Editorial

Riots Over Easy

Sometimes a good marinade brings out the true flavor.

Pickled eggs go well with beer. There is an utter sadness in thatstatement. Not in the relationship between pickled eggs and beer-thatcombination is pure joy. The sadness derives from the necessity of thestatement. It actually has to be said that pickled eggs go well with beerbecause, otherwise, no one would believe it, no one would even consider it.So there you have it: pickled eggs go well with beer.

The sad truth made apparent by the riots is that idiocy abounds on everyside. And while we normally derive great delight from pointing out theshortcomings of those in authority, we are in this case forced to admitthat our blue-suited brethren acted with no more stupidity than did thesmall number of antagonistic students they were there to confront.

You little fruities! You still don't believe it? Go into any reputable beerbar: Lucky's, Max's-they have pickled eggs. Why do you think that is,numb-nuts? It ain't for atmosphere. Pickled eggs go well with beer. Aslong as the bars have the pickled eggs, the customers will want the beer.As long as the bars have the beer, the customers will want the pickledeggs. Prognosis: Ka-Ching!

But we laugh--and have every right to laugh--because although the riots werea delightful embarrassment to the administration, they were alsoineffectual and utterly pathetic.

You're still not giving the pickled eggs and beer combination the greenlight. Why? Either you don't like beer or you don't like pickled eggs. Now,if you don't like beer, then you're an idiot whose entire base of knowledgecan be written on the inside of a shot glass with a blunt crayon-put downthis magazine and pick up the abridged copy of Toni Morrison'scanon-busting Beloved in last month's Reader's Digest; your eyes don'tbelong on this page. On the other hand, you may not like eggs, the idea ofeggs marinated in vinegar, or the concept of eating un-Kosher food. Loser.Coward. Moron-the by-product of a Kosher animal (like a chicken) is Kosher,and there is nothing un-Kosher about vinegar.

Besides, outside of the media and the twelve youths arrested, the riotsnever even happened.

Look, there's no reason to go out and try a pickled egg with a glass ofbeer right now. Merely acknowledge and respect the relationship. Becausefrom the marriage of egg and beer arises a truth that is only hinted at inthe bringing together of chaos and academia, of police and student, ofpurpose and misunderstanding. Pickled eggs and beer merely exist. They arenot pitted against each other. They promise no growth or development. Theyrely on no dates and holidays. And they don't necessarily occur every day,every week, or every year. But the potential of their fusion is constantand imminent--when they merge, the unison is without pomp or circumstance;it just happens. And a mere puckering of the cheeks, tearing of the eyes,cringing of the colon, and patting on the back are its only rewards.A busted party, a burning apartment, a handful of local media, and twodozen rambunctious go-getters do not a riot make. The application of thisformula result in nothing more than an unwitting Springer-esque moralityplay.

And given the chance to combine opposing forces to create order or chaos,we'd rather stick with pickled eggs and beer.