Editorial

Let This Be a Lesson To You

Okay, we know we're confusing sometimes, so here's our effort at redemption.

So, in an effort to both illuminate our muddled jargon for the masses, and yet simultaneously buy us the right to continue to use said jargon, we offer a definition of terms.

Suite Four
This is also referred to as Gerbil Habitrail, a Tool Box, a Rat Trap, a Waste of Money. It is, simply, the office of the ASUO Executive and its staff.

ASUO Executive
These are the rats in the trap, the tools in the box, the gerbils in the habitrail, and the elected, hired and appointed officers of the student government. The Exec generally refers to the offices of the ASUO President and Vice-president. If they've done something stupid or wrong, however, they will refer to the entire office staff as the Exec in an effort to pass the buck.

ASUO
Associated Students of the University of Oregon. You pay for it, you elect your representatives, you get almost nothing back.

The Incidental Fee
Perhaps you've noticed this on the itemization of costs you received upon acceptance to this fine institution. This fee, at about $450, is anything but "incidental" and pays for about 80 student groups to provide programs and support to any niche group on campus. If you're Asian and female, you shouldn't have to just hold joint membership in the Asian Pacific-American Student Union and the Women's Center--you should join the United Women of Asian Heritage. But wait! They folded. Guess you'll have to start another group.

The incidental fee also pays for those "free" tickets to sports events, and Dusty Miller's EMU fiefdom.

EMU
Erb Memorial Union. Not a rare and unintelligent bird literally, though perhaps figuratively, and not a student union. It's a community center that the community doesn't pay for--we do. It also houses a vast network of corruption and idiocy in the form of the ever more space consuming EMU administration, student programs and the ASUO Exec.

The most intelligent people in the building are in the EMU Childcare Center.

The Big 4 Ethnic Student Unions
Black Student Union, Asian Pacific-American Student Union, Native American Student Union, MEChA‹Movimiento Estudianti Chicanos de Aztlan.

The Overrealized Fund
Well, it doesn't actually exist. It's the money put into a reserve fund for undetermined purposes and emergencies when the enrollment is greater than expected, and thus more fees than necessary are collected. Sorry folks, it's been tapped.

AD
Athletic Department.

Johnson Hall
The UO Administration building.

Oregon Hall
The UO Collection Agency. Student services, the registrar, accounting and admissions are all housed there. There's even a cover charge.

Wild Turkey
Bourbon, served best in a pint glass with ice and Coke.

Max's
Even with the nasal problems that people encounter in the back parking lot, Max's is still the coolest dive in town.

Rennie's
Fries and hard alcohol. A porch.

Doc's
Hard alcohol and wings, video poker and cokeheads. Know them by the salt they put in their beers.

Squirrels
Not ideal pets, not ideal animals, not ideal editorial subjects.