Feature

Oregon Commentator Riot Guide

If you give the kids a riot, they'll rampage for an evening. But if you teach the kids to riot, they'll rampage for a lifetime.

Pamplona has the San Fermin running of the bulls-where drunken partygoers risk their lives to run down cobblestone streets alongside livestock.

Bunol has La Tomatina-where drunken partygoers risk cuts and bruises tohurl 150,000 kg of tomatoes at each other every summer.And Eugene, Oregon has Halloween-where drunken partygoers risk policecitations to uproot stop signs, attack passing automobiles, and findthemselves dispersed by tear gas canisters.

So what's the difference? To start with, the student body is not largely comprised of Spaniards. Nor are the remaining numbers made up by impatient tourists, unless you count bored South Eugene High students. The real answer, of course, is that the first two are legitimate celebrations and the latter is merely a bastardized continuation of a childhood rite of passage. When you're too old to trick-or-treat, egging cars is passe, and your identity is hidden by the rubber impression of your favorite presidential icon-childish violence against inanimate objects is sure to follow.

What further complicates matters is that the so-called Halloween Riots havebeen blown up into a tradition, the likes of which are the staple of JimTorrey soundbites and ODE editorials.Halloween of 1997 was chaotic, unprecedented, and impressively destructive.

Estimates concluded that between 300 and 700 unruly youth were involved.

The epic damage included a destroyed van, countless launched objects(pumpkins, bottles, potted plants), and toppled street lights. Everyoneknows the gruesome details by now, from news articles (including the one inthis issue), firsthand accounts, and personal experience. The residents ofthe house that attracted most of the crowd were scapegoated and severelyfined, so the community could tell itself they'd fixed the problem.They hadn't, obviously, and this year the melee predictably repeated itself.

The riots have yielded a short, redundant array of responses:"Yeah, that riot was fuckin' awesome. Shit, you shoulda been there. Fuckman, flower pots were flyin', this car tried to drive through and this guyjumped on the hood. I was so fuckin' wasted an' me an' these guys weretrying to pull down this street lamp when they tear gassed us. Fuck thepolice, man, fuck the police!" Such opinions are more common than theletters to the Emerald would indicate. Call it the great silent majority,call it a lack of social obligation, but we'll call it drunken belligerence.

"What has happened here is an embarrassment not only to theUniversity, butto the city, and to the students themselves. Is this the kind of reputationthey want to build for themselves? The media must own up to itsresponsibility, the students must learn to drink responsibly or not at all,and we must pursue every option to ensure this does not happen again."

Generally, the older the self-appointed pundit, the closer the opinionleans toward sweeping condemnation. This attitude is the status quo, thoughmost opinions fall somewhere in between. Like the Clinton-Lewinsky-Starrmedia hype, little remains unsaid about the phenomenon. Every fact has beenreiterated, every possible adjective overused, and Roget's Thesaurus hasyielded every synonym for the riot available. In fact, all words spent onthe subject have now been reduced to little more than finger-pointing.

'It's the alcohol.' 'It's the irresponsible youth of today.' 'It's themedia.'

The media? No way. Not around here. Not in this town. No one has anythingbut a kind word and a cheery smile for the television, radio, and newspublications of this nation. The media never gets any criticism...Which is obviously facetious. Every other movie that comes out nowadaysthinks itself to be cleverly subversive and unique because it's a mediasatire-even though Citizen Kane beat The Truman Show by a good 57 years.

While the students who hosted the kegger took the majority of the blame in'97, who's getting the shaft now? The media. More specifically, studentmedia.

In a frantic How-Do-We-Stop-These-Damn-Kids-From-Getting-Wasted-And-Breaking-Our-Shit summit, Mayor Jim Torrey and UO President Dave Frohnmayer brainstormed solutions and badmouthed the media (only to be reported on later by the media). While going no further in specifying who they meant by student media, they agreed that this, coupled with the horrors of binge drinking (coincidentally, also blown out of proportion by the 'media'), was absolutely the reason people were abusing the taxpayers' street signs. The question remains still: who is this 'student media' and should they truly be held accountable?

