Hate

I Hate the EPD

Do you dare cross the think blue line between civilization and chaos? Or will the Eugene police just decide to kick your teeth in?

I am a jaded individual. Every Tuesday and Thursday night I kick back with a six-pack of moderately expensive beer, relax into my chair, and take in an evening of horrific auto crashes, high-speed chases and dramatic police shootouts all courtesy of the good people at Fox. This is my entertainment; nothing really shocks me.

And yet…

I hate Wells Fargo because I can never seem to get money out of my account when I need it. I hate O.J. Simpson because he's a guilty motherfucker who doesn't deserve to live on this planet, let alone walk the links. I also hate John Madden for the same reason.

I hate the Japanese language because it pulls me out of bed each morning so I can sit hungover through class while everybody around me converses freely in a tongue I'm having so much difficulty with.

I hate OSPIRG and the Progs; not because everybody else does, but because I've learned enough on my own to know that everybody else is right. I find myself hating a lot of things.

You may be surprised though, that I don't complain often. It usually isn't worth my while. Lots of things suck, I can't do anything about it, and I'm content to accept and ignore the lot of it. So when I feel the need to breach this jaded, oblivious state which I strive for day after day, it has to be for something that I cannot ignore. Something classically hateable, unifying and loaded with cultural meaning. Something like everyone's favorite Eugene Police Department. There are many reasons to hate the EPD, from the significantly socio-political to the bitterly personal, and I'll be damned if I don't get to all of them.

Lenny Bruce made a good argument at the Berkeley concert in that, "people can't separate the authority and those with the authority vested in them." He furthers this to say that the law is usually good, and it is usually the law enforcement that is bad. I don't believe this statement is entirely true (I refer, of course, to the first half), but then, I believe, neither did Lenny. I believe that there are the 'right' laws and 'wrong' laws. The right laws involve violence, destruction, and victims of such acts. The wrong laws involve none of these. I believe most laws are good, but in no way can I (or anyone else, I wager) support a blanket endorsement of our laws. Speaking for his time, Lenny said, "the people are demonstrating, not against Vietnam, but against the police department, actually against police men." In more cases than can be excused, the police find themselves willfully enforcing the wrong laws. And in no way is the Eugene Police Department exempt from this observation.

A few of the problems I have with EPD are problems I have with virtually every similar authority. For one, they can't find the line that separates protection from harassment (often erring flagrantly on the side of the latter) from a hole in the ground. Atop that, they're so clearly bored by their jobs that anytime a bulletin flies over the radio, it's the law enforcement equivalent of a three-alarm fire. This isn't something that EPD does any differently--except to say that these problems are manifested in a more extreme form in Eugene.

However, the Eugene Police Department is in an awkward situation, one which they can't quite figure their way out of. Being a moderately sized city, they preside over a relatively safe place to live. Apart from bank robbery and bike theft, there isn't much happening, criminally speaking, between the "You are entering" and "You are leaving" signs of this town. And when the 'right' laws aren't being broken regularly, the focus shifts to the 'wrong' laws. And when there is a distinct hub of 'illegal activity,' one can easily predict the response. Enter the University of Oregon.

I've lived in Portland all my life. There are more universities in town there, but none the size or stature of the UO; I wouldn't be here otherwise. And in my eighteen years there, how many times did I have to face the police? The answer, if you can guess ahead, is that I never did; not once in YEARS. By contrast, I've been in Eugene for a good eight months now, and I must be on a first name basis with half the department. I'm sure they recognize me by now.

The reason for this disparity lies in the fact that Eugene is what can be referred to as a 'college town.' One of the major sources of identity for this otherwise unremarkable place is a pretty damn good school. In a college town, the police find themselves out to police what they perceive as wild parties, alcohol-crazed students and everything they're willing to believe "Animal House" tells them we are. And even when this doesn't quite turn out to be the case, they act as if it is, regardless. The federal government is often accused of getting themselves in petty wars to justify their budget. EPD can be accused of the same thing.

Who is being protected, and who are they being protected from? It would seem that EPD isn't quite here to protect and serve. Instead, they're something more on the order of OPS with guns. The police patrol the West University area incessantly, and with an iron fist. I don't claim to be any sort of UO socialite, but every legitimate party that I've attended in the last term has either been harassed by or dispersed by the cops. Usually they kick people out, maybe they write citations, often they get to recycle the old standby line, "Smells a little 'funny' in here."

