Re: My Name is Chance. Do I Have One?

Surfing on the Net can be fun, but like most things in life, it's more fun with your clothes off. Here's what to watch out for.

Beware all ye who be new to the Information Superhighway. Our prestigious University now includes a fun-filled UONet account with your price of admission. There are even a few rumors that the school is promising dual phone jacks in dorm rooms. This should prove to ease the roommate situation. You can hook up the modem and enter cyber-land, and your roommate will still be able to make those 976-SEXY phone calls that make Friday night on campus so much fun. Welcome to the Age of Information.

As a recently reformed cave-painter, I have traded my hunting and gathering skills for a vacant stare and total frustration over typos. I am now in a love/hate relationship with my computer, and I feel it is my duty to warn all of you "Newbies" about the oddities of the network systems. My experience with America On-Line is enough to make any addict cower in fear. Take heed.

I suggest that you avoid getting an account through a network such as AOL. The University account may seem limited in comparison to the swank and colorful temptations of AOL, but the UO-net is the best option, especially because it is paid for. It has all of the basic necessities a college student needs such as an e-mail account and local bulletin boards. Another system to avoid would be the Prodigy network. It is not as pretty as AOL, and it costs more. The cost alone should deter you Newbies from joining anything outside of what the University is offering. An AOL account is about $10 per month while Prodigy is approximately $15 per month. This does not include the $3.95 an hour charge for usage. Perhaps it seems to be a minor expense, but remember--it is addictive! One day you will find your account balance to be around $280, and you will be forced to tell Mom that you spent all of your financial aid on cybersex.

Yes, cybersex (aka: compu-sex) really does exist! However, there is a small courtship process involved. First, you must select a handle or screen name with which you will visit the chat areas. These screen names should reflect your personality. Names can vary from FishStix to LuvMuff. Try hard as to avoid using band names--Slayer--or personal statements--ImSoWet--in order to impress others. It just causes needless chaos. Second, you need to find a conversation area, or room, in which to discover new love. Try a room like "Looking for Sex" if you are using the direct approach. A typical computer copulation will occur in a private room on a system like AOL. A private room is unmonitored by the guides who haunt the system looking to punish anyone with a dirty mouth. Say hello to Big Brother. And don't worry, they have not yet figured out how to punish thought-crimes. Once in a private room the conversation will go as follows:

         IMCOOL: "Rubbing your inner thighs..."          METOO: "Enjoying the pressure of your fingertips..."          IMCOOL: "Starting to suck on your toes..."          2HORNY: "Hey! I want in on this!!!"

There are some very lonely people out there. Maybe some of them fall asleep with that warm and fuzzy feeling. It is an alternative to the ol' Who-is-that-in-my-bed-not-so-warm-and-fuzzy-feeling. You do not even need beer goggles and you can tell your family you are still a virgin. This sex is so safe anyone can get laid. An addict will skip the morning classes in order to pant heavily at the monitor with a lonely housewife from New Jersey. It is sad sex.

I have become very popular for having this neat toy. Friends will come by at 2 a.m. to have compu-sex with random people. I feel so violated when I find a few crumpled dollars under my keyboard and a note that says "Thanks" in the morning. Pimping out your computer can turn a good profit however.

Another thing to be wary of in computer land is the stalker population. I have discovered that it is a good idea to change one's screen name on a regular basis. Stalkers have a sixth sense that tells them when to sign on. These people are so pathetic that they will wait all day long to see if you enter the network.

Strange messages of mad love will fill your e-mail. Stalkers take the system all too seriously and actually believe that there is a chemical attraction through your monitor. This is another reason to avoid having cyber-sex. Once they get a taste of your luscious typing skills, they are hooked for life.

Never give anyone your phone number, no matter how nice they sound or how hard they plead. Attaching a voice to a stalker is pretty scary. Then you will find that not only is your e-mail filled, but so is your answering machine.

Unnatural messages of "Why are you not home?! Where are you?!! Why won't you talk to me?!! Don't you know I love you?!!! I am flying out there in an hour so we can work this out!!!" will plague you daily. It does give some insight into how the other half lives, not that you really wanted to find out. USWest can get really sick of you changing your phone number too.

You can access any vital information that is needed to improve your life as a scholar through the network systems. Try going through the Library of Congress or join a cult. You can even learn the latest techniques in human bondage and pet care. What could be more educational? Just remember that these nets can be hazardous to your well being.

You will start to lose your well-developed memory and find yourself chanting "The computer is my co-pilot." Pretty soon you have misplaced your lighter in an info-induced daze, and you find that your kitchen is in flames because you forgot to turn off the electric stove burner in an effort to light your cigarette--and rid yourself of any unwanted facial hair in the same process. You will then avoid calling 911 because that would mean having to disconnect your modem! It can be a dangerous and life-threatening little game.

Oh, then there is always the IM issue. Evidently many networks carry this nifty feature. The instant message, hence IM, is the personalized message other addicts and your stalker can send you while you are signed on. These can be especially annoying if you happen to be in one of the "I Am So Scary, I Can't Get A Date" conversation rooms. You would only be in an area like this because the "Gardening Tips For Midgets" area was filled of course.

Wisdom for Newbie, it is not wise to answer any of the following IM's...

         A. "My name is Chance....do I have one?"--Although it is better than many pick-up lines, it is best not to answer any lines, because the next question will be:

         B. "R U Horny?"--Well, yes of course you are, but anyone that can't figure this out is a dolt. If you find spelling sexy, the next question will be:

         >C. "What R U wearing?"--As if you would be naked at your terminal. If you ARE naked then the next question is definitely for you:

         D. "Like phone sex?"--If you can justify spending all of that long distance just to call a voice in Florida, then go ahead and answer this one. Who needs to eat? You have just found your soul mate!

There are many variations of the above. As a Newbie, you should avoid putting yourself into a bad IM situation until you have gained more worldly experience in IM land. You will be asked if you like to date 15 year olds and also how you feel about swallowing certain bodily fluids. Just remember that it is all in good fun but not for the easily ill type. If you start to blush at your monitor, just go take a cold shower and proceed with caution.

On a more serious note, be very careful when revealing your private information to anyone. A last name and a city could lead to getting someone's underwear FedEx'd to your front door. Do not give out your password or someone could make charges to their account in your name. It is also wise to occasionally change your password in order to protect yourself. A hacker on AOL recently stole over 250 account passwords and started to randomly harass the gentle users of the system with insane messages about his life as a Lord of the Underworld. His messages would scroll the screen endlessly causing great havoc among those attempting to have a compu-quickie. Also, never agree to have compu-sex unless equip with some compu-latex and a complete compu-virus checkup. Our lovely staff at the Student Health Center will be glad to comply, ask for the Head Nurse.

There is always a chance you eventually will stop living vicariously through your keyboard and join me in my CPA (Cave Painters Anonymous) support group. It, like your new Internet account, is also student funded. We can all sit around and complain about how we were oppressed and victimized by our computers that were created by straight white men. Either that or you can tame your pending addiction by avoiding the info-nets in general. Good luck, my little Newbies!

Jessica Shebley, a junior majoring in political science, is a staff writer of the Oregon Commentator