"Unequivocally, we do not feel responsible for that," said Emerald editorRyan Frank. "Editorially, we took a hard-line stance against the riots."The Oregon Voice's Rob Elder, saying "the Oregon Voice was not responsiblefor the riots," denied any involvement. The Insurgent Collective not onlyrejected the notion of Insurgent responsibility, they made the furtherstatement that "There was no riot...when ten students are drunk in thestreet, and there might be another hundred students looking on-and thepolice presence escalates and aggravates the crowd to the point of teargassing, we would not call that a riot." KWVA, part of the student mediafrom the broadcast arena, held the same opinion. "No, all we do here isplay indie rock and no one listens," stated an anonymous KWVA DJ. AVENU,the Siren, the Dissent, Flux, and the Craft Center Workshop Catalog couldnot be reached (or in most cases, found) by press time. None of thesepublications are likely culprits. Back to square one. What does this meanfor student media? Someone, obviously, was meant by Frohnmayer's remarks,and only one conclusion is left. It would appear that, by process ofelimination, the Oregon Commentator is sufficiently responsible to beassigned the blame for the riots. What can we say for ourselves? It's ourfault. We did it.

So where are we at? Eugene is on the verge of a full-blown tradition. TheseHalloween Riots could be big. Big. Something students from other collegesannually make the road trip to the Willamette Valley for-perhaps a stapleof yearly national coverage, if the university plays its cards right.This budding tradition does need a bit of a push to overcome the bad press.

Someone needs to give these riots a healthy sense of direction. Since theCommentator is clearly responsible, we're here to help the rioters helpthemselves. No one else is going to do it. What follows is a concise,organized plan to incite a riot of epic proportions. After this year'ssorry follow-up to the glory of Halloween '97, Halloween '99 needs to besomething else-especially as it's the last chance to riot this millennium.

Here's how it's done.

THE STANDARD PARTY-RIOT

PRIOR TO THE PARTY:

You need to have a vision.

Above all else, you need a vision. Gone With the Wind couldn't have beenthe screen masterpiece it is without Victor Fleming. Without Frank LloydWright, the Guggenheim would have just been another building. You should bekept awake nights by images of burning garbage cans and looting. What youneed, first and foremost, is to be the party's director, and to keep theinterests of the riot uncompromised. It should be your primary-nay,only-concern. It has to be your baby, and it deserves your full attention.The riot is in your hands. Aim for the moon.

Advertise incessantly.

It isn't really a riot unless you've got a crowd numbering into thehundreds, and as such, the party needs advance notice. Inanimate objectsare not going to be violent, and people who don't know about the party arenot likely to arrive. People are an absolute must, especially males betweenthe ages of 18 and 25. Tell all your friends, tell them to tell theirfriends, and do it at least two weeks in advance. Once people start tellingyou about the party, you've done the job well.Many potential rioters can be found in the dorms. Print out a flyer,advertising a party with free beer. Include a date and location, anddistribute your flyers throughout the dorms. Hand them out, tape them todoors, find someone to let you in and slide them under doors.In the information age that has culminated in the '90s, the internet is thebest way to get things rolling. Start by spamming newsgroups and studentsat neighboring Universities (i.e. sending out massive amounts of junke-mail). For example, use an anonymous Hotmail account to notify everyperson at Oregon State with the surname "Smith." E-mail friends at nearbyschools and tell them to spread the word.

Set an appropriate time and location.

While Halloween is the ideal night to provoke senseless violence, it is notthe only time. Should you plan on another night, timing it well isimperative. Law-abiding citizens are not especially prone to turn violenton any given night of the week. Choose a Friday or Saturday night, perhapsduring Dead Week, the first weekend after the start of the term, or on somekind of holiday (e.g. Halloween).Location is another vital concern, and you have a few decisions to make.The first option is to hold a party yourself. This, unfortunately, rendersyou vulnerable to hundreds of dollars in fines. The second option is toconvince someone else to host the party, presumably without telling themthe extent of your plans. Whatever you decide, you must find a locationfriendly to drunk college students. A house in the West Universityneighborhood, hopefully away from older neighbors, is the paragon.Nevertheless, you'll have to settle for what you have.Acquire large amounts of cheap beer and liquor.

What, like people are going to do this sober? Unless there is a broadsocial injustice that has until now remained unchallenged, alcohol is the only answer. The first thing you'll need will be a large number of kegs.

