Half-Baked, Part II

Much like the ASUO, yeast infections are minor, oozing, irritating, recurrent problems that are often solved with ointment.

So you're probably saying to yourself, "Self, how can I be sure that I am harboring this life-giving infection?" Well, can you recognize the sight of cottage cheese and the scent of baking bread? If you can, and you find yourself giving into these senses regularly, you probably have a yeast infection, or as Lithuanians, Zairians, New Guineans and Texans like to call it, Candida Albicans.

Candida Albicans, a young, go-getting yeast fungus, normally grows in harmless quantities in a healthy woman's rectum and vagina. On weekends, this young, go-getting yeast fungus spend time drinking with his friends, eating sandwiches at the corner shop and taking long walks on the beach. He likes politics, and has made frequent visits to the White House. His mother and father, Mr. and Mrs. Albicans, currently serve as ASUO President and vice-president.

A woman's system can become out of balance and the pH in the vagina may drop below its normal mildly acidic range (4.0 to 5.0). Around the time of the highly anticipated acid drops, the young, go-getting yeast-mongers like to gather in Times Square and count down the seconds before the Big Bread Basket in the Sky gently descends to its thousands upon thousands of adoring disciples. Yeastlike organisms grow profusely, and cause itching, burning, and a thick, white discharge which looks like cottage cheese and smells like baking bread.

Recently, at the State of the Union address, the esteemed Shogun Candida D. Albicans III spoke of the ever increasing risks and threats that plague the yeast juggernaut civilization. He spoke of deranged psychos who attract fledgling yeast infections to their cars with the promise of candy, and proceed to douse them with yogurt as a means of satisfying their pedophiliac obsessions with yeasty youth. He conceded that although the yogurt does not kill the yeast infection children, it disables their ability to fully function in their environments. The esteemed, venerable Shogun also spoke of the Black Rain Plague, or as it is known in more scientific circles, unsweetened cranberry juice. "I have seen villages of God-fearing yeast infections flooded, and scalded by this acidic lava of hell," he said in his address. "You have not known pain and suffering until you've looked into the eyes of a mother watching her young fungus slowly die at the hands of the devil's serum of suffering."

"Garlic," he warned, "is the epidemic of the future. Like earlier epidemics such as Monistat, Terazol, and Gynecure, garlic comes in a variety of packages and in a myriad of forms." He continued by stating that what separates garlic from past epidemics is that it is a retro-treatment. "As soon as we think we've identified it, it returns in a different form. We've seen it change from gauze-wrapped and vegetable oil-lubricated cloves of garlic to a simple misty breath of carbon dioxide to an Italian piece of bread," he wept. "Imagine, one of our own. One of our own!"

The venerable Shogun, Candida D. Albicans III, concluded his State of the Union address with his trademark warning, "When you yeast infections get really bad and party really hard, don't be surprised if you find yourselves swimming in vinegar and water."

Adding to the trademark, he said, "Midol has a douche with vinegar and water solution that can be bought and refilled. Let that be a lesson to you. Be wary. Be very wary."

At the conclusion of the address, throngs of thrush danced around hurdles of nystatin and gentian violet drops, and proceeded to have the largest kegger of the millennium. Although many of the old guard disapproved of the young fungi's cannibalistic tendencies, their opposition was offset by the fungi's claim that beer tastes really, really good, no matter how many of their brothers have to die to make it. But Old E still tastes like ass. So does Corvallis.

And to be frank, you, kind sir, have a yeast infection.

Frequently Asked Questions

• Other Names:
  Yeast infection; fungus or candida vaginitis; monila.
• What is it?
  Candidiasis or "yeast infection" is caused by a small fungus. Healthy women normally have small numbers of them in the vagina. Sometimes the numbers grow and cause such problems as vaginal itching, burning, a heavy, curdy, white discharge, and even pain when having sex.
• How did I get it?
  Tight clothing, severe obesity, warm weather, stress, antibiotics, birth control pills, pregnancy, diabetes and steroids can all cause increased numbers of yeast. The infection is not usually spread by sexual contact, though it can be.
• What can it do to me?
  Candidiasis is not usually dangerous.
• Does treatment work?
  Not always. It may be necessary to find out why you have increased numbers of yeast in the vagina.
• Could I give it to other people?
  Yes. Sometimes yeast infection can cause a painful swelling of the tip of the penis in men. This can be treated with an antifungal cream.
• When can I have sex again?
  As soon as the signs have gone away.

  Remember: Yeast is a nuisance infection.

  Schiznatic Jack, a schiznit schiznatifying in Schiznatificational Studies is the schiznit writer for the Commentator