One-Shot

Higgildy Piggildy

Oh the wonderful irony! The purveyors of the mental mush normally found in the Commentator, having scanned their staff of writers and realized that in order to keep the computer free of sticky finger prints they would have to go out of house to find someone to give you reasons to vote on November 5th.

Eleven score and zero years ago, our forefathers brought forth a nation where we have nothing to fear but fear itself, and must ask not what our country can do for us, but rather what we can do for our country. Inspired? How about this: Our country is going to Hell in a hand basket, and those corporate owned pin-heads in DC and our legislatures want to free us from the government shackles of clean air and water. HELLO?! Is anyone paying attention? ARE YOU OUT THERE? Take to the streets. Run amok, higgildy piggildy!

Now, having said that, lets pull up our baggy pants and get down to business. We are staring one of the most critical elections in history right in the face. You and I (or just me, if you don't vote), will elect a President, a Senator, our House delegation, two thirds of our Legislature, and decide the future of Oregon with 23(!) ballot measures. How's that for inspiring? Of course I must warn you some people will complain. They'll whine about too many ballot measures, they will pout about a boring presidential election, and they'll whimper that their votes don t count anyway. They will bemoan this burden that is democracy. These people should be spanked. Now don't get me wrong; I would never advocate physical violence as a solution to the problem of hyper-cynical apathy I just think it would make the rest of us feel much better.... but I digress.

I ask you, will we be foolish enough to once again turn over our elections to the sociopaths, NRA nuts, militia members and C-SPAN junkies who elected the last Congress? I say no! I say we have to get off our latte sipping, gen-X slacker, Taco Bell munching, talk show watching asses and go vote. Bear in mind, of course, that I am of this world. I fully realize that the Presidential race is about as exciting as the weather channel. Not only has the outcome been drummed into our heads as often as the message in an Oliver Stone movie, but Mr. Clinton and Mr. Dole appear to have nothing more interesting to say to young people than, if you do drugs we'll take away your driver's license. If Big Mac boy and Grandpa don't flip your switch, then vote for an ego-maniacal billionaire, or the hero of all things good, patron saint Nader. However, as an animal with a frontal lobe you may not in good conscience stay home on election day.

By way of explanation, let me remind you of November 8, 1994 when 82% (hundred of thousands of people) of us between the ages of 18-24 were apparently too busy watching Melrose People to make it to the polls. Let s just review what has happened since then:

On the environment: We saw a massive onslaught to the full spectrum of 25 years of bi-partisan environmental and public health protections. Lobbyists for polluters were literally allowed to re-write the Safe Drinking Water Act. This is good news for those of you who worried about not getting enough toxins or heavy metals in your diets, but bad news for us mere mortals. Of course, God forbid if you were an animal, a tree, or an employee of the Environmental Protection Agency membership in those categories put you on a Congressional hit list. Just ask Congresswoman Chenowith (R-ID), whose fund-raiser featured an endangered salmon barbecue.

On welfare (corporate vs. citizen): Two huge defense contractors were given 1.2 BILLION dollars of our money by the Defense Department in order to merge their businesses more easily. In the meantime, those deficit hawks in Congress, with the full participation of the President, ended a 60-year-old federal guarantee of financial aid and food assistance to the poor. Agri-business, dairy, mining, grazing, clear-cutters, defense contractors and other wealthy corporate giants continue to collect huge tax payer subsidies year after year. The working poor, however, receive a few years of welfare benefits and then are permanently cut off.

On choice: Congress had floor votes on 23 separate bills to restrict a woman s constitutional right to choose.

On Campaign Finance Reform: Don t cry just yet - you may not be able to give your favorite congressional representative a gift anymore but feel free to keep sending those fat checks.

Oh but forget the past; those things are old news. Why, some of them may have happened before you learned the macarena. Besides, who had time to pay attention to Congress when that exciting OJ Simpson trial required so much concentration? We are here to talk about the future, and the future holds many good reasons to vote on November 5th. The race for Oregon s next Senator is a fine example. If you support environmental destruction, tax payer subsidies to polluters, ending Medicare, Medicaid, and welfare benefits, and screwing working people then there is a candidate for you. Likewise, if you are a decent and caring human being. Next, of course, are the 23 ballot measures. Let us peruse a few, shall we?

Measure 31 - Censorship
Pro: Eliminating those inconvenient free speech protections might make it easier to get rid of the Commentator. Besides, funding libraries is cheaper when they only allow seven books anyway.
Con: The neighborhood puritan gets to decide what you can read, look at, and buy.

Measure 32 - No show = No vote
Pro: Just because Aunt Ethel has passed on, doesn t mean she can't vote!
Con: Any lazy slob who doesn't even bother to come to the polls cancels your yes vote. Doesn't seem quite democratic does it?

Measure 36 - Minimum Wage Increase
Pro: Low wage laborers working 40 hour weeks would be able to afford food, housing, etc.
Con: Bah humbug! Next they'll want a day off.

Measure 37 - Expand the Bottle Bill
Pro: It's an idea whose time has come; three times more recycling, less litter, everyone loves it.
Con: It would leave extra landfill space for the books banned under Measure 31.

Measure 47 - Property Tax Cut & Cap
Pro:Will end worry about funding for schools and higher education.
Con:Will end funding for schools and higher education.

Guess what? Those are only a few of the fabulous questions which your vote will decide. Guess what else? Poll after poll proves that young people will vote on the issues. For instance, 85% of us consider ourselves environmentalists, and would likely vote for the candidate who will protect our environment. It also seems that young people think family values have to do with protecting the poor, taking care of our children and having living wage jobs not banning same sex marriage. Imagine that.

In case you didn't realize it folks, we are at a critical juncture. Under the leadership of corporate America and people who grew up using slide rules in school, our politics have become divisive and ugly. Politicians and pundits continuously pander to the worst in human nature; they run on our fears, hates and paranoia, and our politics have become politics of greed, bigotry and ignorance. On Christmas, our President worries about consumer confidence and urges us to spend, spend, spend, spend for God and country. On the Fourth of July, we sign trade agreements with countries who pollute the environment, oppress their citizens, and abuse child labor. Our security flows from personal alarms, car alarms, home alarms, bars on our windows, gated communities, and concealed weapons. The American dream has become the dream of winning the lottery. We are spending billions on psychic friends and phone sex while membership in churches, fraternal organizations, citizens groups, bowling leagues and neighborhood associations declines.

We must turn this country around. We must reject the politics of division; we must vote and we must vote our consciences. Vigorous democracy is the best problem solving vehicle the world has yet devised. It is also damn hard work. When we demand a clean environment, when we demand a responsive government, when we demand that schools teach our children to be citizens we will have them. The first step is your vote on Tuesday.

Kalpana Krishnamurthy pushes the content of this magazine further to the left