Survival of the Drunkest

Easy Classes, Dumb Answers and Cheap Booze. How to succeed at the UO without really trying.

You've all seen the commercials. They may be little more than a perverse Grizzly Adams' impression of Jerry Springer, but with David Attenborough narrating, it's supposed to be a legitimate documentary. "It's a fight for survival," he says, and it's hard to disagree, what with a tiger ripping apart a hapless wildebeast on the television screen. It's mighty scary out there on the African savanna, or down in the Amazon rainforest, or in the Atlantic waters. A fight for survival it surely is. And in the most contrived transition you're likely to find in any campus publication this year, it isn't just the icy tundras of Siberia or the Serengeti where survival is crucial: it's everywhere, including the University of Oregon. One must avoid upsetting the natural equilibrium, and dodge the pitfalls this campus has to offer. How is this done? Well, it isn't like this Survival Guide exists for nothing. Let's talk about survival. Survival on campus is important, one might even say critical. As logic dictates, you must survive one class in order to get to the next one. In this situation, as in others, it is important to survive. Certain things go directly hand in hand with the notion of survival. Food is one, shelter another, water a third, and clothing, warmth, love and some say sexual satisfaction figure in as well. Without survival, nothing means anything. I was told this once.

So what about actually surviving? There are a few things that can be done to increase one's chances on the UO Campus. There are no doubt more, but there isn't enough alcohol to motivate me to record them all.

COASTING 101

(All decided overachievers may skip this next section. All others, step forward.)

Higher education was designed, of course, to further students' knowledge through liberal arts courses and to prepare them for their careers through chosen majors. Yet, as most undergrads start their college careers, the first couple years are like living at high school without having the same classes every day. Productivity at this stage in one's life more or less reverts to that of a precocious toddler. Often it's defined as 'trying different things' or 'figuring out one's interests,' but the truth is you're just tooling around. Not that there's anything wrong with taking 13 credits. But which 13 credits? The registration schedule makes no attempt to explain what "AEIS 103 Compr Oral Acad Disc" means, but an innocent, unsuspecting enrolling student would, in all likelihood, find himself sitting with twelve people in the basement of Straub Hall frantically copying off the overhead before the GTF takes off the transparency. Again, which 13 credits? There is no definitive guide to the best classes on campus. And even with the publication of this article, there still isn't. But here is a list of the easiest classes by department, courtesy whatever random person happened to answer the phone at each respective office. Many thanks to the departments who participated, and (I believe the phrase is) infinite props to those who didn't hang up on me.

Me: "What is the easiest class your department/school has to offer?"

Them:

ANTHROPOLOGY

Word comes from the department head: the three intro classes, Intro to Cultural Anthropology 110, Intro to Archaeology 150, and Evolution of Human Sexuality 173 are the easiest. You will spend the better part of your time in Anthropology discussing magic mushrooms.

ARCHITECTURE, SCHOOL OF

"I have no idea what [the easiest class] is," said the bitter-sounding young man on the other end of the line. The implication, of course, is that none of the courses he's signed up for fit the bill.

BIOLOGY

121 Introduction to Human Physiology

BUSINESS, UNDERGRADUATE

101 Introduction to Business

CHEMISTRY

111 Introduction to Chemical Principles

CLASSICS

"I, um, don't know."

COMPARATIVE LITERATURE

Could not be reached for comment, effectively neutralizing my secondary goal of finding out what Competitive Literature actually is.

COMPUTER & INFORMATION SCIENCES

120 Concepts of Computing "For people who don't have any experience on a computer."

EDUCATION, SCHOOL OF The man on the phone was either unable or unwilling to, well, educate me. He, too, sounded bitter.

ECONOMICS

101 Introduction to Economics

ENGLISH

104 Introduction to Fiction

GEOGRAPHY

101 Natural Environment

HISTORY

First they couldn't say, then they put me on hold, then they told me to look at the 100 level classes. Go to http://oregon.uoregon.edu/~bnrserve/index.html (AKA Duck Hunt) for further information.

LAW

True to the profession, I wasn't given a negative answer or a class, but a list of vague classes covering such topics as Contracts, Torts, Sustainability, Mediation and Negotiation, Lying Outright, Evidence, and Law of the Sea. Crap shoot.

LINGUISTICS

150 World Wide Web "No classes, six assignments, very little reading." Courtesy the good people of Linguistics. I informed them that other departments had told me they had no easy classes. The reply came quickly, "Oh, that's bullshit."

MATHEMATICS

Math 70 Note that this class is below 100 level. Hint.

PEACE STUDIES

I didn't actually call them, nor did I look for their phone number. I'm sure they're good people.

PHILOSOPHY

No response. No one in the office. Does that mean that the phone didn't make a sound? And also: what if c-a-t really spelled dog?

PHYSICS

101 Essentials of Physics Also the 121, 122, 123 Astronomy sequence. A web-course. All lecture notes on the inny-net. It's the department's little way of double-daring you not to attend class.

POLITICAL SCIENCE

"I don't know, maybe Diana could help you." I am put on hold, to royal march Musak in the background, followed by a dead line and an error message. But that's irrelevant; the guy in Linguistics had already assured me the low-level Poly Sci classes were a joke.

