Not Worthy

In Re: Politics, ASUO-Style

It's funny - I know more people on campus than are living in my hometown, and with only two terms left, I know only two people who are both seriously running for office, and a few others who are running just for laughs.

OK, I'll be the first to admit that I know two things about politics - Jack and shit, and Jack just left town - but I do know about what I see on campus. I see vast numbers of posters. I see people who either put up posters or have little tables and talk to us students Abu who they think should be elected and why, but who never say anything to really pin down a serious opinion about anything. I see numerous incidents of what I have been told are election violations. Politics makes for strange bedfellows sometimes, so even a good person for the job may have a total loon "helping" with the campaigns. It happens.

But I still wonder sometimes about the need for politics and for politicians. It pisses the hell out of me when I see leaflets fluttering down the street near the amphitheater/skate park. I become a little upset every time OSPIRG's ignorant little volunteers have no answers for my questions about ballot measure funding. I get somewhat annoyed whenever the number of campaign posters on departmental boards outnumber the official posters and notices by more than two-to-one.

Maybe politics isn't the answer we're looking for. Most times we end up electing the one who turns out to be the worst politician in the lot just because they have not completely repelled us with their endless posters, and their pro forma quotes and one-liners. Maybe after a while we simply decide to elect that one person who has convinced us that they might be the right one after all. On second thought, I rather doubt that.

Look, the future is in your hands, and it does matter who you vote for and how you vote. The pre-voting investigation is vital to proper voting etiquette. Go to the debates, for starters. While you're there, ask Mark to do an interpretive dance for us, explaining in raw emotion exactly how shifty and disgusting politics is. Ask some really insightful political question of Geneva and snick loudly when her little brows furrow in concentration. Demand that one of the candidates absolutely must make a beer run before the debate is over, because that's when politics really becomes exciting.

Look, just do the right thing, dammit. If you know one or more of the candidates, don't let that cloud your mind. I love all my friends dearly, but I'd rather drink drain opener than let some of them become politicians, and that's the one idea I will have in my mind as I make my way towards the voting booth in a few days. Real friends don't let friends think about the candidate's breasts or their personalities when they go to vote. But first, I need another drink to soothe my conscience and clear my head before I vote in the right person for the job.

Strike Three

Dear Mr. Shaw,

I must say, I was quite shocked by the response that my first article for the Oregon Commentator generated. I had not seen the new issue for a few days after it came out, and so on my way back from class I picked one up at the kiosk. When I opened it to page seven, I was speechless for a moment; shocked that someone took my article seriously. Then, after the initial shock, I knew what I had to do. I wanted to beat you so badly that you would spend the rest of your life slurping Gerber's through a straw. I was rather angry that someone would slander me as you did. After an hour or so, I calmed down , and decided to write you this letter. The reason for this response is to clear up some of the untruths and slanderous material I found throughout your letter, which I have quoted.

Chris Aster needs to quit sniffing glue.

Now, that is the first statement you make. Just to clear things up, I do not sniff glue. I smoke a little bit of weed, drink some, but that's about it. I hear you have a slight drinking problem. I have even been informed that you may have scoriosis of the liver from all that schwillin', but I don't take much stock in rumors. However, if that is true, you might want to go to the doctor about that. Really, I 'm quite concerned. Where would the Boycott Burmese Teak be if you were to become seriously ill?

It's apparent Chris has never actually had a job.

Now with that little chunk of knowledge, you couldn't have been farther from the truth. I may not have been waiting tables or working in a bookstore or something, but I know what work is. That is, if you considered working on a cattle ranch work. I don't know what incredibly strenuous job you hold, but I have a feeling it isn't that difficult. I have a sneaking you don't even know what work is. Real work is bucking 100 pound bails of hay onto a truck, real work is shoveling cow crap for 8-12 hours a day. What do you do? Are you a waiter at Coffee People? Or do you work at a grocery store? I bet picking up those dirty coffee cups, or taking inventory of Chef Boyardee ravioli really puts a strain on you. I bet you hate your job too, huh? How much do you make? Wanna know much I made working on that ranch since I was 10 years old? Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nada. Bupkus. I did it because I lived in the country, and I lived on a ranch during the summer, it was a given that I would help feed the cows, shovel the crap, and bail the hay. I did it because I had a responsibility to my family and all of those around me, and I did it for 3 years until we moved to Cleveland and 2 years when we got back. When I lived in Cleveland, I interned at the mailroom of a trade show company. I didn't get paid for that either. I did that just so I could have something to put on my resume besides "ranch hand". After working on the ranch for a while when we got back, I went to work in the mailroom of Hyundai Semiconductor of America. I would usually end up working 10 hour days and they paid me very, very well (they pay all of their employees quite well, I bet they'd even hire YOU). So Jeff, what do you do?

Just because mummy and daddy pay the bills for you, fucko, doesn't give you the right talk shit about things you don't know about. Maybe shipping jobs overseas doesn't affect you, chump, but it does affect a lot of hardworking people who crap bigger than you .

