Not Worthy

Clash of the Titans

The sky was the color of old dimes. As the combatants took sides on either end of the Esslinger field, one could almost feel the ghost of Vince Lombardi in the intermittent rain. They all knew what was at stake here--bragging rights for an entire year. The loser of the soccer match between the ASUO Executive and Student Senate would have a blot on their escutcheon that no group of self-respecting, humorless and extremely petty student bureaucrats could bear.

And so they clashed; let loose like mongrels from hell, slashing across the field in pursuit of the synthetic leather orb. They kicked it some. They kicked each other. But most of all, they slipped on wet grass and fell.

One couldn't help noticing that this match brought out their savage, competitive nature. The excessive mud only made them look feral, primordial and exposed them as the dirty, dirty people they truly are.

When the rain stopped and clothes were changed, it was far from over. By a score of 4-2 the Exec had won--for now. Bloodlust is still in the Senate's eyes. Sleep lightly, Suite four, sleep lightly.

Hyundai Hijinks

Living in the dorms is not easy. Things tend to get cramped and claustrophobic and it's made all the worse by bad neighbors. This is why I was so disappointed to step out of my room the other day to find two signs on either side of the door across the hall shouting, "Down with Hundai!" I was most disappointed that our little political activist had mispelled it, and let him know it was spelled "Hyundai."

Within minutes he had new signs up with the correct spelling. I guess this kid's committed! His sign started attracting fellow activists from around the building, and I could hear vaguely through the door discussions of OSPIRG protests and letter-writing campaigns.

I'm not terribly familiar with this whole Hyundai thing, having just arrived in town, but from what I've heard, Hyundai has built or wants to build a factory somewhere around here on a wetland. Well, isn't that something? What a convenient little local environmental issue to get all worked up about!

I've noticed the people most vehemently opposed to this Hyundai thing tend to be the exact sort of hippy-dippy psuedo-activist creatures who would want to buy a small, cheap, economical car... like, say, a Hyundai. I presume they'd happily buy a Hyundai if it was built on some wetland in Indonesia, or even in Kentucky like those Toyotas. Then they'd plaster it with those nice little bumper stickers that try to break down all the complexities of major political issues into handy, chantable slogans.

So we have a classic case of what George Carlin called the NIMBY syndrome: Not In My Back Yard. I guess all those activists will have to settle for a Geo built by foreigners on foreign wetlands; at least until they find out about some sort of horrible practice by Geo. Eventually they'll be left with nothing but wicker sandals to get around in. The simple fact is that all corporate practices are evil to some degree, and since we demand them, we are evil. So you might as well get used to it. A world with no unfairness would be a boring one indeed!

So this is basically the reason I made signs picturing a classic 1972 Ford Mercury Montego and the slogan "Up With Ford!" and put them on the wall by my door. I could have said "Up With Hyundai," but I hate those little dirt-bag shopping carts.