Spew
On We Don't Want to Know
They'll take oral sex from a woman and they won't have to spend the night. And they don't have to entre a woman's body.--Alyssa Milano in Details. They don't? We don't know what Ms. Milano's idea of oral sex is but we don't it involves her stellar communication abilities.
By the way, I got my first blow job in the tenth grade.
--From David Lee Roth's new autobiography. By the way, in the tenth grade we seem to remember that everyone who listened to Van Halen being labeled a social outcast without a change of getting laid despite their bitchin' Camero.
On Obsessions
Can we get Scott Baio in this issue?--Senator Kent Black. Is this enough for you Kent?
On Charm
Let me pass [the petition] around and you can all sign it otherwise I'll think you're an asshole.--Senator Jenna Wasson using her subtle charm to win friends and influence people.
I'm flattered that you called me a thug. I feel so empowered.
--More Jenna Wasson. If that's what it means to be empowered, then we're the OG's of empowerment. Excelsior!
On Missing Papers
Sure. What do you want me to say?--Executive Representative Lisa Allen upon being asked for an Executive recommendation concerning several nominees for ASUO posts. Actually this is an appropriate response seeing that since the Executive nominated all these people you'd pretty much think they feel those candidates are right for the jobs, eh?
On Compassion
I was going to call the cops, but I was afraid they would tear gas you.--The neighbors of two Commentator staffers the morning after they threw a party which looked like Calcutta the day they give out free malaria shots. Good thing the cops were busy with another party and another staffer that night.
On How do These Quotes Relate?
A less endowed friend of mine was persuaded to lie on her back, stick wide brimmed champagne glasses on her breasts, giving her boyfriend the glasses hold firm on her perfect 34Bs.--From Fondle With Care: A User's Guide to Breasts. She's got a fine bouquet and sturdy legs! Drink up, baby!
Announcing a birth control pill that's also a beauty aid.
--From glossy insert in the October 7 issue of the ODE. The final plan for world domination by sororities has now been set in motion, flee while you still can!
On Campus Icons
Frog hangs out around campus, hawking books of his jokes for 5 or 10 cents a copy.--from Rolling Stone's October 16 issue. 5 or 10 cents? Since when? He's not that crazy.
On Attitude
Can we clap please?--A petulant Senator Geneva Wortman after the Senate confirmed candidates to the PFC and Constitution Court. Everybody clapped.