Another Perspective

Dick: Man Attached, Personality Optional

We wouldn't need a Conduct Code if people would just stop being assholes.

This issue of the Commentator deals heavily with the Student Conduct Code, particularly its aspects relating to sex. This would seem to imply that students conduct sex. This seems to be a misnomer to me as it appears that most people (students and otherwise) do not conduct sexual relations so much as blindly, painfully stumble through them.

Perhaps we should, then, establish a code to ensure proper behavior when engaging in non-communicative, purely hormonal sexual relationships. I would propose the following rules as a starting point:

1. Never communicate about real feelings.
   This one seems obvious. If you tell your partner(s) how you really feel, then you are setting yourself up for rejection. After all, you're a freak and dating "normal" people is your only hope for acceptance.

2. Practice and expect mind reading.
   This is really an extension of Rule #1. The more you fret about worrying your S.O. (Significant Other) the more they will worry about exceeding your boundaries and you will end up with an all-American white bread sex life. Fear will predominate, jealousy will rule and W.A.S.P. values will have their field day. Just remember, if they really loved you, they would know what you want without you having to tell them.

3. Play on insecurities.
   Use sexual insecurity as a way to allow pushiness to break down resistance. Cleverly manipulate attachment disorders. Create a situation where your partner(s) is jealous so you can come back to them and "prove" your love. Make sure to exploit people's fears about appearance or acceptance.

4. Assume everything is couched in subtle code phrases.
   "No" means "maybe" with enough compliments, "maybe" means "yes" with enough foreplay or alcohol, and "yes" means "screw the foreplay, whip it out and take me now." No one ever says what they really mean in relationships. It is all a zero-sum game where the end game results in mating and the middle game is all pawn-trading. Lack of verbal consent is obviated with an arch of the eyebrow or an obvious display of thigh.

5. Lie to them about your past.
   Nothing excites a relationship more than a cloudy past. Make your partner(s) believe that you are their teacher/pet. Don't tell your partner(s) about any positive or negative relationship experiences that you might have had; they will only remind your partner(s) that they are not the alpha and omega of your sex life. Particularly remember to ignore instances of unsafe sex practices in yourself and your partners. Those you truly love and desire could not possibly be at risk for sexually-transmitted diseases; those are only acquired and transmitted by nasty, ugly people.

6. Remember that your desires are paramount.
   The person near you wouldn't be there if their pleasure and yours wasn't intertwined. They understood all of your subtle signals and they share a secret channel of communication with your desires and return them equally.

7. Remember that desires never change.
   If they desired you once, they desire you now even if they argue to the contrary. Someone merely convinced them that they should feel otherwise. You know that they want you; all it takes is a little persuasion. Get them into the groove and they melt like chocolate. If it werenąt for persuasion, the human race would never continue; the prudes would win.

8. All boundaries are flexible.
   Breaking your partner's boundaries merely tests which ones are important. Sure they said that certain things were important, but how do they know they are important until you test the limits? "Inviolate" should not be a word in your vocabulary. Push them and don't talk to them. They must reach your level of consciousness on their own without communication or guidance.

9. Betray trust.
   It sounds simple, but there are so many ways to do it. A real artist can hurt someone by violating an unwritten agreement and hurt them again by convincing them that their expectations were unreasonable and that they should feel guilty for being mad.

10. Assault them.
    This one lacks subtlety, but is a very common relationship choice. Extra points are awarded for those who assault someone and then convince them it was the fault of the assaulted person for making the assaulter so angry. Hmmm... that gets the relationship off to a good start. Fear, jealousy, possession, miscommunication, emotional domination, these are the hallmarks of young relationships. I love the smell of co-dependence in the morning.

It may have occurred to some of you that the previous writing was tongue-in-cheek. Sadly, I feel that too many of the points represent strategies amongst our brethren. It is really quite tragic that we live in a time and place where something like a written code of conduct is required. Why do we need a Student Conduct Code when it can all be summed up by a single phrase: Don't Be An Asshole!

I understand that some people might find this to be a vague idea (although I find it no more vague than the legal idea of a "reasonable person"). So I therefore offer some thoughts on how not to be an asshole:

1. Don't assume that your way is right.
   I violate this caveat to some extent by writing this article. While I admit that I can be an asshole, I also try to admit the validity of others' concerns and listen to their point of view.

2. Understand that love transcends the limits of your little mind.
   I have the privilege to be reminded of this every day by the most wonderful woman in the world (my wife). I suspect that no human has yet to learn the limits of passion and love. My degree in math never taught me that love divided is love multiplied, yet I have certainly found it to be true. There are no limits to the extent of people or time that may be enveloped in the depths of a loving heart.

3. Jealousy is a teacher, not a friend or enemy.
   Jealousy will not lead you to a loving relationship. Jealousy will not damn you as an unloving person. Jealousy will guide you to the pains encouraged by a society that encourages possession and the stifling of happiness. Understand your jealousy and you understand the barriers between yourself and joy.

4. No means no, even when it means, well, no.
   Except in certain pre-arranged S&M encounters, a negative answer to a romantic or sexual proposition means NO! Why anyone chooses to ignore this axiom is beyond me. I cannot see how coercion can foster more than an hour or two of pleasure for even the coercing party. It seems to me that mutual respect provides a better long-term prospect for sexual gratification. Yet it appears that many people continue to labor under the delusion that coerced sexual encounters will make your prospective partner(s) understand what a truly wonderful lover you are.

5. Try talking, and then try communicating.
   As an exercise, try going through a week and count the number of times when you feel some way about something and then actually say it. Try discussing one fantasy and one fear with a person who matters to you. Then try it with the person the fantasy or fear applies to. Note that this only works well if you are honest with yourself. I feel that a great deal of harm is caused in this world by the inability of many people to express those things which are most important to them.

6. Respect.
   Respect your partner(s) Respect yourself. Respect relationships.

Only a small proportion of the Student Conduct Code actually deals with behavior in relationships, yet it seems to be the most volatile part of the document. There are so many barriers to honest communication about sexual matters that any code which deals explicitly with sexual behavior is bound to encounter resistance and meet with many failures. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to encourage, even demand, responsibility in sexual behavior. We can each start by remembering a few simple things: honesty, respect, understanding, and communication.

Judah McAuley, big man on campus, is a featured columnist for the Oregon Commentator