FeatureThe Oregon Commentator's No Hold's Bar GuideSometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name, and they're always glad you came. Damn these intros are lame...By Amber Plauntry |
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It’s what the old man yells when he gets home from a hard day at work, what the college student sighs after a final exam, what the average god-fearing American shouts in proud support of this nation’s economy. “God, I need a drink.” In response to this classic plea for help, the Oregon Commentator presents to you the good and the bad, the beautiful and the disfiguringly ugly. But hey, they all sell beer.
Taylor’s: 13th and Kincaid. Open 11 am to 2:15 am Monday through Saturday, 1 pm to 2:15 am Sundays. Happy hours are 4 to 7 pm Monday through Saturday and all day Sundays. These are the best bars in Eugene if you smoke; the outdoor sections offer a lovely view of campus life, even in the dreary rainy season. Your cigarette may drown, but damned if you won’t sit in the downpour and laugh at the freshman running from cover to cover. It can get crowded pretty quickly in those nice open areas, though, so my suggestion is to get there really early, like when they open, so you save yourself a good seat. These bars are cool if you don’t smoke as well. There’s nothing like having alcohol readily available right on campus. It’ll haunt me having to watch them unlock the doors for business from the tiny window of my 11:00 am class in Condon, but fortunately for me, I have a huge ten-minute break before my next class in Straub to make a pit stop in both of these fine establishments.
Not very much seating here, and it can get packed even on a weeknight. Great atmosphere, though. I wish they’d bring back that guy who sang like Johnny Cash, he was awesome. He slurred Ukrainian drinking songs with us regulars.
It’s a bit of a drive out there but well worth it. They have the most billiards tables of any bar in Eugene that I’ve been to, and they often host pool tournaments. Watch out for the comfy looking old couches in the second bar—they’ll suck you in. No, I wasn’t tripping and imagining being eaten by furniture; it was just very difficult to get off the couch sober so after a few beers, it was damn near impossible.
Ah, but my personal favorite feature is the fact that here you are guaranteed to get your ass slapped, squeezed, and grinded upon (no really—gender doesn’t matter) and when you turn to face your culprit, the fifty men packed beside you are all more than happy to take the blame. On Friday and Saturday nights, Doc’s Pad comes complete with Oxygen Bar—basically five bucks for a whiff of generic Chanel No. 5 that some ancient sorority chic dyed with blue food coloring and relabeled “Erotica.” Granted, there’s a high while you’re breathing, but the minute you take those stupid hospital tubes out of your nose, you are disgusted to notice it’s the guys stuck to your backside that found the Oxygen Bar even remotely erotic. Those tubes are not reusable for obvious sanitary reasons, and therefore must be purchased for an additional $2. Remember to bring them next time.
Alright, so the one time I went, I was too drunk to remember the bartender’s name but he’s short, fat, bald, of Hispanic descent, I’m sure, and absolutely hilarious. The music is typical on a Saturday night, very fast pop remixes and such, but everyone really enjoys themselves and has a good time. I hear the food is great, too. If you’ve just moved to Eugene, head to Neighbor’s and introduce yourself as a member of the LGBTQA. Everyone will love you, really.
I must say that this is one of the worst bars in Eugene, possibly in Oregon. Hell, maybe the West Coast. My main complaint is the obviously deaf and dumb DJ. I think I heard a total of 5 songs in a three-hour time frame, constantly repeating over and over. Okay, so maybe the first one is played like the same shit you hear on KDUK, and then a couple songs later, they play it again with a voiceover of Jay-Z or Brittany Spears, and then again with a faster beat, stronger bass. Regardless, I don’t want to listen to it. I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did if it weren’t for the many men so willing to spend their week’s paycheck on the women they don’t seem to realize are way out of their league.
You already know this place, you know what it is, you know who’s there, so I don’t feel there’s a whole lot more to say about it. Except that it really hurts to have a lot of guy friends who are really glad they have you for a girlfriend so they can drag you all the way out there and get in for free. Thank god for $10 all-you-can-drink Mondays, that’s the only night I’ll go. Okay that’s not true, I’ll go just to watch the guys drool on themselves because they’re so stoned and drunk, they don’t even notice Kylee Noveryew is well into her forties and has a mustache. Nice legs, though. Now there are naturally many more bars out there that are certainly worth mentioning, just not enough to make the top eight, and we are cramped for space you know. But go ahead and explore all of the bars in Eugene; you are young and alive so drink, damn you. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to take out an old friend, to meet a new friend, and to get belligerently drunk all by yourself. Tee hee.
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