It doesn't end there, either. For all intents and purposes, EPD is the highest authority a student reports to. Other such authorities include OPS, and for on-campus residents, University Housing. Both agencies share the intrusiveness, overbearing parental monitoring and overreaction that is set for them by the example of the local police. Once in awhile they catch someone worthy of being caught. Usually they find students (gee whiz!) drinking alcohol or (gasp!) smoking pot.

The EPD is protecting you from yourself, and this is apparently the best use of their time. There isn't anything else for them to do? Here's a utopian idea, good merely for the purposes of imagination: lay a few of them off, give them tax incentives to teach here, reduce class sizes and the students here might actually be on a first name basis with one or two of their professors. They'd already know most of us.

I could rattle off a number of stories, many firsthand, where EPD either screwed up, overreacted or enforced the law solely for the sake of enforcement.

One involved my first (and one will pray, only) MIP, which I received this last fall at a friend's apartment off-campus. There were about ten of us, drinking and probably watching TV or something. The music was not especially loud, if there indeed was any; neither were we making an egregious amount of noise. Nevertheless, some friendly neighbor called the police, and they were over to take care of the problem. And as they walked in the door, it was unmistakable just how thrilled they were to finally have something to do. They proceeded to act tough, talk down to us, everything one expects from a department whose chief characteristic is intimidation. Halfway through the bust, the radio alerted them to a stabbing two blocks away. While I would hope that common sense dictate for the violent crime to take top priority, the MIP handout remained the order of the evening. This is the kind of situation I refer to when I speak of the 'right' laws and the 'wrong' laws.

Another involved a number of friends and myself were shooting a movie outside Blockbuster Video at about two a.m. one Saturday. The scene essentially consisted of driving up, getting out and running to the front door, later to be edited to appear as a break-in. I willingly concede that the events might have looked suspicious--were it not for numerous exceptions. We obviously never made any attempts to break in, we spent half the time talking to a group of drunk girls on the apartment balcony next door, and we were clearly brandishing a camera the whole time. From a distance, we could only have looked like we were hanging out in the parking lot. For this horrific display against the city of Eugene and the "good" people of Blockbuster Video (I know, I was once one of them), FIVE police cruisers raced to the scene.

However, it only took three of them, six officers in all, to find that no crime was committed, nor anything resembling it. Backup was called off. (On an interesting side note, I was told by an officer that if I ever planned to shoot such a scene again, all I'd have to do is call the station and tell them when and where--and they'd ignore any calls. For my sake and yours, I ask anyone reading this not to capitalize on this door to criminal mischief left open by your police department). How can any of these people go home at night and sleep soundly, believing they've actually done good for the world? I know I wouldn't.

I hate the EPD because they are intrusive. I hate the EPD because they mistakenly seem to believe that their job is a parenting one. I hate the EPD because half their attention is devoted to being as intimidating as possible. I hate the EPD because they act as if their role as "the thin blue line between civilization and chaos" includes censoring public drunkenness on a Friday night. I hate the EPD because they seem to enjoy enforcing the 'wrong' laws. I hate the EPD because more often than not, they enforce laws for the sake of enforcement, and not because any harm is truly being caused. I hate the EPD for all of these reasons and others.

And as I sit back with my Saxer Bock, ready to enjoy an evening of "World's Scariest Police Chases 4," I recall the immortal words of Lenny Bruce: "Hey wait a minute, we made a rule, now… we need someone to enforce it. Law enforcement. So I tell you what. Here is a stick and a gun and you do it, but wait until I am out of the room." With only the police and all of us "offenders" watching, what is to come out of this?

Since those on the 'right' side of the law are out of the proverbial room, nothing probably will. No one's watching, no one cares, all one can guess is that the police are busting up the troublemakers--hardly a fair assessment of the situation. The Eugene Police Department needs to refigure exactly what they're doing in this neighborhood, admit their mistakes, learn to choose battles and decide exactly how they can change for the better. Then again, maybe they better not, or else there won't be any market for spiteful rants such as these. So, in the spirit of all the hate flying around like undeserved alcohol-related citations…

Fuck you, EPD. William Beutler, a freshman majoring in Hate Science, is a staff writer for the Oregon Commentator