Spew
On Sexual Politics
I won't describe in full detail what happened, but it wa a lot more than rubbing aloe on her back.--June 29, 1993 from The Packwood Diaries.
When they shackle me, like they shackled my slave ancestors and take me off to jail, nobody in this courtroom will see me crawl.
--43-year-old married congressman Mel Reynolds on his jail term for statutory rape. He can stand up to his "oppressors." but a fifteen-year-old in lingerie apperently has no trouble making him crawl.
On Taste
I have taste. It's inbred in me.
--Baywatch fuhrer, David Hasselhoff. Inbreeding would explain a lot about the show's success.
On Grammar
I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married for a week before he was born.
--A sentence taken from an actual letter received from the Welfare Department of New Jersey in application for support.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
--Another sentence culled from the Welfare Department of New Jersey.
On Accidents
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
--Yet another excerpt from the Department of Welfare mail room.
On Freedom
If you really want to enslave people tell them you're going to give them total freedom.
--Oppressive Scientology cult founder L. Ron Hubbard.
On Going Out in Style
[He was] a big man capable of producing a large amount of deadly gas.
--A medical examiner on the death of a man who, earlier this year, died in his sleep from breathing in his own methane due to poor diet and lack of ventilation (yes, death by flatulence.)
I really wanted to blow his hair out, do something with it, like braids maybe, but he insisted on keeping the turban on.
--Steve Dillon, MTV hairdresser, on his contribution to Tabitha Soren's recent interview with Yassir Arafat. Apparently, Yassir is guarding a strategically placed oil reserve.
On Whatever
He's a party animal. He likes to dance in his wheelchair
--A fellow physicist reacting to Stephen Hawking's recent divorce of his wife of 25 years and the mother of his three children, in order to marry his private nurse.
On Radical Politics, Again
Not only did we play the race card, but we dealt it from the bottom of the deck>.--O.J. Simpson's own attorney, Robert Shapiro, on the outcome of the trial of the century.
This issue [of the Commentator] is the most disgusting display of stereotyping that I have seen in my four years on campus.
--Jennifer Williamson in a letter to the Emerald. Come on Jen, we've done much better than that.