Editorial

Whiskey Talk

There is nothing more entertaining, nor more American, than tearing down public property, stomping it into oblivion and maybe urinating on the remains. Of course that all seems like a little less fun when you're sobering up on the cold concrete floor of the Eugene pokey because you've just been kicked off one of the hard (but less chilly) wooden benches by a real bad-ass who still has teeth imbedded in his knuckles from a bar brawl.

A few kids learned this hard lesson last Friday when they got a wee bit out of hand and started ripping up stop signs, lampposts and bus stops down on 17th. We know what it's like to be turned away from a party by a host claiming that the "kegs went dry a half hour ago." (even though you can see through the door that people are filling cups at one of those little silver globes of Love). It's frustrating, especially if you know damn well the lying bastard has nine or ten other kegs back there too. Even so, giving the cops an excuse to use that wholesale tear gas before the expiration date ain't so bright there, Jasper.

Unfortunately, it seems that a lack of clear thinking-nay, shall we say outright stupidity? - is not exclusive to rampaging mobs of drunken youths. This same quality has been demonstrated by a (presumably) sober Mayor Jim Torrey following the most recent Halloween riots.

Torrey, along with other city elders, suggested several measures to prevent similar hijinks in the future; two of which were of a highly dubious nature. The most patently ludicrous and offensive suggestion, however, was that any student involved in a riot be expelled. To his credit, UO Vice President Dan Williams waffled on the proposal, saying that the University's jurisdiction in such a matter would be "unclear."

But let's stop being indignant for a moment to imagine the conversation that generated this asinine suggestion. Perhaps it went like this:

"So, Dan I was thinking that maybe we could just, y'know, kick these troublemakers out of school."

"I don't know Jim. I'm seeing possible legal issues here."

"Ah, what the hell, if they say anything we'll pull some strings, maybe get them into OSU. Give 'em a one term tuition waiver and a free pair of shit-kickers and you'll have 'em screaming 'Go Beavers' faster than pigeon crap wipes off my helmet hair."

"Yeah well I still think that this could blow up - pass that Wild Turkey over here - blow up in our faces at some point."

"C'mon, what student can afford a lawyer?"

"Jesus, Torrey, there's not a drop of this whiskey left! IT looks like you got that little forked tongue of yours all the way down into this bottle and actually licked it clean. You've gotta realize it'll only take one suit to sink us, though, and some of those California kids have rich parents and shitty attitudes."

"I think we can work around that. I want to stress that I'm not making demands here; I'm just asking you to consider this stuff. It's still your campus."

"I'm serious, Torrey. I'm not getting, like, even a scent of whiskey out of this here bottle. What the hell did you do?"