Spew
On Unspecified Generalizations
Protesters demand diversity changes--Title of cover story, May 19 Emerald. Of course, it's perfectly clear that changes need to be made in diversity. For one thing, it doesn't get you drunk, or laid, or anything remotely useful on this campus. Maybe a new full-time University position can solve this. To arms!
All year long students have said, 'I don't feel safe on this campus, I don't feel as if there's enough diversity.'
--Lame duck Geneva Wortman, quoted in the same article. Yes! That's it! I don't feel safe without DiversityTM either! We really need to throw some money at this problem here. A couple more committees oughtta do the trick. Now is the time to legislatively bansish this DiversityTM-vacuum that calls itself the U of O! Excelsior!
On Totalitarianism
"Anyways, what about the totalitarianism of the free market?" "Yeah, good point..."--Idiot hosts of KWVA's "Left Out" talk show on the Commentator's mission statement opposing totalitarianism. First of all, anyone with a high school education knows that "anyway" isn't plural, jackass. Second of all-well, we won't even begin to explain to you why a coercive police state is a little different than the free market. Idiots.
On Drunk Before Noon
Then someone introduced me to Southern Comfort. I missed my train, I was sick as a dog, and I woke up in an alley.--Cantankerous j-school prof Jim Dunne. That's good. Dedication to the profession. We like our journalists drunk.
On No Sympathy for The Devil
Keith Richards? You ever see Keith Richards? He looks like he's 162! He looks like he got hit by a bus and decided to keep on playing.--Jim Dunne, minutes later. Yeah, Keith's been around. Hey Jim, have you ever heard his story about when Janis Joplin introduced him to Southern Comfort? He missed his train, he was sick as a dog, and he woke up in an alley.
On Blame the Spell Checker
In the May 7 article "Amateur boxers fight for local charity," Christina Skogan's name was misspelled.--Correction from the Emerald, May 24.
Skogan is an international student from Norway, but this does not identify her, and her last name certainly should not have been referred to as Norway.
--Monica Neukomm, in a letter to the Emerald, May 24, responding to the May 7 article. Here's to another first-class job by the Emerald's star reporter, Sarah The United States of America. Just the facts, Sarah, just the facts.
On Drunk All the Time
Civilization and drinking have always gone hand in hand. And I've gotten to the point where I believe being a good liver is better than having one.--Bert Sugar, boxing columnist
On I Have A Bad Feeling About This
If and when children spring from my loins, they'll eventually have to watch the [Star Wars] films as well. But in what order? Will they share their old man's experience and watch them in production order or will their perception of the galaxy far, far away be all screwed up by watching them in diagetic order? ...This could be Generation X's first real responsibility.--Jeff Miholer, in the ASUO Usenet. What are you talking about? The only real responsibility here is ensuring that this man's loins are not responsible for springing anything.
We want to thank you for choosing Regal Cinemas tonight. Thank you for letting Regal be a part of this experience. I know the real fans are right here in theater three... and remember: This only happens once!
--Regal Cinemas manager, in an impromptu speech to the crowd, prior to the 12:01 premiere of The Phantom Menace. Thanks for the hollow sentiment, Regal. And thanks for buying out Act III, assholes. Besides, the only reason we were there in the first place is because our scalper works for you.
On Logic is Too Hard
Corporate donations aim at specific goals, such as the development of a sports-marketing department that trains potential employees.--Elliot Shuford, Geology, in a letter to the Emerald. Fair enough.
Sports marketing is a University program, so taxpayers and students, not the corporation, pay to train these employees.
--Shuford again, in the same letter. Pull over! If we, and not the corporation, are paying for the sports marketing program, then where do the donations come in? Can you clarify this, or are you just jealous because Exxon hasn't established an Oil Exploration program for the Geology department?
On Sympathy for the...
When Elvis was big, he was a good looking little devil.--Jim Dunne, pulling off a hat trick. In your face, Ismach.