Hate

I Hate Student Gov't

Sucking the very marrow that strengthens their bones and allows them to stand upright, Student Government is a self-inflicted cancer.

Have a say in University policy. Help decide where the student incidental fee goes. Get a fancy title after your name. How do you do these wonderful things? Just run for student government.

Yes, at one time, even I had aspirations to run for student government. It would be the start of a long and fruitful political career. My student senate seat would blossom into a successful campaign for ASUO Executive. After graduating, I could run for Eugene City Council all the while going to Graduate School. Eventually, I might land a coveted position as a lobbyist for some Massachusetts public interest group. Who knows, one day I might even become President of the United States. My plan to annex Canada and test nuclear weapons on Celine Dion can finally come true.

Suddenly my dream world shattered. I came to realize two things. First, I live in Springfield, not Eugene. That and my name isn't Bobby Lee or Ben Unger. So with my aspirations for public office dashed, there was only one thing I could do. Write about the fools that ended up running for student government.

But enough about my feeble dreams of power. This article is supposed to be about hating student elections. How do I hate thee, oh student elections, let me count the ways.

From the start of April until last week, all the talk has been centered on this year's student elections. From the Honesty Campaign to the Committee to Elect Tamir & Greg, it's all about postering and people taking down posters. Then of course, there was that jackass who threatened the Student Senate with "White Rage." The shit just never seemed to stop hitting the fan. So let's look at eachj little part of the elections one by one.

ASUO Executive
For me, this race seemed to be a no-brainer. The most experienced candidates were going to win. Hell, their names rhymed with a Beer & a Keg. What self-respecting Commentator editor could vote any other way? But alas, it seemed that this ticket was missing one key issue. Breasts. Hey, what can you do? (Drop your pants and get out of the race as one of our own did.) During the elections it seemed you couldn't walk 200 feet down 13th Ave. without running into one of these aspiring Presidential candidates. In the end, I was disappointed with the voting population. If you are going to vote for a candidate just because she's in a sorority, at least vote for the good looking one.

This year's executive race had all the makings of a real political campaign. Those with the most money survived the first round and those who cheated the most won the election. I mean, dead tennis balls as an object of value. Give me a fucking break. You know something is wrong when you spend $3000 on a losing effort. This for a job that only pays $400 a month. Will next year's Executive accomplish anything? Probably not. But at the very least, our President and Vice-President-elect should give us Commentator folks a lot to write about next year.

Student Senate
Why must people so incredibly unhip steal the funk from those who feel the bop? The vile monstrosity that called itself the Progressive "P-Funk" Slate swept most of the races they were involved in. What does this mean? Anotehr bunch of inexperienced dumb fucks controlling where our student taxes (incidental fees) go. But again, what can you do? We lost one of the few senators that actually listened to students. But there are some remnants of democratic thought left in the Student Senate. They will, however, have a senator who could actually hold a conversation with Boris Yeltsin.

Ballot Measures
This was the one aspect that brought a little joy to my life during student elections. By defeating the OSPIRG funding ballot measure, the students saved me almost ten dollars in tuition and fees for the next year. I promptly went out and spent that money on beer. Not just any beer, but damn good beer. You know, the beer that God himself drank on the seventh day. Guinness. Ah, Guinness, now that is something I could never hate. I mean, who could hate a beverage that can also serve as breakfast?

Despite the efforts of the P-Funk wannabes, the ASUO Vice-President, and our President-elect, OSPIRG was unable to convince the student body to turn off their brains this year. Now a committee of students wants to re-establish OSPIRG. Do they really think a bunch of made-up numbers are going to convince us they are worth $147,000?

White Rage
Early this election season the Senate received threatening e-mails from a person called Whitepower55. This person was traced to University computers. There was even some circumstantial evidence that pointed to a specific Unversity student. This problem eventually went away, and the KKK campaign at the UO never materialized. Or at least the KKK campaign that his e-mail outlined. Should we be worried about this person? No. This person is nothing but one pathetic loser. His dream world was shattered when he did not win a PFC Senate Seat. The last I heard was that he had renounced God, moved to San Francisco, and become a male prostitute.

Elections Board
What does all of this bullshit have to do with hate? I guess the people we should really hate is the Elections Board. These girls managed to thoroughly fuck up just about every aspect of the election process this year. But at least they looked good while doing it, from scheduling the elections on Earth Day to obviously favoring one candidate for ASUO Executive. But again, what can you do? By the time the elections board antics are found out, the law school will be out of session. What does that mean? Nothing will be done because law students won't be able to vote in a special election.

Hate
I guess there just isn't enough hatred running through these veins to truly hate anyone for too long. You can only have so many drinks befoer you start to love everyone. Why do we have to hate people anyway? Must we always fight over who gets to be the President? Everyone will eventually get their turn. We must all do our time as the Asshole. And hey, the asshole gets drunk before everyone else.

I think that the real problem is I just don't care about the elections or student government anymore. My hate has been channeled into something new. GTF's who think they are God are now the focus of my hate. The GTF Association's campaign for more money during summer term means nothing to me. When they start to earn the money they get now, maybe then we can give them more money. But back to student elections.

What can we do to make the next year's election better? Officially recognize Kent Black as the Second-Most-Handsome Man on Campus. While that is an idea whose time has come, it will not make the elections any better next year. My solution: drink heavily. We have a quote hanging in the hallowed Commentator office that sums up my solution best. "I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just usually drunk." So there it is. To avoid the insanity of the student elections next year, stay drunk during the entire months of April and May. Remember: it is not a problem until you admit it.

Ryan Gillespie, a junior majoring in English, is Online Editor for the Oregon Commentator