Fries, Not Hippies With That

This is in no way a threat to our way of life. It is not a challenge of our ideals. It was just a really annoying exercise in futility that I think you flesh eaters will enjoy.

SETA (Students for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is a splinter group of PETA (Take a wild guess what that stands for, fruity). Just to get an idea of the kind of intellect we are dealing with here, in Nov. 2001, while driving a PETA-owned Honda Civic, two members managed to hit and kill a deer. They then proceeded to sue the state of New Jersey because, “the state’s mismanagement of the deer population, which includes purposely increasing herd sizes in order to provide more live targets for hunters and so jeopardizes the well-being of people who use the roads.” Yes, an animal rights group is complaining that there are too many animals. This is the “organized” national branch of the group. God knows what the disorganized Eugene hippie branch has come up with.

It was about noon on this typically cloudy Sunday, and I started to get hungry. I decided to go to the nearby McDonald’s for a metric ton of cheeseburgers. At the time, I thought I wanted to go to because I can get 400 cheeseburgers for about five bucks and in about thirty seconds. Imagine my surprise to find out that I really went to McDonald’s because I have no choice. McDonald’s constant expansion combined with relentless advertising have affected me. I am hopelessly addicted; I must have the corporate goodness that is McDonald’s.

Within a few minutes, I arrive at the golden arches. As I am about to reach the restaurant, I notice that on the sidewalk outside are about a dozen protesters standing between me and the nutritionless corporate swill that I depend on. There were two types of protesters there. First, the sign holders, those enlightening fellows that try to impart their infinite wisdom upon the ignorant populace much the same way a homeless person tries to get money: scribble some incoherent crap on a piece of cardboard, and sit on the street. In practice, it is hard to distinguish these self-righteous hippies with the common bum. In fact, I have been known to lose up to $3.00 in small change during a typical protest. Second, there are the sign holders’ counter parts, the handbillers. These vicious bastards are as aggressive as a rabid badger with a stick up its ass and twice as tenacious. They hold in their hand the secrets for a happy life; you will read them if they have to pull your ass out of the car and staple them to your forehead.

As soon as I saw the crowd outside, I immediately ducked behind a bush. If the handbillers saw me, they would pounce on me like the hemp-clad velociraptors that they are. About that time, a fellow carnivore tried to make an escape from the parking lot in his truck.

The poor bastard was swarmed with hippies shoving reading material at him. They jumped on the hood, screamed through the windows, urinated is his gas tank and generally were rather rude. This was my chance; while they were occupied, I made a run for McDonald’s.

One of them must have seen me running for the door, because just as I was about a foot away, one of the handbillers body checked me into Ronald’s Playplace and shoved a dozen fliersdown my throat while screaming, “Fight the Nazi corporate oppressor, man! What are you afraid of!?”

It took me the better part of an hour to squeeze my torso out of the Hamburgler’s fun slide, and by that time; the vegans had managed to divulge their entire thought process to me. Perhaps it was the way they explained it to me, or perhaps it was the fact that I had to listen to them, or maybe because my cranium had just smashed through four inches of molded plastic, but their rantings finally started to make sense.

I now realized that through a method of mind control and social conditioning, I had no choice but to eat the nutritionless corporate swill that was McDonald’s. But now I truly had free choice! Now I knew the truth! Now I knew I had to get the fuck away from these hippies! With my new liberty of free choice, I dashed across the street to the Carl’s Jr. Sitting there eating my burger with other carnivores driven from McDonald’s, I started to think about the information they crammed down my throat.

Unlike some groups that withhold information until they finish the mind control tactics, SETA will enlighten anything that will stand still long enough. Here’s what I managed to find out about why McDonald’s is the evil corporate empire:

1. They run advertisements which make McDonald’s look good. This, of course, was the brilliant innovation of Jacob Peawacker in 1985 who discovered that people tend to respond better to advertisements that make the client look good. For some reason the 1984 slogan, “McDonald’s: we sell you cow shit because you’re dumb enough to buy it,” never took off.

2. They kill cows... Yeah, I know! I was surprised too! You wouldn’t expect that from a burger joint.

3. Their commercials and use of prizes in meals target children. Damn them! Damn them for making intelligent marketing decisions!

4. They kill lots of cows...with big knives.

5. People have no choice but to eat at McDonald’s. Yeah, I remember going into McDonald’s for the first time...at gunpoint. They don’t do that much anymore. I kind of miss meeting people who would pull a gun on me and force me into the nearest McDonald’s.

6. Have I mentioned that they kinda kill cows...and chickens too?

7. The sell exactly what the public wants at a low cost. How dare those fuckers! Why must they sell what people want to turn a profit! Damn them for following simple rules of economics! Damn them to hell!

8...well numbers 8 through 1,657,473 are all about killing cows.

This protest was nothing. In the end no fewer cows were killed. The routed carnivores found other means of securing their animal flesh. How many cows have to die to feed our fat lazy asses? Answer: as many god-damned cows as we can find!

Jeremy Jones, a sophomore majoring in journalism, is the graphics guy at the Oregon Commentator