Giving Credit Where It's Due

A well-seasoned college student knows that by the time they graduate from their asylum of choice, they will have changed their middle name to "deficit." Getting a degree without owing a penny to anyone is nearly impossible. It is expected and it is understood. While there is triumph involved in paying off the educational debt, there is no glory in the realm of the credit card gone astray. I have been to the heart of darkness. I have returned.

It seems like such a rudimentary concept: don't spend what you don't have. Nature dictates that people want what they don't have. Say hello to the credit card. It is convenient and smaller than a checkbook. It is easier than scouting out an ATM. Face it, plastic is power.

Parents lecture their children on a variety of subjects before their young ones head off to college. Call home often. Study hard. Use a condom. Oh, and of course, the "College years are the best years of your life" speech that is reminiscent of Chinese water torture. I do not remember any sit-down talk about the horrors of Visa/MasterCard indentured servitude. It is uncharted territory. Those who have been there would rather not have anyone know about it.

I was once a student with a vast trust fund and I assumed the money would always exist, no matter how much I spent. I had no business entering the world of pre-approved financing. The money went away and yet the minimum payments lingered on, and on, ad infinitum. Or so I thought until the billing statement arrived. My minimum payments had become the entire balance. Pay now or die by dismemberment.

So I did what any self respecting, rational student would do. I panicked.

Having multiple credit cards is like signing your life over to various branch families of the mafia. Creditors do not tell you about their henchmen when you sign their pretty forms. Their collectors, commonly known as "thugs," are scary and evil people. They are men with names like "Stacy" and "Dana." Men who make up for their names by destroying other people's lives.

The most asinine thing about credit debt is that they will try to screw you whether you owe two dollars or two hundred thousand dollars. My debt was peanuts in comparison to what the average person owes their creditors. I joined Consumer Credit Counseling Service thinking that it was the only responsible thing to do. A debt repayment plan was drawn up based on my low-paying, full-time mall job. CCCS is not as powerful as it claims to be.

I was sued within moments of signing papers with CCCS. Hell, I was sued three times. As logical as it seems for a creditor to accept a monetary agreement through a reputable agency, seeing as how it is the only money they are going to get, not all creditors subscribe to the same school of economical logic. It is not fun when Mr. Policeman shows up at your door with a court summons. It makes you wish you were not such a lame-ass and you hunger to have done something to merit a visit from The Man.

Now, I am hardly saying that these people are out of line for wanting their money back. I have had a criminal loot my checkbook and go to town with my money. I feel their pain. The problem is that many of the debtors are trying to do something to rectify the situation. I did not want to be in debt, so I started making more money and began paying them back. It did not work. Creditors and their collectors are insatiable.

There are many laws that debt collectors tend to bend and break, assuming that the general public is not aware of them. The big no-no is harassment. Harassment includes calling you every hour on the hour. The law states that they are only allowed to phone you as a follow-up after a billing statement or letter has been sent. My creditors must have loved stamps, I just wonder who was getting my mail.

Creditors are also required to relate who they are and what institution they represent. However, these people will often do anything to talk to you. They will refer to you by nickname and feign to be an old friend from way back when. They will even question your boyfriend as to his employment status, as if they are going to garnish his wages next.

If they constantly call your work number, you have the prerogative to tell them not to phone you at your place of employment. Once informed, it is illegal for them to continue. They will try to provoke you by calling repeatedly, using assorted names and voices.

They are not allowed to divulge information to anyone but you and your lawyer. I cannot, to this day, figure out why both my mom and my little brother pretended to be lawyers over the phone. I feel so betrayed.

Of all the various creditors that I inadvertently angered, only three pushed me to the edge of insanity. The following three used the most unscrupulous tactics and tried to turn my life in to a post-modern thesis on surrealism. I feel that others must be warned.

Les Schwab--yes, the "Free Beef" people--is number one on my creditor hate list. I opened a credit line with them in order to have my brakes fixed. They fixed the same problem four times. Of the many mishaps, my favorite was discovering they had left out a lovely gadget that holds the brakes together. After plowing through several red lights and causing many pedestrians to involuntarily defecate, I was able to roll my car to a curb and have it towed back to the imbeciles. Seeing as how they had already attempted to kill me, I should have known not to be late on my payments. They sued me before I had a chance to think about suing them.

Meier and Frank can burn in funky clothing hell. Again, I was late on my payments. They had an abundance of "Dana" types on hand to beat it in to my head. They used the most deplorable scare tactics imaginable. I think that they poisoned my pet rat, Grendel. They sang the sue song to me daily for three months. Meier and Frank's thugs harassment. They are unreasonable brutes with a thirst for blood. Since they could not physically torture me without serious legal repercussions, they decided to sue me.

Wachovia Bank offers a Visa with a 3.7% interest rate. I decided to consolidate all my debts onto their card and pay it off at the lower rate. Unfortunately, the minimum payments were beyond my comprehension, even with the low interest. My biggest problem with Wachovia is that the bank is located in Georgia. I could not take them seriously. That drawl was just not intimidating enough. "Hellow Miz Shellbye, yer account is waay past dew... we are goin' to be forced to take sum serious actiun unlez yew can squeal like a piggy." Shake hands with your first cousin and then leave the state.

Everyone needs to establish a credit history. Our planet's axis is made of plastic. Keep in mind that creditors do not care about the principles and ethics of their debtors, nor should they. Even though they detest the people who declare bankruptcy and commit credit card fraud, it will not change their approach if you take responsibility for your own actions and try to remedy the problem. If you can barely afford college, you can not afford the consequence of credit debt. Credit is blood money.

Jessica Shebley is a staff writer for the Oregon Commentator