Another Perspective

Too Random to be Final

With this, my reign of terror ends. Please tip the doorman on the way out.

In the words of the immortal Lone Ranger: "I must go now, my work here is done."

Well, actually, as most of us in the real world realize, when our work here is done, usually we leave behind various loose ends and unpleasant tasks with no tidy resolutions.

Such is the case with my reign as AP. I came into the job sort of by accident, and have managed to continue the job sort of by accident. There has been no grand design and no grand execution. I have had various aspirations and hopes for this column; some have been realized, while others never materialized.

As with the end of my reign at the Commentator, I also come to the end of my tenure at the UO. Three years as a student, one year as a faculty member. My final evaluation of the experience? Fair-to-middlin'. Slightly cloudy with sunshine breaks and a 70 percent chance of showers.

So, they said I should put together some final thoughts. Well, I've been in transition from one life phase to another (like many of you), so my thoughts are somewhat scattered. I've taken this opportunity to put fingers to keyboard regarding some of the big areas of thought, things I have wanted to say before (except I never found a spot for my story about the Kennedys and Pablo Escobar) but never really found a place for.

So these aren't necessarily well-written or completely coherent, but they will hopefully be interesting, shocking, or worthy of a few minutes of amusement.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

• Sex: Need more of it
• Drugs: Need more of it
• Alcohol: See drugs
• Rock and Roll: More funk, less whining

SEX:
What can I say? It's a lot of fun. I like it a lot. Vaginal, anal, oral, manual: all pursuits worthy of extended experimentation. I've rarely met a position that I didn't like.

And let me tell you about nipples. I like 'em perky. Rigid, sensitive, yearning to be tweaked and sucked. The simple variety that can be found in nipple and areola shape, size and sensitivity makes it obvious that nature designed humans to be sexually explorative.

Some people may dismiss my attentiveness as a simple oral fixation, but I believe that anyone with half an imagination can spend large amounts of time drooling over and on a succulent, well-formed breast (male or female).

The biggest problem with breasts, though, is distraction. Not only are there two of them (one distracting you from the other in rapid succession) but they are tantalizingly close to other regions of pleasurable dalliance such as the neck and lips.

I'm always surprised at how many people don't see the sensual potential in the graceful curve of a bare neck. I think it's more than a vampire influence, but the desire to bite down on an exposed neck is impossible to ignore. The feeling of your lover, as they collapse under the gentle pressure of your needy mouth, combines the most wonderful flavors of power and lust.

I greatly enjoy the paradoxical reaction of the body pressing itself into your mouth as you lick and bite your way up over the neck onto those succulent lips.

Lips are a great joy. I'm not really sure what function they have evolutionarily, but I'm sure glad that they ended up the way they have. I admit a preference for taut lips. I like them full and commanding. That's not to say that wet, loose-lipped sloppy kisses don't have their place, because they certainly do, but all of those sensitive muscles are obviously there to communicate, and the nuances of a taut-lipped kiss can speak volumes without uttering a word.

And the lips, especially when combined with the teeth and tongue in knowledgeable ways, are about the most versatile and stunning instruments of pleasure known to humankind.

The tongue itself is an amazing work of art and engineering, rivaling the hands in terms of complexity and the capacity for evoking squeals of ecstasy.

The design of the human body for pleasure gives me the most pause for consideration of a purposeful creation. The gentle curves of the calf and inner thigh positively scream to have fingernails run along them. It is the hallmark of elegant design, to have the form of a piece lead the user to the proper interaction with the piece, and the lower body does an incredible job of guiding eager hands and mouths to just the right spots.

The texture of skin is such a distinctive feel. It's not silk or satin. It's not cotton or velvet. It's not even quite suede or rayon. It is entirely its own unique fabric--one that serves an important function, yet also has an incredible tactile pleasure. And like the best of life's fabrics, it makes you want to rub your naked body all over it.

For sheer expanses of available flesh, I would have to say that the lower back and the stomach rank high on my list of deliciously magnetic body areas. In particular, the little depressions where the iliac crest connects to the stomach are a favorite spot for titillating torture. It's so gratifying to run your tongue along those curves and feel the sudden intake of breath and arch of the back.

Well, I know I haven't gotten to the pelvic region yet, but I've got to save something for personal questions, and I must get on to the other parts of the article. So here goes.

DRUGS:
Almost as enjoyable an alternative to reality as books. I enjoy getting high on life and then eating an eighth of shrooms. I believe that peyote should be handed out with earplugs at rock laser light shows. I believe that drug-induced hallucinations are a viable alternative to rational insight. I also think that they make sex a lot of fun (oh, wait, that was the previous rant. Sorry).

Drugs are good. Actually, some drugs are bad. Don't do the drugs that make you go really fast and then vomit and convulse. Those are bad drugs. Don't do bad drugs. Don't do drugs that aren't fun. Do good drugs. That is a command.

I am guilty of not having done enough drugs recently. I promise to do more. I am calling on you to also do more drugs. Together we can increase drug consumption and enjoyment levels to a new high (pun intended). Do it. Do it now.

ALCOHOL:
Alcohol is a drug. Alcohol is a fun drug, unless it makes your body do unpleasant things. That happened to me the other evening. Don't mix tequila, wine and beer. I don't know why they are bad together, but they are. Beer by itself is a good thing. Beer and bread are responsible for civilization. Consume them together, often, in appreciation for all that you have. Let the Yeast Goddesses know of your supplication to their divine byproduct. They have given their lives so that you may drink deeply and know true happiness. Also give homage to the fruit of Hops, for it gives flavor to all your worldly delights. Be respectful, and alcohol will deliver a lifetime of friendly visits.

ROCK AND ROLL:
Well, I think I said it all at the beginning. More funk, less whining.

Anyway, this article is running too long and, while I am trying, I don't think I'm going to be able to come up with a profound set of last words. Hope you had fun reading what I had fun writing. The only final thoughts I can come up with now are the ones that guided my articles the whole year: keep it varied and interesting. Never let them see what's coming. And with that I leave you with my standard parting message, courtesy of George Carlin:

"Toodleoo, Godspeed, Don't take any wooden nickels. And may the forces of Evil become confused on the way to your front door."

Judah McAuley, guest columnist for the Oregon Commentator thinks he's ready for the real world. We'll see.