Another Perspective

All's Fair In Love and Print

As I quickly gazed over the day's e-mail, promising myself to read them soon and respond swiftly, I absolutely had to stop and glance at one with the subject line regarding an article I wrote over a year ago. The letter began with "Dear Moron," so of course I had to read it.

Apparently there was some disagreement with my treatment of his friend and tireless champion of student government reform (or abolition, as it were). There were the usual snipes, jabs and insults, accompanied by some bonus quasi-paranoid rhetoric.

While it would seem that we Americans came out of the starting gate with our dukes up, times of controversy and disagreement have produced some of history's most legendary discourse. I would hazard a guess that little, if any, included words like "moron."

Somewhere between throw-away scripts of Days of Our Lives and any movie starring Bruce Willis or Sylvester Stallone we seem to have lost our ability to engage a heated, yet well mannered debate. We the zesty argument and go right for the meat, like a twe lve year old boy with one of dad's magazines.

Said e-mail is a perfect example, which I will print for you. The names have been changed, as they are inconsequential. The letter is as follows:

Dear Moron,

I happened to have the displeasure of reading your totally incoherent blatherings about a good friend of mine, Bill Antenucci. This is as you know the common form of William, this fact seemed to be of great consequence to you, although I have no idea why, especially when you can't even use your first name.

Just a little something to clear the mind before a short synopsis of why Bill is doing what he is doing. Bill and I have been acquainted with each other for almost two years now. In that time he has shown me that student government is the most despicable, corrupt and unconstitutional institution imaginable.

And in that time I have not seen one ounce of personal selfishness in anything he does. Bill is an honorable man and unfortunately you cannot take what he says on substantive terms so you have to get personal. Now I shouldn't reciprocate, because I would be just like you, but I still think you are a moron.

Thank You
Erik Doe

A splendid little snipe, no?

No!

I could go on to edit Mr. Doe's letter and pick apart the grammar, the lazy English, and hurl insults like, "Well Vern, I guess one good incoherent blathering deserves another, huh?" but I'd rather just rewrite it for Mr. Doe, and include occasional notes to further explain the effectiveness of the revised passages.

Dear Mr. Pierson, [This is a far better opener as it implies that while the letter may express displeasure with the article, I don't waste my time writing to morons.]

I write this, albeit belatedly with regard to an article I read in the November 21, 1994 issue of the Oregon Commentator.

[It is here where the author might include what aspects of my article were in disagreement with the issue as he sees it. As there were none apparent, aside from an issue over abbreviation, I'll go ahead and take my own issue with my article.]

I found that your piece amounted to little more than a lopsided character assassination of my good friend of two years, Bill Antenucci. If there were serious issues you hoped to address, I have to say they were lost in profane and needlessly personal remarks like, "No shit, Bill," and "Of course you didn't get paid enough to deal with a campus full of students anxious to kick you in your dead, cold nuts."

Fortunately, the glaringly personal tone of the article was sufficient enough to prevent any right-minded thinker from taking one word seriously, contrary to the numerous citations that might indicate that it was a journalistic endeavor.

[If the following sounds vaguely familiar it's because if the author had anything constructive to say in his letter to me, it was this:]

In [the] time [I have known Bill] he has shown me that student government is the most despicable, corrupt and unconstitutional institution imaginable. [Furthermore,] in that time I have not seen one ounce of personal selfishness in anything he does. Bill is an honorable man and [your personal attack indicates to me that you have not given his plight any serious evaluation, and that you have definitely not had occasion to meet him.]

[Okay, I rewrote the last part in order to set myself up for the conclusion of the letter, but I went ahead and left in "personal selfishness" so that we may ponder other forms of selfishness.]

Mr. Pierson, I would strongly urge that you do both, and then re-read your article. I would hope at the very least you might feel you owe Mr. Antenucci an apology. At most, you might realize that the injustice Bill is fighting is as much an injustice to you as it is him, and perhaps then you might use your article for a more productive end than a mean-spirited and abusive attempt to hurt an individual whose cause you apparently do not agree with.

[Ouch! Talk about making me feel like a jerk! I will indeed do all I can to accommodate Mr. Doe's request, and respond in kind to his letter with a similar sentiment.]

Sincerely,
Erik Doe

Dear Erik,

Thank you for your reply to an article I wrote over a year ago. I have been known as J. for about twelve years now. Please don't take it so personally.

It's good to hear that Bill has friends. Hope he's well and enjoying his life and endeavors. I wish you the same.

Sincerely,
J. Pierson

Oh yeah, I almost forgot:

Dear Bill,

I recently re-wrote a letter sent to me by your friend Eric Doe. In it I persuaded myself to re-read an old article I wrote that concerned you and your turbulent tenure at L.C.C.

Eric and I both expressed that the article was unnecessarily personal, and after re-reading it, I have to say that I am in complete agreement with us. In my re-write, I urged myself to consider an apology for its mean-spirited tone and profane treatment, and I am writing to do just that.

Bill, I apologize for the unnecessarily personal tone of the article.

Sincerely,
J. Pierson

J. Pierson, General Manager of KWVA, is a featured columnist for the Oregon Commentator