Nobody Asked Us, But...

Room 22, er, 222

Ah, Seaside. Where the men are men and the seagulls never crap on a Republican. This past weekend, several of our intrepid staffers went to check out the Dorchester Conference. Dorchester is ostensibly an annual gathering of moderate Republicans but is in reality an excuse to get together and get thoroughly pie-eyed on booze provided by people who think just because you drink their liquor that you will agree with them later on.

There were, of course, actual events--candidate debates, discussions of issues, speeches--but all these things were studiously avoided by our staffers in favor of things like drinking, recovering from hangovers and long romantic walks on the beach. The only exceptions to this strict non-attendance policy were Bob Packwood's speech (really, if you had been there you would have gone too), former Massachusetts Governor William Weld (they were serving dinner) and the Tent Show, the annual showcase of Republican wit and humor (i.e. something that is often funny by virtue of the fact that it is not funny). This year the Tent Show featured a duded-up warbler of Mark Russell-type political parodies who looked and sounded for all the world like Dave Frohnmayer, albeit a slightly sauced Dave Frohnmayer.

In between were two nights of debauchery punctuated by verbal abuse, an incidence of shoe-throwing and some porn (hey, we were as surprised as you to find out that CRs do, in fact, watch porn, if only the soft-core variety and only when accompanied by two cases of Hamm's bottles).

So was it worth it? As one senior OC staffer put it, "I drank my thirty-five dollar registration fee's worth of free booze the first night." So yes, yes it was.

Apple-Scented Rapier Wit

So I was taking a piss on November 30 in the EMU and I came upon a moment of clarity. I have the power to stop rapiers in my hand.

All this time, all these years--worrying about the day straight two-edged swords of the 16th and 17th centuries with a narrow pointed blade used chiefly for thrusting would seduce my professors, rewrite my exams, fail all students with last names starting with K, take over the University, and have sex with random machetes--I've had the power and didn't even know it.

Suddenly, as a result of my revelation, the future seemed bright, the economy seemed strong, and I felt as though I was back in control of my life. Wait! What do you mean...

Birchers v. Black Helicopters

In an e-mail sent to the ASUO student program list, Dave Kellet of the Model UN, made public his reservations about his club's participation in this year's Take Back the Night March. It seems that Dave want's to march alongside the women instead of behind them. The response from the Women's Center was full of history and dates. Like how the first Take Back the Night March was in Italy in 1979. It goes on to tell us about the first march in the United States. It happened in San Francisco in 1978.

Back to the Model UN, they won't be participating in this year's Take Back the Night March because of some useless UN resolution. Dave, I have a suggestion for you. In the spirit of the ASUO, why doesn't the Model UN sponsor a Take Back the Afternoon March, or if that time doesn't work out for you try Take Back the Morning.

However you better get crackin' on that. Just yesterday one of our Freemason spies in the John Birch Society proposed the very same thing. Or was that just a drunk College Republican suggesting the bombing of the Model UN office...