Not to actually drink out of, of course, as the OLCC is bound to catch up with and fine you once they've been confiscated. The only reason to have kegs is so everyone else can tell their friends they were at an eight or twelve or twenty-four kegger-half the goal here is the reputation of your party. This may not be realistic, however, and even cheap beer in large amounts will cost good money. One way to minimize the damage to your wallet is to charge $5 for unlimited beer. [NOTE: This is really illegal. Of course, so is inciting to riot, so we'll assume you're not too concerned about the finer points of the law.] If the beer is well regulated, meaning random people can't just fill their backpacks and leave, then you also stand to make a small profit. Another option is to ask others to chip in ahead of time. Go to Emerald Distributing Co. on McKinley, where the chains get their supply. Remember: if it isn't in a can and it cannot be accurately described as swill, you shouldn't be buying it. Instead of the poetic odes to the juice of the gods usually found in the pages of the Commentator, here is instead a shopping list.

* 10 cases of Busch Light. To get things rolling. Goes down like water.

* 10 cases of Milwaukee's Best. To add fuel to the fire. High alcoholcontent. Shifts the party into high gear.

* 2 cases of Widmer Hefeweizen. Every party needs cheap beer for the proles and better beer (in bottles) for the people in the back rooms-the residents and their friends. This establishes a clear social order, integral to any party situation.

* 1 six-pack of Pete's Wicked. To unwind with while you're crouched in a closet, wet towels under the door, gasping for air. A time for reflection.

Alert the media ahead of time.

If Halloween '98 has taught us anything, it is that media expectationsalone are enough to induce unruly student behavior. Thus, the media can be used to one's own benefit, and will play into one's hands willingly. Start the rumor mill early, preferably as soon as a date has been set.

Spamming the newsgroups is one way to get word to the media. Once the word is out on the internet (the underground of today) they'll know about it soon enough.

As the big night rolls nearer, call up KVAL and play the role of aconcerned neighbor who has heard rumors of a large party. Get a couplefriends to call KMTR, KEZI, the Register-Guard, and the Emerald. Call us, too-entertainment like this is hard to come by.

DURING THE PARTY

Tell people to show up around nine. They'll show up around ten, but you'll be ready.

Set up the distribution point.

Designate one downstairs room as the beer room, and get someone toregulate the flow of cans. If you're charging money, mark the hands ofpaying drinkers with a Magnum .44 or Sir-Marks-A-Lot indelible marker. If you want to ensure that more than the first ten people pay, invest in a dark-color stamp pad and an asymmetrical stamp.

Play music loud.

Loud. Keep it aggressive and keep the bass heavy.

Pretend to run out of beer.

Or actually run out of beer. The effect this will have on the crowdgoes without saying. The masses will be calling for blood within minutes.

Incite violence.

Form a riot initiation task force. Once the alcohol has been pulledout of rotation for fifteen minutes, tensions will be running high enough that the slightest provocation will result in an escalating series of violent outbursts. Firecrackers, smoke bombs, and burning garbage cans are all simple, low-investment means to a violent end. Toss a beer bottle into the street, and someone will toss a cat. Scream at the police and the cameras, and so will the sheep. It isn't necessary to riot yourself, and encouraging the herd to do so may not even be necessary. Work up a frenzy, and then take shelter while it all goes down.

Congratulations, you have yourself a riot!

Legal ramifications.

What? True hedonism doesn't take consequences into account. In vino veritas! Just call Legal Services in the Office of Student Advocacy at 346-4273.

THE SPONTANEOUS RIOT (epic version)

Much like the party-riot version, there is a variant on this familiartheme. This would be a spontaneous riot-where a riot somehow erupts in themiddle of nowhere, causing damage all the same. While the effect will be ofan impromptu uprising, unpredictable and unexpected-the truth is that itmust be well constructed. The disadvantage of such an event is the addedteamwork and organization, while the advantages are many.Promise live music. Promise a DJ. Promise a full bar. Students will want tobelieve it so much they won't even question the reliability of your emptyguarantees. Promote the party in a similar fashion, and follow all thesteps above. In fact, double everything. Clear the shelves at the EmeraldDistributing Co. Prepare like it's the last night on earth.But instead of telling people to come to your home or someone else's,advertise the party to be held at a random intersection, at 10pm sharp. Ofcourse, this implies that you mustn't inform anyone that there is actuallyno party being held. This is your trump card. When the partygoers start toshow up, send your people through the crowd armed with half-racks, handingthem out to anyone and everyone. Soon enough, you'll have the fuzz, thecameras, and oppressed Gen-Xers in a crucible of campus tensions.

