Not Worthy

The Legends of Room 205

While doing some shopping the other day, I had the pleasure of running into a former Commentator staffer whom we'll call Chris K... no, that won't do, let's call him C. Kenning... ahhhh, fuck it. Anyway, I was more eager than obliged to talk to him since I saw the illustrious journalist far less than I did in the glory days when he used to work at the OC. Chris had since moved on to the greener but heavily fertilized pastures of the Oregon Daily Emerald and I of course wanted to know how he was doing up on the third floor. I am ever curious as to how that hellbroth of glorified press releases and invertebrate opinions manages to circulate around campus daily.

But as curious as I am about the ODE, it's sort of a fleeting train wreck curiosity. As journalists, the OC simply doesn't perceive them as a threat; roughly the same way that 60 Minutes is afraid of being scooped by Access Hollywood. It's not a two-way street, though. Talking to Chris in the store that day, he told me how at an Emerald staff party that was winding down (I guess no matter how drunk they got the impressionable young copy editing staff, they still wouldn't wax you-know-who's rod), someone happened to mention that Chris used to write for the Commentator and for the rest of the night he was deluged with questions about how the OC works, half expecting tales of human sacrifice and Masonic ceremonies. Those who think we hide in the shadows only to emerge every two weeks and lash out savagely, are sorely misguided. Chris, who worked at the Commentator for several months, was dumbfounded. "I don't get it," he told me, "there is such a myth surrounding the Commentator."

Yes, yes there is. A carefully earned and cultivated myth at that. However, the assumption that we have something to hide behind the OC legend is laughable. The truth is embarrassing enough, and a careful cross-reference of OC staff lists with Lane County arrest records will attest to that. So rather than regale you, gentle reader, with sordid tales of debauchery (like the time our former publisher sat in jail for two days for uprooting stop signs and indecent exposure, or the time a former associate editor got that girl in the Catholic school uniform at Rennie's to "show us her tattoos," or the time we drank... oh, never mind) I will simply take a little time and do the unthinkable--dispel the Commentator myth. I hope you still respect us in the morning.

MYTH:
The people who work at the Commentator are drunk and belligerent.

FACT:
Okay, so we are drunk and belligerent. But to simply say that we are belligerent is misleading. Drunken belligerence is a state that we regard as religious in both focus and purpose. We are quite accustomed to functioning in this mode, although we do not recommend that anyone attempt to do this recreationally. Alcohol simultaneously recharges and fuels our essence, the way that Masai warrior might drink ibogaine soup or lick a hallucinogenic toad before heading into battle. Or something.

MYTH:
Everyone at the Commentator is a hard-line _______. (Insert: social conservative, member of the John Birch Society, Republican foot soldier, Libertarian party member, elitist, KKK, Nazi, etc.)

FACT:
We don't know what everyone on staff thinks about every issue and quite frankly, we don't care. When you see that an article was written "by Whoever" that means that the following opinions are the writer's and not the magazine's. Editors often disagree with writers, but we publish any opinion that we feel is valid and a quality piece of writing (and/or fills space). Of course there is an overarching issue of deflating the reactionary and anti-commonsensical political views that seem to infect college campuses, but we don't have to induce anyone to write about that. Believe it or not, they actually think this way. Sad but true.

MYTH:
Everyone at the Commentator owns an assault weapon.

FACT:
To tell the truth, we all--wait, it's probably better that we keep you guessing about this one.

MYTH:
We make fun of people and write crude jokes about sensitive issues because we wish to deliberately hurt specific people and/or set back race/gender relations 200 years.

FACT:
No, we write them because they are funny, asshole. Don't flatter yourself. If we make fun of you or your pet issue, step back and take a look at the situation objectively. There's probably a good reason that people are laughing. Calm down, remove your web page and learn from the experience. We're even open to the idea of you--gasp!--making a joke at our expense. If you are unable to do that, deal with it. If Larry Flynt can write about Jerry Falwell screwing his mom in an outhouse, we can get away with damn near anything. As the ever wise Frank Zappa said, "If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em."

MYTH:
Since its inception, the Commentator has been plotting to destroy OSPIRG and student government as we know it.

FACT:
Actually, we've only been doing this for the last six years or so. But we don't hit below the belt, so you deluded ASUO liegeman and turnspits should be able to sleep at night.

MYTH:
The OC controls the Student Senate.

FACT:
No, just the ombudsman and vice-president.

MYTH:
You have to have a penis that is twelve inches long before you can become an editor at the Commentator.

FACT:
It's outlandish stories like this that make people fear the Commentator and unfairly antagonize us. There's no reason you should feel inadequate on our account. For the record, mine is a damn sight short of eleven and a quarter and Farrah's is a mere nine inches. Jeeeesh! Some people.