Commentary

Fear and Loathing

A bitter Commentator lackey speaks the gospel truth.

BY ANDREW OBERRITER

The fact that ASUO elections are rife with tomfoolery, humbuggery and douchebaggery should not come as a surprise to even the most disconnected of students. That this year's election cycle was plagued by all sorts of incompetence and impropriety, alleged and otherwise, probably hardly even registers a blip on most kids' campus radar. The only thing setting this year apart from say, any of the last 100 years that the ASUO has been electing its officials, is the sheer scope and magnitude of the tomfoolery, humbuggery and, most of all, the douchebaggery.

So what in the name of the crusty and soiled Suite Four Futon happened? Yes, indeed--the six million dollar question, a question that has got a few people in some very hot water, caused many bridges to be burned, the Constitution Court to actually convene a hearing and even postponed the very elections themselves!

As per usual, the way candidates chose to publicize themselves became a point of contention. By now, most of campus has probably heard the complaints about the Miner/Unger ticket: postering off-campus in violation of city ordinance, putting more than one poster to a bulletin board on campus, failing to comply in a timely manner with a direct order from the elections, having ugly yellow posters and a real dumb-ass slogan... But what has fallen by the wayside in the elections fal-der-al is that the Smith/John ticket was also fined for postering violations. This may not seem too exciting unless you ask former presidential candidate Brandon Smith to list his qualifications for office. He'll undoubtedly tell you he has served a year and a half in the Executive already on--get this--the Elections Board. After running last year's election, you'd think the kid would know how to hang up his posters without getting fined.

The Smith/Shelton quasi-joke ticket also had trouble with their posters. The pair canvassed campus at the eleventh hour with there "Sex, drugs and Smith/Shelton" posters only to find them almost completely gone within a day and a half, according to Brad Smith. He probably felt particularly cheated after spending what must have constituted over half his campaign budget on the duct tape he used to affix his posters to bulletin boards, the kiosk at the corner of 13th and University and most of the trees on campus. Smith had even gone to the trouble of "getting permission from OPS" to plaster the posters to the trees, which is, I'm afraid to point out, not proper procedure.

On the other hand, Smith was justifiably upset by the theft of some 2,900 copies of the April 15 Emerald. This particular issue carried not only the Smith/Shelton profile on the front page but the Emerald's endorsement for Executive on the editorial page. The endorsement this year went to none other than James Boyd and myself, which, due to both a healthy ego and a healthy persecution complex, I believe was the reason those Emeralds were stolen.

According to an Emerald report the next day, the vicious cowards who perpetrated the act were observed by one of the regular paper-carriers. While the person didn't get a good look at the slavering and undoubtedly inbred felons, he did see a Fiji sticker on the getaway vehicle, causing many to wonder about a possible Greek Connection.

Nothing will be served, except perhaps a subpoena ordering me to appear in court to answer slander charges, by putting down here any names that I may personally feel were involved with a theft that hindered two campaigns (two of the top three vote-getting campaigns I might add). Yet I must say that late at night, when it is dark but sleep won't come, a name forms on my lips. It is a name that leaves the bitter taste of dark bile in my mouth. It is a name that lights my eyes with the fires of Hell as I think of retribution. It is a cursed name and, I think, the same name that soils the minds of anybody who pauses to consider the matter for the briefest of instants.

Anyway, none of this would have been quite such an ordeal expect for one thing: the people collecting stipends to make sure the whole razzamatazz worked, i.e. the Elections Board and the current Executive. Actually, the problem can be distilled down to a much finer liquor: Matt Scotten, Glen Banfield and Stacey Harding (ASUO President, Vice President and Elections Coordinator, respectively).

Now, Matt and Glen are not responsible for the day-to-day running of the elections; that's why they hired Stacey Harding. Which, inversely, is exactly why they are ultimately to blame. Really, the whole thing began to unravel weeks ago. First, Jill Stevenson, a member of the Elections Board hired by Harding, turns up missing. Not missing in any sort of back-of-the-milk-carton sense, more along the lines of someone who quits a job without telling anybody. Stevenson, who reportedly has not been in to the office since before Spring Break, was never replaced by Harding or Matt and Glen despite the fact that it must have been obvious she had no intention of fulfilling her duties after the first week or two she was gone.

In the meantime, Harding secured over $5,000 from the Student Senate for "essential" computer equipment to verify current enrollment status and ensure no one could vote more than once. The equipment never showed up in the polling booths partially due to the fact that the technician Harding hired to set up and remove the computers did nothing of the sort. When members of the Elections Board frantically called the technician on the morning of the Primary Elections he said it wasn't "in his contract"--a contract Harding had negotiated and which she assured everyone required the technician to set up and remove the equipment each day it was used.

Even this snafu might have been cleared--had Harding bothered to show up to work on the first day of the primaries. In fact, she went AWOL and no one knew where she was until one of her fellow Elections Board members ran into her in class later that same day.

Harding subsequently asserted she was unable to come to work on one of the most crucial days of the elections cycle because of an "allergic reaction to medication." Some people scoffed at this, feeling Harding's excuse was utter poppy-cock unless her doctor told her to "medicate" herself at a local bar until closing.

Harding fanned the flames of rumor and accusation shortly thereafter by asserting that she and one of the members of the Elections Board were "involved" and that due to a quarrel she couldn't come to work that day (this in addition to being medicated apparently). This was denounced as an outright lie by the Suite Four crowd, some of whom also characterized Harding as "completely psychotic."

Scotten and Banfield then suspended payment of Harding's stipend but didn't feel they could actually fire her unless she came to the office. This seems unlikely since she has threatened to sue the ASUO for wrongful termination based on an incoherent you-wouldn't-fire-me-if-I'd-been-in-a-car-wreck strategy.

This left the depleted and beleaguered Elections Board, now only three strong, to deal with the fallout of the elections: A Constitution Court hearing to determine whether the primary elections should be annulled and redone due to massive wrong-doing and incompetence. Ironically, the members of the board forced to defend themselves were the only ones who had even tried to do their jobs correctly.

Regardless, the icing on the elections cake was the Constitution Court's "informal" hearing. Frankly, it was a travesty. The hearing dragged on for hours as the Court rehashed several points over and over, mainly because they opted for a free-for-all style of fact-finding. Two unrelated petitions were entered, one dealing solely with the allegedly illegal postering tactics of the Miner/Unger ticket, the other calling for the aforementioned annulment of the elections. Neither case had plaintiffs or respondents who were named on both petitions, yet the Court had the all concerned parties sit at a one big table and allowed people from either side of either petition to answer just about any question put forth, whether they were involved or not. In addition, the Court entertained "editorial" comments from parties not directly involved with the proceedings and questioned members of the audience who happened to be present as though they were witnesses.

Truly this was the final clusterfuck in what has amounted to a wild orgy of utter elections nonsense. And it's not over. My advice to every student is this: Watch where you walk over the next week or you will step in the same cacapoopy I have - especially if you go near those voting booths.

Andrew Oberriter, a senior majoring in English, is Editor of the Oregon Commentator