UO Survival 201

For those of you who are new to our fair campus, and for those who, for reasons unknown, made the unlikely decision to return, we present to you our rendition of "Everything You Wanted to Know, But Didn't Want to Ask" combined with a "Who's Who" of campus. Read it. It's your only hope.

Professors

Professors at the University are very conservative folks who lock doors to the classroom after the bells in their heads ring, spend valuable time lecturing on the finer points of Kissinger's personal appearance or have difficulty remembering the difference between modern Spanish and Old Church Slavonic. Most of them are or have been linguists.

Avoid the old ones, unless you have verification that they remember where and when they hold class and which test to give you, or that they have updated their diagnosis of the United States diplomatic structure in one of several decades since the early fifties. If all else fails, drop out.

Bureaucrats

Unlike the rest of society, bureaucrats are a breed unto themselves and yet, are not easily identifiable. As a result, you may initially fear any encounter with them. Since the majority of them stand behind counters with a variety of visual obstructions and sharp objects in the way, the first impression you will have of them (and they of you) is that there is a distinct probability that none of them wear pants. Since mutual paranoia is rarely part of a healthy relationship, trust will not be a factor in your dealings with Oregon Hall. Most of them are just as likely to bite you on the ass on your way out as give you the benefit of the doubt, so never expect anything but the worst. They will usually outdo even your wildest nightmares.

OPS (Office of Public Safety) and Other Authority Figures

Remember to carry your concealed weapons permit with you when passing through campus because now these guardians of public safety in and near the UO campus have the right to stop and search you. These are trained professionals with advanced skills in door-locking, first-aid, computer theft and student-jumping. Beware of unnecessarily friendly frisking.

OPS and all of the University of Oregon housing folks believe that you are without fifth amendment rights if you do not know about them. During their evening rounds, RAs look under your doors in the dorms. If they see a towel or blanket wedged into the bottom of the door, it is their duty to ask you to open the door; you may have marijuana in there, or really rancid incense that they think is marijuana. If, on the other hand, they see a half-rack of empty beer bottles, it is also their duty to ask you to open the door and put your hands up. Protection against self-incrimination and unlawful search and seizure aside, not sharing your beer with the RA is always bad news.

On the other hand, if a male RA looks under a female's door on one of his evening rounds, she can slap him with a sexual harassment complaint. It'll stick.

Roommates

Ever seen "Single White Female"?

Student Media

The Oregon Daily Emerald is a testament to original work and investigative journalism. As the campus paper of record, the articles are even-handed, timely and relevant. Editorials are written thoughtfully and with all the facts, and the commentary section is well-written and thought- provoking. All rumors that the former editor is or was a troll are completely untrue.

The Oregon Voice is a fun little paper that always keeps you guessing--usually about when the next issue is coming out and whether it will be entertaining or insipid. But they do use color in every one of their two or three issues every year. Remember, it's your student fees at work.

The Student Insurgent has finally chosen to narrow down its font selection from thirty to three. The columns are getting close to being evenly spaced and straight. The captions are now being typeset instead of handwritten. Unfortunately, the spell-checking function is not a tool in their version of Word, and few on campus are quite sure who the Zapatistas are and why they are so mad at other people in Mexico. If there is another strike this year, however, the kids from the Insurgent will be hosting the Picket Line Kegger with their own brand of home brew.

KWVA 88.1FM is the campus radio station worth listening to. Apart from the scintillating conversation of the Christian Hawaiian show, Star Talk and Stu's All-Beatles-All-the-Time, the music is often delightful and unexpected. Most radio stations play the same thing four or five times a day. At KWVA, if the DJ dozes off, you could hear the same song four or five times in one hour. It's like shooting in the dark--a real kick.

Student Government

ASUO Executive: Caged animals found in Suite 4 of the EMU who will bite if offered food or peyote.

Appointed ASUO officials: Bureaucrats in training. Though they do wear pants, they are often caught with them down.

Student Senate: Between sleeping with the ASUO Executives and lying to students and each other, they have so little time for issues of legality or government that they are more a circus than a governing body. There are bearded ladies, lion tamers, contortionists, clowns and a freak show. Of course, none of this is to say that you cannot trust them with your money or your rights.

Student Groups

The multitude of student unions defies unity, but that should not worry you. Student groups that have even the tiniest survival instinct will be in bed with bureaucrats or student government or both. That is not to say, of course, that they fail to represent the physical, cultural or educational interest of all students. The Ohio Student Union works hard to represent YOU.

Alcohol

Stock up. You are going to need it.

Dirtbags

Dirtbags are similar in character to bureaucrats, but are much easier to identify. Charitable in every way, the dirtbags that grace 13th Street are willing to share everything with you: their distinct aroma, earthy charm, and "kind buds." They do, however, ask for a small donation to support their efforts.

The Opposite Sex

Fairy tales and Plato aside, you only have to remember three things: love is a lie, lust is hard work and sex can be worth it. Considering that, all decisions about relations with the opposite sex are pretty obvious.

If all else fails, there is nothing wrong with masturbation, unless you have to squint hard and keep your face very close to this page. In that case, you may want to cut down or see a doctor--or a prostitute.

Finally, a few words of advice. When making your way through the University community, try not to make eye contact unless you think you can take the person staring at you. Do not give people change for a Harley or spinal tap. If you need to get laid ask a desperate ASUO officer. And above all else, please consider misanthropy as a viable alternative lifestyle.

Farrah Bostic, a sophomore majoring in journalism, is Managing Editor of the Oregon Commentator