet temporary psychosis. The hallmark of the Eugene/Springfield area. And we've got a searing expose on the best thing that ever happened to penniless environmental clean-up crews. Finally, Tiny Tim will have food on his plate. After all, he's got a crippling disease and he could go just like that and it could hang over your consciousness for the rest of your life. Unless you read the Commentator.