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On Despair
I am contesting this. There is no way that I only got 144 votes. I work in a sorority house, and they all voted for me, and I had a whole fraternity behind me.
-John Ely, the little ASUO canidate who couldn't. Life's full of diappointments John. Twenty some years ago your mom gave birth to you in the back isle of a 7-11 in Austin, Texas. But she didn't curse God, or blame your conception on a travelling band of gypsies. She married the clerk and started her life over. So let's not start playing the blame game now.
I want to split that postion up into two-one male and one female- because I think both are groups that participate in our student body.
- John Ely, again. Sorry for being so rough before, John. You've obviously had a tougher time of things than we thought. Best of luck.
On The Fix
Okay Eugene, you can sell your pot later so turn off your pagers.
-"Quick Fix" performer scolding an audience member. Okay Quick Fix, you
can put your politically correct drug intervention on hold for a minute while I see how many ounces Pedro needs.
I love drinking, that's my shit. I love talkin shit when I'm fucked up. That's my shit.
-A random quote from "The Quick Fix" seminar. Yeah officer, I'm
probably a little too drunk to be driving. But hey, that's my shit.
On Deception
I haven't lied yet, but I wont say I never would...I want to graduate.
-Bill Galose EC420 GTF Don't worry Bill, your virgin moral compass need
not steer you toward dishonesty. In economics, the numbers lie for themselves.
I'm willing to screw myself
-Galose, again. Okay Bill, we take that last comment back. We don't find your honest refreshing, just disturbing.
On Orgy Porgy
When the baby is having an orgy, you've got to throw it out with the bath water.
-Fox News Host Bill O'Reilly, debating a Cal-Berkly student on the value of a student run sex-ed class. Remember in the seventies when everyone would just throw their keys in a hat? Mom does.
She was always pressuring me to have sex in public places. She had a facination with it.
-Brandon Yants, quoted in a ODE story on sexual fetishes. Don't get up her web of lies, Brandon. One minute your getting a hand job on the LTD, the next, you're receiving fellatio in front of a gathering crowd of onlookers at the retirement center. It only goes downhill from there.
On the Frohn
I've become really dsgusted at my lack of vices.
-UO President Dave Frohnmayer, quoted in the ODE. High and mighty aren't we Dave? Seems a little presumptuous after you were spotted jaywalking all the way across Franklin.
First of all, Dave Frohnmayer is a member of my frat and we're pretty tight.
-Greg McNeil. Second, my cousin Bruce was the sound check guy for Huey Lewis. He played my prom. Bruce, that is.
On Big Brother
We're Being Censored From Within
-Message flashing across the screen during Cascadia Alive as the host wandered off camera and left the audience on their own. How can you censor something nobody watches?
On Old School
We're going to take you back. Way back. -Nelly, before launching into a performance of "Country Grammar," his hit song from waaaayyy back two summers ago. I knew I had to leave after the twelve-year-old girls ran in front of me.
-Audience member at the same show. Sadly, most of Springfield stuck around. We hope it was for the music. We pray it was for the music.
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