Feature
Ten Years of Taters
Last year, the Oregon Commentator arrived at a milestone by proving that a magazine featuring iconoclastic ideas, values, and humor could survive at a politically correct university. Not just survive, but flourish-for fifteen years. Granted, some years were better than others, but that's still a long time in people years. More than a century if you're a dog. Today's Commentator hacks were drinking Hi-C and watching "Sesame Street" while yesteryear's Commentator founding fathers were drinking whiskey and watching the University make an ass of itself.In 1990, to highlight those who worked overtime to make asses of themselves, we introduced the Annual Commentator Awards, published in each year's final issue. In subsequent years, they came to be known as the Tater Awards.
You know, 'tater, as in "Commentator." Some years, we've printed pictures of potato chips, but that only seemed to confuse everyone. Let there be no mistake: we're not talking about America's favorite vegetable (or is that catsup?)-we're talking about secret ballots, backstabbing and finger-crossing... up until the last moment, when all is revealed, and, as William Burroughs would have put it, everyone sees what is on the end of every fork.
Welcome one, welcome all, to the 1999 Tater Awards. Ten years gone, the UO community can still be counted on to make an ass of itself, and we've been here the whole way, handing out awards to the best and brightest jackasses on campus. Enjoy.
Love, The Company
MAN OF THE YEAR
Geneva Wortman & Morgan Cowling (tie) No explanation necessary.
WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Michael Dixon really earned this one by himself. Being caught for multiple felonies might have been grounds for a Tater award, but Dixon's ensuing antics warranted top honors this year. Though a bit presumptuous, it does look a little funny that Dixon was appointed to the Senate following his arrest-to impress the court, perhaps? But this is mere speculation. What is not speculation is that, shortly after being re-elected to the post, Dixon was exposed for all of his felonious glory by the Oregon Daily Emerald-and Dixon made great strides to earn this dubious title. In a letter to the enemy Emerald, he evaded responsibility as thoroughly as possible, pinning the blame (for the controversy, at least) on the decision to run background checks in the first place. He complained and complained, somehow unaware that being elected to office made him a public figure, and thus subject to scrutiny. Oops-maybe that bid for a credibility with the jury wasn't for best after all.
STUDENT GROUP OF THE YEAR
This year, we say goodbye to the Committee to Re-Establish OSPIRG. Dissolved in the wake of this year's election, we'll miss their presence in Suite One come fall term. But giving up would be too easy. The Oregon Commentator hopes to see a campaign, at the grassroots level, for the founding of the Committee to Re-Establish the Committee to Re-Establish OSPIRG. Yet until this happens, all we have are the memories. What did we love about them? That they tirelessly campaigned for clean water on 13th street? That they stuck by their guns, even when students crossed the street to avoid being approached by them? That they were able to win the endorsement of the Oregon State Public Interest Research Group during the elections? In fact, we love all of these things, but what we loved most was the case of Pabst Ice we had the money to purchase, due entirely to their presence. They will be surely missed.
PROFESSOR OF THE YEAR
Who else could it be but Julia Fox? She's not a professor yet, and if there is any justice, she never will be. This instructor made waves at the Commentator this year-and it's hard not to, when someone gets up in public and accuses us in no uncertain terms of being a front for white supremacists. To clarify a couple of points: We are funded by you, the enrolled UO student. In the past, we have received grants from conservative groups-none of whom have racist ties. And just because we've received support by no means implies that such a group would have any influence over the magazine's editorial content. We have no such obligation to anyone. Everything you read in here was thought up at 3am by a handful of dedicated students who would know if they were political pawns. And what of it if we do have ties to conservative organizations? What kind of a double-standard is this when other student groups have comparable alliances with liberal organizations? Perhaps the real reason we've chosen Fox is because she embodies a hypocritical, self-righteous agenda that excludes and demonizes those who don't agree with their vision for the university. And besides, what the hell would the KKK be aiming for with midget jokes and cheap insults?
