Feature

The Official Commentator Riot Guide

Tired of a few skittish cops turning a mildly out of control party into a life threatening riot? Do your tear ducts still burn a little after last weekend's big soiree? Well, dammit the cops are going to bust up your party anyway so you might as well validate their aggression. Just follow the steps below to ensure a proper riot. By the time you're done the EPD won't be using tear gas, they'll resort to Napalm...

Step 1: Throw a party
(obviously)...

Step 2: Invite people.
Go down to campus at least a week in advance and invite people so there is plenty of time for word to spread. Also, go down to the Circle K on 13th and High a couple of times around 2 a.m. and invite whoever is there. This will ensure a proper cross-section of misanthropes as well as making your party compliant with ADA statutes.

Step 3: Booze.
Get plenty of it. At least two kegs, but three or four would be better. Remember, be judicious about your beer selection. We suggest pure, unadulterated liquid anger, a.k.a. Olde English 800--which is hard to find in kegs, but well worth it. Supplement this with plenty of Wild Turkey and you can't help but achieve a state of religious belligerence. Then, if you're feeling really randy at this point and ready for a bit of the ol' ultraviolence, inject some crystal meth into your thigh and begin handing out cigarettes laced with PCP to random guests.

Now at this point, you're probably saying, "Four kegs! Illicit drugs! How can I afford all this?" Well, be creative. And if you're as big an alcoholic as we think you are, a good start would be to take back all the beer cans you already have lying around the house. Just be careful to save any bottles you may have accumulated. You'll need something to throw when the cops arrive. Those shiny blue and red keg cups just don't do much harm.

Step 4: Music.
Good music is always a factor at any good party, but especially this one. We suggest rotating a few classics such as N.W.A..'s "Fuck the Police," "Cop Killer" by Ice T and almost anything by Public Enemy about once every fifteen minutes. Not only will this have a powerful subliminal effect, but it should also thoroughly annoy any belligerent guests. But remember, save the best for last. As soon as the police surround the house, put the speakers to the window and pop in the anthem/brilliant political commentary "Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine. Ideally, by the end of the song you will have hundreds of party guests bouncing up and down in time chanting the song's mantra, "Fuck You I Won't Do What You Tell Me" just as the tear gas canisters begin rolling across the floor.

Step 5: Instigation.
Bear in mind that riots don't happen--they're incited. At the party go around giving pep talks. A little pep never hurt anyone. Then you've got to go around instigating. Get people to drink more (especially those underage girls who brought their own wine coolers). Then just start yelling. Anything that comes to mind. The more abstract the better. Why, you may ask? Hell, we don't know.

Step 6: Gas masks.
Used Israeli gas masks can be affordably obtained at any one of several army surplus stores in Springfield. These should be distributed to the most belligerent of your guests because, hey, they can't fight back if they're incapacitated. Check to make sure the charcoal filters are in good shape before purchase.

Now we finally come to the point where the cops show up. If you have followed these steps properly and you have enough of the right people at your house the whole thing should just work itself out beautifully. But don't call us for any bail money.