Q: How many felonies have you committed in the past 12 months?
A: None that I can admit to.
Q: You have a reputation for having a bright future. So why are you hiding out in Oregon?
A: See Above.
Q: What is your real plan for power?
A: What are you talking about? I’m only doing this for my resume.
Q: Could you comment on your past relationship with Scott Austin?
A: It was only a summer thing.
Q: What does the term “fisting” mean to you?
A: $20 in my pocket and a ride in a cherried out 78 Camaro.
Q: You have been said to harbor certain unpopular views. Who do you really hate more, midgets or the elderly?
A: I got no problem with midgets… or Little People, as they’re called. I guess, the elderly, they’re such elitist bastards. I’ve played more bridge than half those bastards and they won’t let me in AARP. And I’m tired of that Greatest Generation shit. It’s cool they won World War II, but don’t poo poo our economic achievements. And they get cheaper movie tickets.
Q: You’re often spotted in intimate discussions with EMU head honcho Dusty Miller. What’s going on there?
A: I can’t say much about that, but I can say they sell condoms in the third floor bathroom.
Q: You’re an extremely tall guy and one is led to believe your pituitary gland went haywire. Why did God hate you?
A: Cause I want his job. And it was his way of handicapping me for the amazing intellect with which I was blessed.
Q: Give us five words on why you wanted to be a senator again:
A: I want to spend your money.
Q: Does this look like a rash?
A: I didn’t give that to you, did I?
Q: OC or ODE?
A: OC for fun, ODE for bathroom reading.
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