PSYCHOLOGY

"It's all relative to what your perception of easy is." This from the secretary in the Psychology department.

RELIGIOUS STUDIES

Office hours 8am to 12pm. Unavailable. At no time am I or will I be awake and making phone calls during these hours.

SOCIOLOGY

"There are no easy classes here." Which fails to explain why half the Ducks in the football program list Sociology as their major.

THEATER ARTS

250 Acting I

The incomplete status of this list should alarm you. Certainly it can be viewed as a call to action: the departments on campus need to realize why students do and do not take their classes. Students will take 'Tokyo Cyberpunk' (especially popular with Voice staffers), 'Ultimate Frisbee I' and 'Love & Sex,' but they will not take 'Ballet from the Courts to Balanchine 453/553.' The school needs to wake up and offer students what they demand: easier classes, anytime after noon. 'Rock History' might be a tempting class, but the weekly 9 am discussion is a deterrent.

Why make your class schedule easier? Alcohol is a good reason. Sleep is another. Your parents may not sympathize with those reasons, but they should understand if you tell them you're 'still getting adjusted to life on your own before handling a full classload.' It works. Trust me.

ROCK AND ROLL (You can't kill it.)

Just send an e-mail to datkinso@gladstone and Dan will explain the whole thing to you. But hand in hand with rock & roll goes underage drinking, Babylonian DebaucheryŠ, and illicit drug use. And vital to this seedy underbelly of college life is alcohol. Alcohol is arguably the single most important presence on any college campus. Its power is akin to the need for sleep, or the strange tendency of adult humans to pair off and sire new humans. It is the glue of the community, not least when it spills in your backpack and soaks through the textbooks. Just try and get those pages apart.

How important is it? Look at any dry-campus/dry-town schools, and the answer is self-evident. Students in this country and in this century have come to rely on the slick promises of the alcohol industry, and rightly so. Alcohol is a catalyst, a demon, a guiding force, and it fucks you up good. So it is important to choose the right one. High-end microbrews have class, and they taste good, but neither of these traits are particularly suited to party-walking around the West University neighborhood. Who wants to be fiddling with a bottle opener while you could be riding the Beast? So the beer of beers must walk a thin line, depending on taste (Pabst Blue Ribbon), price (Olde English), alcohol percentage (Milwaukee's Best Ice), glorified white-trash image (Miller Hi-Life), and what fits best into a backpack (any brand half-rack, cans). Everyone likes to cite their own favorites, but sometimes you have to go to the pros. Especially minimum-wage pros at the neighborhood supermarket. A survey of the most economic (best tasting for the best price) beer, expressed opinions courtesy of your local alcohol and cigarette emporiums:

7-11 (1898 Franklin)

Quite rude, in fact, and definitely out of touch with the spirit of the nearby university. The woman on the other end of the line sounded as if the child support was late, her son got section 11'ed, and her daughter bought a Marilyn Manson shirt. Or at least that she was tired. In any case, she wasn't in any mood to discuss beer, and curtly made it clear that she didn't drink.

7-11 (1316 Alder)

A much different story. "Well, I'm not 21, but I drink all the time." We were finally getting somewhere. The kid's heart was in the right place, and he effectively handled my customer service needs. They can't teach that in college. The vote: Henry Weinhard's Hefeweizen

Albertson's (3075 Hilyard)

A clueless girl answers the phone. She turns to her co-worker Dan for advice. "Hey Dan, what's the best beer for the cheapest price?" Background chatter. "Weinhard's," she tells me. "Yes, but what kind?" I reply. She implores Dan further. Background chatter. "Do you like light or dark beer?" I'm asked. "Either, really." Background chatter. Would you believe two in a row? The vote: Henry Weinhard's Hefeweizen

Safeway (145 E. 18th)

No response. No response. I thought this place was 24 hours. I call another Safeway, which happens to be open. They suggest that perhaps no one is in the office, even though the store is open. I call again. The phone is answered by a (coincidence?) bitter young man who doesn't drink and wouldn't help me further.

Hilyard St. Market (1698 Hilyard)

Short, to the point, service with a chuckle. Good people. Handy nearby corner to shoulder-tap from. Centrally located and well stocked with beer and tobacco. The vote: Hamm's half-rack, bottles

Tom's Market (1490 E. 19th)

Well, the shape of this paragraph changed considerably over a two-day period. One evening, I called, and posed the now-familiar queion to one employee. "I'm not in a position to answer that question," he retorts. "Is there someone there who is?" I inquire. "That's a stupid question," he says. "Why?" I ask. "It just is. It's a stupid question to answer. Okay? Have a nice evening." Dial tone. Okay. My roommate returns a few hours later and gives it a shot. Not content with being hung up on, a verbal tug-of-war ensues, capped off by the ever-friendly "Up yours." But the next day, we tried again, and got a fair response from another employee. So don't penalize Tom, he just made a hiring mistake. The vote: Blitz Weinhard

Price Chopper (2858 Willamette)

Cheap beer? Take your pick. According to Brian, when feeding alcohol to large, out-of-control crowds, "you can't go wrong with the Beast." Brian was quite comfortable with his knowledge of the store's beers, down to his final assessment. The vote: Miller Lowenbrau

When beer-hunting this weekend, please endorse those supermarkets which participated in good humor. They're less likely to card.