They'll talk about it for years.

Where does one hold such an event? There are a few prime locations:

a. 17th & Alder.A historical battlefield. The site of the notorious confrontations of AllHallows Eve. There isn't much to suggest the potential of the intersectionand similarly destructive adjacent intersections, but there's somethingabout it that lends itself to semi-regular student-authority skirmishes.

b. 13th & Alder.Just down the road, and situated right in the main artery of the WestUniversity neighbor-hood. The 7-11 is right there, and it's centrallylocated to both the dorms and off-campus residences. It may be unrealistic,since it's a bit too busy to get things rolling, but just imagine a riotoutside the new police station. The EPD would be the laughingstock of theentire community.

c. The Bean Complex.Designed by the same architect as the state penitentiary, those courtyardshad to have been aimed at trapping the crowd's energy in one area. The destructive impulses will reverberate through the crowd, bounce off each other, andecho back, until kids are scaling the walls. Imagine residents throwingburning garbage out and breaking windows, while the police surround theblock. (If you're having a hard time visualizing the eventual outcome, justthink Philadelphia. MOVE. May 13, 1985.) It brings a tear to my eye toimagine the spectacle and realize I may never live to see the day this isrealized.

d. West University Neighborhood Park at 14th & Hilyard.Due to the terrific reputation of this small grassy field as a great placeto buy drugs, no one is allowed past the sidewalk at this corner.No one has been since 1995, if the ominous red sign is truthful. So thepolice are sure to notice if people are there. Especially if these peopleare 18 to 20 and consuming alcohol. The corner has confrontation builtright into it.

e. Huestis Hall.What exactly it is about this place I'm not sure, but SETA is always tryingto set up a self-righteous social disturbance of their own. Even thoughit'll be in broad daylight, piggyback on their anger to further propertydamage. OPS needs something to do, anyway.

f. The parking garage at 13th & Patterson.No real reason, except that it's an elevated location, and more cars equalsmore property damage. Bonus points for anyone who can push a Honda over theside and down onto 13th.

g. Riverfront Research Park and Autzen footbridge.Admittedly, at this point reality is out the window. Just imagine, though,if you could get a thousand people in a field, with bonfires and Hell'sAngels and live music. We already had a Woodstock this decade, now we needan Altamont. Turn the park into a savage Valhalla of destruction.

Long-range goals.

We're already rioting. This much is clear. We might as well invest it withsome cause, so the media doesn't take the high road and denounce thefestivities. Hand out t-shirts at the riots. "Riot For Diabetes Awareness.""Riot for the Cure?" It could happen. The Eugene Police Department couldraise money by charging sponsors $50 a pop to lob a round of teargas intothe crowd. Of course, by the time the Eugene riots have corporate sponsors,the fun will be over. And when the students try to tip the Oscar MeyerRiotmobile, you can be certain Dave Frohnmayer will have something to sayabout it. Or the personality of the event could be taken in anotherdirection, one more in tune with its current disposition. Rolling Stonemight send ace journalist Chris Heath into the battlefield for a stunningexpose, speculating on the possible influence of 'electronica.' The MerryPranksters' grandkids will steal a school bus, park it in the middle of thewhole thing, and watch kids break the windows. And if things get reallywild, maybe Jim Torrey could convince John Kitzhaber to call in theNational Guard.

Martial law? A longer term goal. The sky's the limit.

What have we learned as a community, from this disquietude in the campuscommunity? Only that there's a long road ahead of us, and if we're going toput these riots on the map, we've got to roll up our sleeves and get downto work. As a student body, we need to believe in our burgeoning tradition.As a student body, we need to believe in the riots. So get out there! Go!What are you doing, Chachi? Let's establish a legacy you and your childrenand your children's children-can be proud of.

William Beutler, an undeclared sophmore is an Associate Editor for theOregon Commentator