Nobody Asked Us, But...

A schwing! A misch!

Back by popular demand - not to mention the cushions of the couch in the OC office - it's more about the recent star-crossed OC golfing trip. More photos and details of the trip are available here, but the notes printed below are a relatively recent discovery. Intrepid OC staffer Jeremy Jones wrote them down at one point or another, and while we failed to decipher what they fully say, we nevertheless felt it was in the interest of our readership to make them available. If you figure out what it all says, we'll give you Rebecca Newell's phone number. If you figure out what it all means, we'll throw in Jack Clifford's phone number too.

The Dane Also Rises

Once again, the OC was ahead of its time. Three years into his college basketball career, the first recipient of the annual OC "Rising Star" Tater Award, 7'20" junior center Chris "The Dane" Christofferson has finally arrived.

At UCLA on January 27, Christofferson exploded for 15 points - real points that help win ball games, not the type he imagined making while he warmed the bench during his freshman and sophomore years. Previously, the Dane had scored eight points against USC and 11 in the game before that against WSU, but Christofferson's game-winning effort against the Bruins was something else.

Oh, did we say game-winning? Our mistake. Since the Dane turned his game on, in fact, the UO men's basketball program has been sliding further and further into the lower echelon of the Pac-10 conference. Could it actually be the fault of Chris Christofferson? Could the now-good Dane be the reason the Ducks themselves are now-not-good, to use a specific basketball term?

Probably not.

However, with the exception of Oregon's anomalous trouncing of the Pac-10 powerhouse Arizona Wildcats, the men's team is pretty much screwed. So are the women's team, but who cares, really?

Described unfairly as the "biggest toddler ever" by the Oregon Daily Emerald on Jan. 31, Christofferson's intellectual capability are months and possibly even years beyond that of toddler stage. The Ducks now let the Dane speak to the press, and following he UCLA game, Christofferson told the Emerald: "We want to show the rest of the conference we're a force to be reckoned with down low," a display of verbosity that Lakers center Shaquille O'Neal couldn't wrap his tongue around. The Dane's ability to use polysyllabic words and construct moderately complex, grammatically passable sentences put him at least the third grade level - coincidentally, the same level at which newspaper articles are written.

At long last, this hulking oaf has come into his own.

OC Emerald Watch

There's nothing like context. We've all seen the wonderful headlines in the Ol' Dirty Emerald. The better proportion are far from noteworthy, but some... oh yes, some deserve reviewing.

Student's death incites fear and sadness

Monday, February 12, 2001
There are at least 10,000 active verbs in the English language. 9,999 of these would have been a better choice for a headline regarding the death of a student. The above gives me the image of hordes of paranoid, depressed students trying to break down the doors of the Student Health Center, clambering over one another to gain access to the expensive vaccine within. While slightly amusing, this image puts totally the wrong spin on things.

UO soccer nets recruiting class

Friday, February 16, 2001
What does this headline mean? Can somebody, please, tell me just what the hell this headline means? Exactly how does one "net"? What is a "recruiting class"? I've had friends say more coherent things while tripping on acid. For the love of everything holy, try to write headlines that can be deciphered.

'Taste of Asia' comes to county fairgrounds

Friday, February 16, 2001
All right, now this is a decent headline. It may be boring, it may be simple, but dammit, this headline actually works. Hooray, somebody up at the Ol' Dirty knows enough to put together a coherent headline with an active verb that isn't "incites." Congratulations to whomever wins this: you win.

Cocaine use is not out of style

Friday, February 16, 2001
This headline gets five stars, if for not other reason than it makes me feel good about myself. I thought I was the only one left doing lines of blow in the restrooms of posh upper-class restaurants. Thanks to this headline, I know I am not alone. Thank you, ODE, you've made my day that much brighter. (EP: Do you by any chance have Robert Downey Jr.'s digits? I hear that guy really knows the scene.)

Follow the OC

Of course, it always takes some time before everyone else catches up with what the Oregon Commentator is doing - it's only natural.

For example, the Oregon Commentator warned students about the expanding powers of the Department of Public Safety, including the possibility of security officers becoming armed. For students on campus, this was cause for alarm, and following the publication of Issue IV/V, "Behind Closed Doors," a number of student leaders made their views on the issue of DPS to Director Tom Fitzpatrick and UO President Dave Frohnmayer.

Nevertheless, Frohnmayer approved Fitzpatrick's request to allow a number of DPS employees the privilege of some police powers - including the ability to stop, search and cite people on campus.

Not a few weeks later, a bill was introduced to the Oregon legislature asking the House and Senate to approve a law for... what? For arming Oregon public university public safety officers the right to carry firearms. Of course, the same right would not be afforded to university students, but then, hey: authoritarianism is all part of the fun. We hate to say it, but we told you so.

Correction In the last issue, it appeared that in our February 15, 2001 edition, the OC mistakenly referred to the "ADFC" as the "APFC." This is patently false. ADFC refers to the Athletic Department Finance Committee, whereas APFC stands for Alaskan Pacific Forestry Commission, a large company hell-bent on blowing the tundras to smithereens. Mr. Ouellette, the author, is the second-largest stockholder following Rupert Murdoch. The OC apologizes for withholding this conflict of interest from our trusting readership.

OC Shout-Outs

• Mr. Castle: Have ASUO Legal Services called you back yet? Why not?
• LGBTA kids: Next time leave the Honesty posters alone. There's space on the bulletin board for everyone.
• No, Biff. You leave her alone!