Collegio's Last Stand

Against the University of Oregon, Karl Marx, and the debacle that is the ASUO

I sat befuddled at the Plaza Caletilla in the sweltering Acapulco heat. The bullfight I'd come to see, that fabled battle between man and beast I'd read of in the works of Hemingway and Michener--was pretty weak. I sat in the cheaper "sol" (or sun) seats of the bull ring during the first fight, and watched the picador on his armored horse cowardly drive a spear over and over into the bull's back. Blood gushed from el toro's pierced hide, and it became painfully obvious that this was not a fight at all, but rather an exhibition of how long this beast could hold on before simply bleeding to death. Honor schmonor. That torrero (Javier Gutierrez was his name) wouldn't have to kill the bull--he'd simply have to out-endure it, which was no real challenge following the thrashing said taurus had taken from the horseman. Twenty minutes later, after twice missing the kill with his sword, the animal collapsed, blacking out in a dizzy, shameful daze.

It was a lousy bullfight. Hey, it was Acapulco, not Pamplona--I recognized this.

But this level of outright mediocrity put my thoughts into perspective. After spending four years in a politically correct hellhole named after some moron with an effeminate name, thousands of miles removed from that pathetic little microcosm, I recognized that the University of Oregon was the Plaza Caletilla of academia. A mediocre pit. Period.

And this was no grand revelation, either. Like a grotesque brute catcalling a gorgeous woman by the shore, all the while knowing full well he'd never have a chance with her, I too understood my plight all along. I'd just never admitted it to myself. The University of Oregon is a mediocre school in a mediocre town, swelling with mediocre academics who work in mediocre buildings, teaching mediocre students a mediocre curriculum in a mediocre style. And if the only redemption it finds is in the PAC 10's best football team, the UO is more pathetic still, akin to one of those ridiculous Big 8 schools.

UO women?

Unexceptional too. Finding an attractive, intelligent woman here is like finding pork in a Rabbi's fridge--unless the word "attractive" means something that came out of a cookie-cutter and "intelligent" means someone taken to regurgitating leftist one-liners handed down by their womyn's studies professors. Interested in finding an even mildly attractive, self-aware, intelligent and articulate woman with an iota of style? You might as well change your orientation. If college is some great free market for finding another of the opposite sex (as one Economics professor once told me), Eugene sells lemons, not peaches. I'm not going to standback like some new age punk and say that looks don't matter--they do matter, probably more than any one other trait. But ladies, really: when taken as a whole, a reasonable guy can take off as many as 30 'physical attractiveness' points if they are backed up by a brain. Still, I've yet to see that combination on any more than a few, pitifully few, occasions.

The Campus Left?

If someone or something can be "extraordinarily mediocre," (regardless of the apparent contradiction) campus leftists here at the UO define the term. But before I go on, I need to clarify some minutiae for the many oblivious to campus politics.

Whichever genius said that "politics is Hollywood for ugly people" was right on the money. Go to our city halls, our State Capitol, our Congress--and one undeniable fact slaps you right in the face: the level of talent in politics is discouragingly, dishearteningly, and dauntingly low.

Three types of people are prone to entering politics: 1) those with ideas (shamefully few exist), 2) those wanting attention, but not attractive enough to get into the media otherwise, and 3) the deviously power-hungry. Corruption derives from a combination of 2 & 3. And evil is the corruption base with a dash of Marxist ideology.

Now, to be fair, the majority of student "activists" just belong to the second category. They do have some (inchoate, hazy) ideas (referenced from their sociology, women's studies, and PPPM classes), but by and large these folks just want to feel important. A few (our past three student body presidents) have the malignant combination (noted above) to fuck up policy in a major, major way. But an idiot can only fuck something up so far. That's what keeps things in check at the UO: Idiots run the show. And when they conspire and get a clever idea like calling a special election to get OSPIRG refunded, the Commentator is here to call them on it. Yet sometimes, unfortunately, they'll get away with it (that skatepark in front of the EMU: case in point).

With a megaphone and some posters, I took the entire campus left down on election day, 1998. OSPIRG lost and I was the devil; they called my then-girlfriend "Satan's concubine." I felt pretty good about it--until I admitted to myself that the victory was something akin to Hulk Hogan body-slamming a retarded kid. It's just not that fulfilling when you beat the morons.

Who are my favorite campus people? OSPIRG!, who continually campaign for campaign finance, yet who still refused a voluntary spending cap for their most recent campaign on the University of Oregon campus. They outspent their opponents more than 7-1 with off-campus money, so is it difficult to comprehend the inevitability their "overwhelming" victory--as they defiantly call it?

Collegio's standing enemies:

• OSPIRG Chairwoman Merriah Fairchild is recorded as saying that credit unions don't charge ATM fees because they're "good people." She is the foremost "consumer advocate" on campus. And also its biggest moron.
• Fanatical OSPIRG followers who probably believe in "democracy," yet see no shame in tearing down hundreds of their opponents posters during thecampaign (or dumping stacks of Commentator issues that fairly criticize their pet projects).
• Ralph Nader, for advancing the special interest of the ambulance-chasing trial lawyers while campaigning for the "public interest."
• Sociology instructor Julia Fox who claimed repeatedly that we are funded by a "right-wing" organization called the Madison Center. Well, Ms. Fox, it is difficult for us to be funded by an organization that no longer exists.

But you can wade through this mediocrity and actually make the experience worthwhile? Take lots of pictures. Drink lots of beer. Have a Bloody Mary at the Vet's Club every now and then. Avoid the Sociology, Psychology, and Women's Studies departments. Go to the football and basketball games.

And most importantly, read the Oregon Commentator. Beer in hand.

Jonathan Collegio, a senior in search of truth, love, and redemption, once published the Oregon Commentator