HACK OF THE YEAR
How do we possibly sum up Vince Medeiros in a few hundred words? Vince, you probably have a great deal of talent in some particular area. We do not know what it is; only you can determine that. What we have determined, however, is that this talent does not lie in your writing. This year we approached each successive column like one might a dead body accidently happened upon in the forest-with an unhealthy need to know just how you were going to continue digging your own editorial grave. Are we sick people? Well, morbid curiosity is what it is. Not expressly right or wrong; it's just part of being human. There were garbled pseudo-commentaries that existed merely to boast of his drinking habits. There were careless remarks that put him in hot water with particularly vocal segments of the student body. There was no justifiable reason for his hiring in the first place, unless affirmative action required the Emerald to hire an Australian.
RISING STAR
The Dane & the Amphitheater Knob (tie)What's not to love? Where pernicious rivalries and perfunctory committees were the stock and trade of daily campus life, these two individual personalities showed the community at large that it could rise above such trivialities.
In his freshman year, towering center Chris Christofferson proved to be a powerful force when unleashed, making critical layups and grabbing solid rebounds. It's tough being the third-string at any position, but the Dane handled it all in stride. His amiable on-court manner, his good-natured grin, and his powerful 7-2 frame should keep the kids yelling at Ernie to "Put in the Dane!" for a long time to come. The school needs more like you.
And what a year for the Amphitheater Knob it's been. It's made entirely out of concrete, it's roundish on top, square on the bottom, and shows no signs of going anywhere. One can only imagine what it will do next, that crazy knob. The Oregon Commentator salutes you, Amphitheater Knob, and may your second year be as fruitful as your first!
DEBACLE OF THE YEAR
Special Elections. (See Man of the Year.) If, for some reason, you feel that these intrinsically related selections do indeed require further explanation, then you have not been paying attention at all this year. We both pity and envy you, and we will console ourselves with another Miller High-Life. Mmmm... beer.
Honorable Mention
The "I'll Be Everything to Everybody (Read: Nothing to Nobody)" Award
Wylie Chen,
Executive yes man
The Electrolysis Can Work For You Award
Elaine Green,
seven years running
The Adrienne Young Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Foolish
Arrogance Award
Andrew Schneider,
senatorial ego
The Best Hands Award
Herman Ho-Ching,
drops the ball a lot
The Rag on a Stick Award
Teresa Tobin,
Bo-Batty
The "I'm Having it changed
to Guevera" Award
Geneva Wortman,
Executive radical
The "Nobody Knows I'm
a Double Agent" Award
Brian Wise,
computing center janus
The "I Can Still Live Vicariously Through
the ASUO News-group" Award
Selena Brewington,
still godless, still posting
The Eternal
Optimist Award
Bryan Myss,
greek
The "Who am I? Why am I on this masthead?" Award
Rob Elder,
still around
The "A Nickel
Bag Will Do
Just Fine" Award
Akili Smith,
millionaire
The "When Will I be Spewed
in the Commentator?" Award
Matt Swanson,
not in this lifetime
The So Very, Very Tired Award
Dave Frohnmayer,
stoic
The Whatchyou Talkin' 'Bout, Willis? Award
Spencer Hamlin,
future security guard
The Just Another Flaming Liberal Kid in a Tye-
Dyed Shirt Award
Scott Austin,
one-time state
legislature candidate
The Puppet or
Puppeteer? Award
Geneva Wortman &
Morgan Cowling,
co-conspirators
The Special Interest Tool Award
ASUO Constitution Court,
OC-controlled
kangaroo court
The "I Promise to Go
Away Now" Award
Mike Carson,
not getting drafted
The Least Credible
Campus Deity Award
Amy Goldhammer,
King of the Jews
The Face That Launched
a Thousand Ships Award
Morgan Cowling,
in a land of opposites
The JumbleŽ Award
Mitra Anoushiravani,
copycat