Ouch. Geez man, you didn't have to get personal but you did (I wish I could wag my finger at you, but you can't really express that on paper). First off, yes, my folks do pay for my schooling. And ya' know what? I'm glad that they can. My father grew up in the ghetto down in Los Angeles, his father died when he was 13, leaving his family of five in heavy debt. He built himself up from nothing; he fulfilled the American Dream, the dream that people like you want to destroy. I am proud to say that my folks pay for my college. My folks never went to college; my dad never finished high school. Nothing in the world gives me as much pride to know that I live in a nation where a man can pull himself up by his bootstraps, create a successful life out of nothing. This can only be accomplished in this nation. This is what makes this nation great, and it hurts me to know that you and your ilk do no understand this. I don't know, I guess I'm just one of those wierdos that gets a tear in my eye whenever I have the privilege to place my right hand over my heart and listen to someone sing the Star Spangled Banner at a ball game. Oh well, I guess I just think America is a damn fine place to live, and I consider myself lucky I was born in the most incredible, beautiful country in the whole wide world.

Now, I shall respond to the next little bit of your tirade. I am glad that American companies ship jobs overseas, and do you know why? Well, no, of course you don't. You have already shown your ignorance quite effectively. I will be kind enough to tell you why. They provide jobs in nations where unemployment runs rampant, and the economies are such a mess that Alan Greenspan (you know who he is, right?) would start to schvitz like a horse if he looked at their budget. Companies like Nike and IBM help improve the quality of life in third world nations by paying their employees more than most jobs they could get, and providing high quality health care for their employees and their families. I will say, that the people who work in these factories in nations like Laos and Mexico do not have salaries like we do in the United States. This is true, Jeff, folks like you seem to have this nasty habit of believing that all cultures should mirror American standards and values. This is presumptuous of us to think we have the only culture that has any value above others, that our way is the only true way. These multinational companies improve the stability of the governments of these nations by building up the strength of their economies. By doing this, they encourage the onset of (uh-oh) capitalism and (god forbid) democracy. IBM helps its workers continue their education in Mexico by offering the same graduate school tuition as they do in the US to qualified candidate employees. If one of their employees wants to go back to school, IBM will pay for it. McDonalds helps get people of the government dole, and by doing this, it helps raise their self-esteem and confidence in themselves.

As if his inability to write (or punctuate for God's sake) weren't enough of a distraction, he wonders why the "misinformed" at the UO aren't protesting companies like Pepsi. Well, dumbfuck, it's because Pepsi GAVE IN to our demands last year. They pulled their factories out of Burma, which is run by the most human rights violating dictatorship in the world. If you're going to write, write about stuff you're paying attention to.

I don't know why you, OF ALL PEOPLE, would question my writing talents. I mean, gibe me a break man, your claim to "fame" is the humor you write on Wednesdays for the Oregon Daily Emerald (for God's sake man, you write for the Emerald!). Oh wait, what do you mean it isn't a humor column? It isn't? Oh, my bad. With titles like "Give Nike Money to aid Asian students," and with lines like "This year marks the 10th anniversary of something very important in the Nestle "boycott" I'm sure you can see how I made that mistake. Since you don't write a humor column, what is that stuff that the great Mike "my cat is soft and fuzzy" Schmierbach lets you spew all over the editorial page? Am I to believe that the (lemme think of a good word) propaganda that you write is to be taken seriously? I sincerely hope not. What kind of a future do you see in your writing? I hate to be the one to give you the bad news, but the Cuban edition of Pravda is not accepting employment applications anymore. You can't write for college rags after you leave college, so what are you going to do? Will you be a professional debater (wearing that dumb blue blazer and grungy Cubs hat for the rest of your life)? Write pamphlets for the ACLU? Maybe, you can be the next Unabomber! That is a lofty goal, and if you set your mind to it, you just might succeed.

I am very, very glad to know that Pepsi pulled out of Burma as according to YOUR demands. Did you know that all of American corporations that were in Burma are no longer there? I sure hope so, since it was YOUR demands that they were giving in to. You must be one powerful guy, having multinational conglomerates giving in to YOUR demands. It has nothing to do with the United States government and the European Community condemning the human-rights practices of Burma. Nah, those guys are lightweights. Fancois Mitterand? Tony Blair? Bill Clinton? These guys are nothing compared to you Jeff. You (and whatever "activist" group helped you influence international policy towards Burma) have all the clout, man. That' why I'm quakin' in my Nikes when I'm writing about you. I never when a black helicopter is going to swoop down and launch a missile through my dorm window.

There are a couple more discrepancies I could correct, but I've gone on long enough. I'm goin to finish this up with questions about the future. What kid of future do you have Jeff? You don't. You don't have a future because you don't know how to think realistically. You and people who think like you believe this world should be a utopia, but this will never happen. I'm sure you would be ecstatic if we lived in Huxley's Brave New World, but it won't happen anytime soon. It just isn't realistic. Do you ever think about the real world Jeff? I bet it scares the living hell out of you. You are going to leave college someday, and actually deal with reality, and real people. How do you sleep at night knowing this? I don't think you do. I think you just pass out after drowning your fear and loathing in cheap Rye and Hamms. If you haven't discerned it already, I don't like you. People like you live to spread ignorance and rhetoric, like the communist propaganda you write for the Emerald. So Jeff, all I can do is wish you good luck, because you will venture into the real world, and it will devour you alive.

Sincerely,

Christopher David Aster Lowly Staff Writer

OREGON COMMENTATOR