UO Survival 102

Surviving the University experience can be tougher than you might expect. Writing a piece about surviving can be even tougher. Here's another chapter for the book.

Bob from Hamilton dorms said that the best way to annoy his roommate was to sit and stare at him while he tried to go to sleep. Sarah, a psychology student, wrote that she couldn't leave home without at least one stuffed animal; and Mark, a professor in the math department, said that only the social science fields of study were corrupted by intellectual masturbation.

With all these tasty bits of insight, how could I pass up an opportunity to strengthen your chances for survival.

The Kitchen
The best way to avoid ever having to do the dishes is to have just one dish, one fork, one big Buck knife and a coffee cup. After every meal all your dishes are dirty, yet you don't have a sizable mess on your hands. This plan may pose a problem when you want to invite a significant other over for dinner, but anybody who can't figure out how to get the burnt coffee out of the coffee cup has no place trying to impress a date with a real mea --Go out for dinner.

Cooking is another matter, but we can still work within the principles set forth with your dinner ware. The only cooking utensil you need is a wok, a great big hand-forged wok. To properly prepare your wok for a year's worth of burning meals you need to toss about three pounds of bacon in and cook at a high flame for 45 minutes. Do not eat the end product, simply put it in a five pound coffee can and save for later use.

This process will yield a nice glaze on your wok that nothing will be able to stick to. The worst side effect is that your food tastes a little like bacon for the next year. If you should find that your wok loses its non-stick coat, just take a some of that stuff out of the five pound coffee can and smear it around--a handful should do the trick.

The Bathroom
Nothing is more disgusting than a dirty bathroom. I usually suggest to my guests that they use a bathroom in Willamette Hall. It may be an inconvient trek, but the bathrooms are always clean and they're much larger than in most apartments. When you convince your guests to use the bathroom in Willamette, also try to convince them that it's a long way to carry a half-rack. Upon their departure, you and their half-rack can go to somebody else's house.

Bedroom
Never buy your bed from Goodwill.

Partying
It was once said that the only place to party is somebody else's place. This is the golden rule.

If by some chance you get conned into having a party at your place, be sure to invite all your neighbors. This will accomplish two things, First, your neighbors won't call the police and complain about the noise. Second, when the folks down the street call the police, you'll have a place nearby to continue the party.

When the night is winding down, and people are stumbling out of your house, remind them to drive as fast as possible. If they get in an accident, and the police find out that they left your house, you will probably be thrown in jail for being an inconsiderate citizen. But if your guests drive as fast as possible and get into an accident, their chances of survival are much lower--dead drunken drivers can't tell the cops where the party was.

If you leave a party with an open container, make sure you walk against the traffic on one-way streets. If you don't follow this advice you may startled by flashing lights and a $425 ticket. What's even worse is that you will be required to pour out your beverage.

Parents
Always call home to your parents on your own phone bill. Your parents will think you are being considerate, and they won't yammer on for hours about Aunt Millie's menopause.

The only time you should call home collect is when you need money. For some reason, whenever I call home collect, my mother thinks I'm stuck at a desolate gas station. Play off this sympathy because you will get money.

Phone Company
I thought I had covered it all in my last set of guidelines about the phone company. Everything I wrote was true, but I left out a few things that I was recently reminded about.

If you don't pay your phone bill for a long time, or however long it's been since I paid mine, the phone company will turn your long distance off. You will then have about 10 days to give them money or have all your phone service cut off.

You may find yourself in a paradox when your long distance is cut off and you need to call home for money. If you follow the rules of the previous section, you'll be in fine shape. Make sure you ask for double what you need. You don't want to go through the hassle of getting your long distance disconnected just so you can have a few extra bucks again.

If you are really pushing the envelope, you can pay your phone bill on the day it is due (or the day your service is about to be terminated) at any First Interstate Bank.

Jobs
Getting a job during college is a necessary evil for most of us, but it can also be a decent way to impress the parents while subsidizing your favorite vice.

I've been a busboy, a waiter, a cook and a bartender and the best thing I can say about any of the first three is that your meal budget will be greatly reduced because of the free food you can get on the job. The latter though will greatly reduce your drinking budget, which for any of my friends at least, is the largest cost for living.

I look forward to the responses telling me how inadequate I am and you can probably look forward to a third course for this cluster. Remember to keep both eyes on your cup.

Owen Brennan Rounds, a Campus Virgin majoring in political science, is Publisher of the Oregon Commentator