Another Perspective

A Drastic Proposition

One of the more interesting things about the University experience is for the first time in many of our lives, we shed the familial connection and begin the process of developing or perfecting our identity as individuals.

For some, this growth is a simple and natural extension of a healthy, uneventful and pleasant youth. For others, it becomes a crusade to flee some or all of the aspects of a not-so desirable home life. Some handle this well, others don't.

Hell of a time to also have classes to attend...

Hopefully it will come as no surprise to learn that a majority of people haven't had the luxury of a trial-run at life in the collegiate microcosm. Many, not necessarily through any choice of their own, have found themselves building off of whatever foundations life has dealt. While it's probably quite easy to assume that this aspect of my discussion is about those who have versus those who haven't been to college, the discussion is really more about those who have to pay their own rent.

There's something oddly gratifying about how paying your own bills can supplant that profound collegiate sense of intellectual and emotional self-indulgence with things that are a bit more important, like whether or not the money left over after rent will buy enough ramen to last until the next paycheck.

Universities provide numerous resources that exist solely for the purpose of helping us out of the nest, yet when budget cuts rule the day, I would think that the whole system could be re-designed to provide a more effective and practical means to the same end. That in mind, I propose the following drastic, painful and frightening changes.

First, we would begin with the University taking a cue from South Eugene High: A predetermined minimum number of community-service hours. We could revamp South's graduation requirement such that this community-service (or university-service) time would be required of all students that are not earning at least 90% of their living expenses through off-campus employment during any given academic year.

Second, in order to address the ever dwindling public revenue, we might consider the following: Every student that receives enough public, private or familial monetary support to render off-campus employment unnecessary shall be required to live in campus-owned housing or be active in either the Greek or Co-op system.

While at first glance, such a proposal would seem to fly in the face of University budget-cuts, the minimum University-service hours requirement of say, 12 to 20 hours per week, provides for the labor pool. Payroll is often the largest percentage of any overhead, which in this case would be almost nil.

Instead of organizing the dorm structure along self-indulgent recreational or personal interest lines, they could be organized along the University's support staff lines. There would then be the Physical Plant dorm, which would then build other dorms like the food-service, clerical support, library, bookstore and academic department dormitories. Each dorm would be dedicated to a facet of University operations or administrative support.

The Greek and Co-op systems would be the avenues for that percentage of the fiscally supported student that prefers to spend his or her 12 to 20 hours on community pursuits. Each house would have a specific pet project, and of course the campus police could be staffed by Pan-Hellenic and the Inter-Fraternity Council.

Resident Advisors and Greek/Co-op presidents would of course be GTFF members and would answer directly to their respective departmental supervisor. Johnson Hall, Oregon Hall, the bookstore, library and the EMU would of course keep their respective jobs as administrative and activity centers, however to maximize efficiency they will also double as dorms for the SSA's (Supported Student Administrators).

Such a sweeping overhaul will of course require that the administrators and department heads will need to convert their offices into dorm-rooms as well, since they too will be living on campus with the S.S.A.'s. Surely this will result in several resignations at first by the ivory-tower wannabe corporate steamroller type of administrator, however the new arrangement will ensure even lower overhead and more direct administrative involvement in student life, as any remaining ivory towers will of course be needed for beds.

Housing Czar Mike Eyster can then oversee the imminent domain proceedings that will ultimately result in the forfeiture of private land held by any remaining University SAO's (Salaried Administrative Officers). Said land will of course house tenured faculty and their non-tenured faculty assistants.

The magic of such a plan is how it simultaneously helps the working student and the University. With all SSA's living on campus, the housing market around campus will deflate, making it affordable for the working student, and the cost of living on campus can then be artificially inflated to cover the overhead of the SSA/SAO program.

What about parking, you ask?

Parking will only be provided for SAO's, guests, parents and students with OCR (Off Campus Resident) permits. SSA's will be discouraged from owning vehicles, and their transportation needs will be amply met through the merger of Saferide and the Drunk Tank to form the administrative oversight of the newly acquired (or contracted) Green Tortoise and Emerald Taxi services. No parking citations will be issued, as vehicles in improper spaces without the proper tags will be quickly dispatched by the residents of the towtruck dormitory.

Naturally, for such a drastic and quasi-fascist system there will have to be administrative loopholes; after all, this is a university. SSA's who desire an off-campus lifestyle will be able to take the SAT (Social Aptitude Test). With a score of 98% or better, a supported student may then enter into the SSOC (Supported Student-Off Campus) program.

As a participant in SSOC, the student may then begin the process of seeking a working student sponsor house (a sub-department of the Co-op system). Upon acceptance to a working student Co-op sponsor house, the student may then pay his or her OCSS (Off Campus-Supported/Sponsored) dues and get an OCS ID and sponsor sticker. If after two academic terms the SSA passes the sponsor evaluation, he or she is then given an OCS (Off Campus-Supported) sticker for the OCS ID and is allowed to join the ranks of the off-campus residents. Dues of course are due and payable every term.

The OCS dues will go into a fund that will pay for all unpaid long-distance, garbage, and EWEB-type bills, as well as forfeited security deposits, unpaid lease agreements and rents left in the laps of the working students by SSA's who managed to sneak through cracks of the system and cause financial havoc for a working student.

Since one such incident is sometimes enough to end the academic career of a working student, he or she will of course need to provide the name and ID number of the SSA to the VSSRC (Victims of Supported Students Relief Committee) when petitioning for the coverage of financial losses left to a working student by an SSA A hearing will then be held to determine the responsibility of the involved parties, and if the SSA is in fact found to have flaked, then he or she will be returned to dormitory life for the duration of their academic career, and the working student will be bailed out of the loss.

You will be given one guess as to why this plan was devised. While such a scheme will do nothing but ensure that I will never be allowed to run a university, maybe it will make a few of us think about that potential room-mate in such a way as to save many future hassles by asking a few simple questions, the first few being:

• "Where does your rent money come from?"
• "What are the phone numbers of your last three roommates?"

And finally... Well here's where this article would go from strange and amusing to personal and mean, so I won't provide the last few questions. I'm sure you can think of a few on your own.

J. Pierson, General Manager of KWVA, is a featured columnist for the Oregon Commentator